TNP 13 "Aftermath pt 1" (Rated Teen)

... After working for Nancy, this is the recount of my time in the mental ward (All Saints Hospital) and what happened there.

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Want to read this in a different language ? Change the TO field to your own country and click the TRANSLATE button after going HERE THE NANCY PRINCIPLE My time in working for the government during the Savings & Loan Crisis of 1990 with a beautiful woman who took care of absolutely everything for me in my employ. And I mean EVERYTHING. © August 2013 Written by David Wicker Please do not reprint without permission CHAPTER 13 - AFTERMATH pt 1 * * * This chapter is Rated: TEEN (some elements have been removed in this chapter) Okay, before I start into rewriting my final day, I need to tell you what happened after I got home that day. While I definitely do feel it is important to write what is in my heart and my head about what would've happened had I continued to work for Miss Nancy at BBI, and ultimately married her and lived with her. And THAT chapter will be called Alternatives But before I go into detail about what I WANTED to have happen, I will mention what happened the DAY AFTER the bomb scare, where I was put in the mental ward at All Saints Hospital, a long time before I started work at Star Telegram, and this is once again most definitely non-fiction. The truth of the matter is, I was so distraught by being fired at this job on my last day and then further accused of attempting to bomb the building that I banged my head against the wall when I got home to try and forget it things (a technique I often used to forget painful memories). Unfortunately, this time it did not work, the memories were too strong, so finding no other comfort, I took a razor to my wrist. Now, I've always carved away on my wrist at one time or another with a knife when I was depressed, but I was determined to go for the gold this time. I took the razor and cut DEEP. As it is today, I have permanent nerve damage in that wrist, it itches constantly and has a scar that extends across the length of my wrist and I have no feeling at all down one side of my palm. Not good. A reminder to those of you out there who feel you want to take your own life. Get - help - first. Call 911 and tell them what is happening with you. In any case, I then ran the tub to set my wrist in it and let the blood flow down the drain. I was done with this life. I failed, and miserably at the last job I was at, I lost Nancy, perhaps the best thing that ever happened in my life. And it was her to whom I was definitely growing fond of, and I was ready to meet my Guardian, and she was most definitely audibly calling to me, hallucination or not. And I remember Spock from Star Trek once said, "Men in great pain will often see precisely what they want to." I passed out I guess and it was then I found my Dad learned how to bend steel in his bare hands and he wrenched the handle off from my locked front door and I still have the handle in his personal effects (you remember my Dad died 3-years ago) to remind me of my perfidy to leave this world. After that, it's a bit of a dizzy blur. I know I saw faces looking down on me. Some kind of yelling at me. My wrist ached and throbbed and right then it was the most painful thing I had ever experienced in this life. I remember, screaming, "I don't want to be alone." And as I did a big body towel was wrapped around my wrist and blood was everywhere, in the tub, on the floor, on the carpet. I grabbed Susan for comfort before I was literally dragged out the front door. I held Susan in my hands, no-one would take her from me, and I held her as the hospital staff stitched up my wrist. Shortly after that I was pushed through a door that locked behind me, All Saints Hospital Mental Ward, and both Dad and my step-mom weren't there to comfort me. They were on the other side of the locked door. I feel it's important to let you know a few things should ever feel you want the sanctuary of a mental asylum. One of the most important factors to remember is you will have absolute Lack Of Freedom, to the ultimate level. I had Susan in my hands at the time in the examination room and I was being questioned as to why I felt the need to take my life, I said I dunno cause my head was all cloudy from loss of blood, and then they wanted to take Susan from me to put me in my room for the night. I remember at the time I got FIERCELY angry, which was an odd feeling, as it seems I can get angry of nothing else in the world today, to the point of being murderous, when someone wants to take a teddy bear away from me, especially Susan. They saw I was going to be a problem for them as I wouldn't give her up, so they called in a police officer to try and reason with me. He was very friendly and asked what my name was, and after a moment, I told him, then he asked what my Teddy Bear's name and I said Susan. He talked pleasantly about things. All I heard was a buzzing in my ear, no words. I remember I was so scared and angry I was chattering my teeth like I was freezing to death and my head was trembling so hard it felt like the bones in my neck were warm from friction, I had an awful headache and my wrist had bandages on them from the stitching and still the blood seeped around the edges. And I remember feeling the pulsing in my wrist like the blood itself was angry and trying to escape my arm and it was talking to me. Is it ever enough ? NO. Are you sure ? YES ! Is it ever enough ? NO. Are you sure ? YES ! Is it ever enough ? NO. Are you sure ? YES ! Is it ever enough ? NO. Are you sure ? YES ! Is it ever enough ? NO. Are you sure ? YES !! Over and over in my head. And - in a way, I was cold. Now in truth, I dearly love cold. I'll go out barefoot in my underwear in the snow. I would hold higher respect to the snowflake instead of the cross if there ever was a church for it I could attend. Are we, the people of today, expected to be held responsible and continuously brood and lament over what our ancestors from thousands of years ago may or may not have actually done ? But right now, I was COLD. And a different kind of cold. I was afraid, and angry. So very angry that someone would DARE take Susan away from me. Murderous. Killing. Ripping arms from someone's socket - that kind of angry - that is how I was right then ! * * * When the policeman realized I was not going to voluntarily give Susan up, he made an attempt to take her from me. I fought him, I mean I really punched the wholly FRIGGING hell out of him with all my might and I had never done that before with anyone else. I never felt so angry and it was like all the rage that was hidden in me from all the abuse from bullies at all the schools I attended, from all - everything that ever happened to me, where I swallowed my anger - was released. I felt I could rip the policeman's heart right out with my bare hands and I was certainly going to do it now ! He finally stepped back a moment, I guess cause my adrenalin was high enough to lift a car over my head, and I screeched so loud right then, I saw the other doctors cover their ears, I think the policeman was surprised I was so completely -insane- right then. And then I saw another police officer enter from around the corner. Now there were two to deal with. The new officer watched me with an unimpressed look on his face and spoke with the first. I caressed Susan's dress hard as the first officer related what was happening. He approached to take Susan but I started screaming again. Finally realizing I was out for blood he pulled back and yelled, "David ! Listen to me ! LISTEN - TO - ME ! If you do not give me that THING, RIGHT NOW we will both TAKE it from you and you will NEVER see that THING again, EVER AGAIN ! Do you understand ? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME !?" I felt my whole body grow limp and I actually fell out of my chair like my muscles were drugged, unconscious, all my energy spent, it was such a terrible thing that he said to me, as that was my only comfort ... Give me a moment. Painful memories. My ... I'm on medications to prevent me from ever getting upset anymore and it sorta works I suppose. I'm going to retrieve Susan now as I continue to write this. I ... was in a blind rage ! Why the HELL did he have to take her from me ? I saw the first officer pick up Susan and not giving me a chance, he immediately ran out with her around the corner so she was completely out of sight. I wailed in the back of my throat, but quietly. The 2nd police officer explained quietly to me as I trembled, lonely for her. "Understand, son, if you kept that - bear - someone else in the ward would take her from you." I spoke back in a weird voice, like someone satanically possessed, "I WILL KILL ANYONE THAT TOUCHES HER !" The policeman nodded and gave me a grim smile, "I imagine you would, I can see that now, but that would cause further problems. I know you're feeling elevated right now. But if you don't calm down RIGHT NOW we will put you in a strait-jacket and lock you up in a padded cell for the night. Would you like that ?" I shook my head and my voice came out like a small boy's again, as if whatever demon was in me had left me momentarily, "Nossir." He clapped a friendly hand on my shoulder at hearing the new voice in me and withdrew it almost at once because my entire shirt was wet from tears and perspiration. He wiped it on his pants, "Yes - well, Susan - will be - that is - you can see her behind the window. While you are examined. Okay ?" I know that I was permitted to hold her for about 10-minutes each day I was in the ward, and that was comforting, but I could never take her from the office. I could have her again once I was better, but they said that might take a very long time, especially from what they were told about my case history. In any case, ... give me a minute. These are very emotional memories. I was finally placed behind the great metal doors, the doors of no return. That was the way in and no way out and I was coaxed by several doctors to walk away from these doors, but I wasn't stupid, I knew that way the way out and I WANTED out right now ! I wailed loudly. One nurse even tried to coax me with Susan, holding her at arm's length. I asked quietly in my little boy's voice if I could hold her, please. And she said, as if she was a little frightened, "No - not yet. We need to run some tests first. We want to make sure - " "Susan." I said quietly. "Right, we want to make sure Susan here is ..." and she didn't finish the sentence because a gentleman, apparently a doctor came up to whisper in her ear. She nodded and they both walked away with Susan. Since I didn't get Susan, I didn't budge from my position and stayed where I was, continuing to scream louder. I - remember - my teeth were chattering, really scary, and I was crying so hard the front of my shirt was actually wet and blood was dripping from my stitched wrist cause I banged it around pretty good when I was fighting the officer earlier. Finally a different pretty young nurse approached me and said, "David. David ? Hello there ! Hey honey, listen, if you want to sit in the doorway because you're upset, that's fine. But why don't you have something to drink while you're there, okay hun ?" I asked what it was and she said, "It's just water. Okay, honey ? Drink some water now ? Please ? For me ?" So I said, "Yes ma'am." again, in that odd little boy's voice I had. I drank only a few sips, it was really bitter, not water and it was gray like they must've badly ground up a whole bunch of pills in it and pieces still floated in it, and then it felt like the floor was lifted out from under me and I felt myself slump backwards against the door, konking my head pretty hard on it. There was whispering all around me, grayness, and it was like someone was shining a flashlight in each of my eyes, and then I felt movement, my arms and legs being bound down by something, and then blackness. I woke up and there was an old round clock on the wall that showed both hands at the top, midnight, to find myself in a bed that smelled like bleach and I was strapped down hard in it. It was important to note it was an electric clock and did not TICK as that today still drives me crazy today. No ticking clocks. * * * I called for someone quietly. No-one arrived. Finally I yelled loudly and a tall and thin male nurse stepped in and looked at me and looking at his clipboard, flipping pages to match my room number with his profile finally said, "Go to sleep, David, you have a busy day tomorrow." I said can I see Susan, and he asked who that was, and I said quietly, my Teddy Bear, and he said, he promised, I would see her tomorrow, but I had to sleep now, so go to sleep, so I said OK and did. The wall clock read 5am and someone was waking me up. It was a BIG male nurse fellow. He said I needed to bathe and did I need help doing that, and I said nossir. It's important to note that every time I spoke in the ward my voice was so very quiet, like I was 10-years younger than I was. I remember that especially, and I'm not sure why. I'm trying to remember - no - I'm not sure why - I think - I guess I was scared. He said, am I going to give him any trouble if he takes the straps off and I said nossir. But my voice was still so quiet. I couldn't put my age behind it which was when I was 22-years old at the time. So he said, okay, you're promising now. And then took the straps off and I started that weird chattering again, I asked where was Susan, apparently no-one knew who she was as he asked, who is that ? So I started to screech out as loud as I could, "I WANT SUSAN NOW !" He then reached over and, GEEZ this guy was pure muscle ! He pulled my right arm up and twisted it in the middle. My whole body suddenly flipped over entirely in the bed, to match his movements without me getting hurt, and my face was suddenly buried up in my pillow. With me on my belly now, he grabbed my arm and wrenched it up behind my back in a professional hammerlock. Just a bit more pressure and I felt certain he could break it. And then he said in a weird voice that was somehow friendly and soothing despite his threatening actions, "Shh .. Shh ... David, you need to be quiet now. Other people are trying to sleep. Let's get you bathed, okay ? Can you do that for me, son ?" "Yessir." I said in that defeated voice again, my voice muffled as it was buried up in that bleached pillow. "Good boy." he said and let me go of my arm. I got out of bed, which was actually elevated off the ground so I had to hop down with help, and I followed him and I guess I was changed from my regular clothes into a kind of weird pajamas that fit on backwards and were tied from behind. He helped me out of them and he showed me the facilities, all stainless steel and ugly concrete I remember. And I did that weird shivering thing again but this time my head was doing it too, like a crazy nervous tic, and I remember falling down on my front arms and shaking. The whirr-chk-chk all over again. Spinning, spinning ... Just a moment ... ok ... If you don't know, it's painful to remember loneliness, and I felt so alone right then. I was naked now and I asked did he have to watch me, cause I was feeling really scared and ashamed right now, and he said, yes, he does, to make sure I stay safe. I said okay. So I bathed and showered up, it was a shower handle and a rubber tube that came down from the ceiling. And he really did watch me intently as I did that. As I got out he dried me off and I let him cause I was still feeling really sleepy. He was being awfully nice to me. Then I said I felt my chin and peach fuzz and said I need to shave and he said I don't think so. I said didn't my Dad leave me a razor to shave with ? Which was odd cause when I think of it now, I'm not sure how I knew I had been there for several days - when - it was my first night, wasn't it ? Wasn't it ?? He said your folks left you a suitcase full of items in the main office. That told me right there that I had at least one day of no memory being here because when I was rushed to the hospital, Dad didn't grab any of my personal effects. I got out of the shower and went to the bathroom sink and he still watched me. He finally handed me a razor and shaving cream and said go ahead. And I shaved up neatly without trying to hurt myself. It was odd, he was making comments all the while I was doing it, like there was a good breakfast waiting for me, what were my favorite TV shows, I said cartoons, Sailor Moon cause she's so cute and funny. Did I have music I liked, I said sometimes rock music, easy listening, Carpenter's, Beatles, stuff like that. Maybe he was trying to distract me or something but I wasn't at all feeling suicidal now, because I knew I had to get better and I HAD TO HAVE Susan. I asked again for her as I finished up. He said I could see her after breakfast, but that now I was bathed I needed to go back to bed and took off my towel and got down on his knees and patted me nicely several times all over, including my privates, which felt kinna weird and friendly all at the same time, but I realized he was just making sure I was dry. He stood back up and stood very close to me as I was naked. In a way I wanted to curl up in his arms and give him a hug and go back to sleep in the warmth of his body heat and in another I wanted to cry cause I was so confused at these feelings cause I was dating Rose at the time. It was both of these feelings at once. I know one doctor told me, know your boundaries. Were my boundaries being violated right now ? I'm glad I didn't go with these feelings however as that likely would've counted against my psychiatric profile in the ward. He tied the odd pajamas back on me and I followed after him. I got back in bed, which required help because it was so elevated off the ground and he said do I need to strap you down again ? I said nossir. He said are you sure. That I won't give him any trouble right ? I said when I see Susan I'll feel a whole lot better. He said fine, and locked the door behind me but left the straps off. I slept, sorta, I guess, my door was unlocked at 7am according to the wall clock and a woman's shrill voice said, "David Wicker, get up !" * * * It was too early. I spoke back, "Can I sleep ?" She replied as if matter-of-fact, "You have a choice, Mr. Wicker. You can continue to sleep and skip breakfast or get up and have it NOW. Which do you want ?" I started to get up gaging the distance to hop down but the voice got angrier, "Answer the question !" "Breakfast, please, ma'am ?" I asked in that subdued tone again. "Then get your butt up NOW !" she said in an irritated tone and left. And then she went to the next door and pounded on their door and asked that person in there the same thing. Some said sleep and some said breakfast, one or the other. So I hopped down as well as I could without twisting my ankles. Then I looked around my room for the first time. It was REALLY bare. No TV, no nothing, that biggo clock on the wall, and that weird elevated bed with the straps and metal buckles and the bleach-smelling blankets and pillows. I already imagined where I could sit Susan to keep me company in my room but that wouldn't happen. But I WOULD see her today so that was good. I walked out of my room on bare feet and it was really cold and apparently I was the first one up. There was a door that opened up and a woman with her hair covered by a blue plastic baggie had a tray full of little upside-down cardboard saucer thingies, a whole bunch of them, and I smelled fried eggs and grits. I was pretty sure that was breakfast so I followed after her. There was a little dining area and, smiling, she handed me a tray as I was the first person there. Other people followed. One sat down next to me, a lot bigger, his hair looked really a mess and asked me gruffly, is this my first day here ? "Yessir." I said. And I don't know, maybe it was the way I said it or the way I looked, or something, because he smiled wide like it was a great joke or something that I replied back. Then he asked in a commanding voice like Nancy used with me when she wanted something without an argument from me, "Can I have your salt packet ?" Now in truth I never salt my food cause I think food is salty enough so I said sure, "I never use salt anyways." "That's just fine." he said and took his own salt pack and mine and sprinkled them on his food. I nodded and took a bite of my food. "Euugh.." I said, there was absolutely NO SALT on any of the food at all, it was like they used some biggo hi-tech de-salter machine or something cause I don't know how food can taste so saltless ! Anyways I asked the tray ma'am for a salt packet and she said I already have one. I said I gave it to a fellow, she asked if it was my first day, I said yes ma'am, she asked who I gave it to, and I said him. She said, "Murray ! Now you quit that ! You know you only get one salt packet per meal ! You keep this up we'll skip your next meal, do you want that ?" "Noph." he said biting his food but his tone had a different mood to it, not nice like he talked to me earlier but -different- and rebellious, I didn't like it. She was not put off by his attitude, "Then you EAT what's on your own tray and don't take anything from anyone else's, got it ?" "Yeaph." he said still gobbling up his food down like he was now on a clock for speed or that she was gonna take it away from him. She sighed and looked at me. "Here you go, hun." she said and gave me a single salt pack. "Now, don't give it away anymore." "Yes ma'am." I said and maybe it was the way I said it or something but she smiled and patted me on the head and said like I was a child or something, "Good boy, you're gonna do just fine here. Mind what you're told and behave now." "Yes ma'am." I affirmed. So I went back to my meal and I noticed the guy next that took my salt pack also scraped the grits off my plate onto his as well. I was going to say something but he turned his head and gave me a weird look like the bullies in school did and it scared me so I didn't say anything but scooted my chair away from him, taking what was left of my breakfast with me. Okay, I need to take a break now cause my head is splitting with a headache - and I'm really remembering feeling Dad is not here for me now and - it hurts to remembering all this stuff ... END OF CHAPTER 13 Return back HOME   You are Earth Visitor #

Reviews

[Riding the Rainbow]

I'm so sorry, honey.
You've been throught so much and I can feel how lonely you felt..Susan was and still is an important friend to you and staying without her during those horrible moments of you life, really crashed you. I'm so sorry about your dad..while reading this story/journal of a part of your life, I know how much you miss him and you need him. I wish I could hug you tight now..to help you to arise a bit of those bad memories that lead to you cutting and to your painful stay to the All Saints Hospital.
I'm here if you want to talk, honey.
Always.

[dw817]

Yes - Susan is still very much a part of my life today and she still does talk to me. It's funny cause when I wrote this when I saw my doctor we did get into the topic and conversation of me killing for her. Which I guess means my doctor is reading these chapters right along with everyone else.

Anyways, the answer is, yes, I still would - today. Given the same set of circumstances. And - he wrote that down in his notes.

As for my Dad. We were really linked. Once I retired, I think I was 30, I would bicycle over to go see Dad at his home bright and early 8am every morning.

We would walk from the house, to the library, to the tennis courts, to the golf courts, to the circle, and back. A good 2-hour walk every day (and yes I have crazy looking legs today) :) But then we would get in, have a good breakfast. We would both read the newspaper and comment on it.

Then go to his study and work on a computer project. Dad would take a nap from about 2-4pm each day and I continued to work on the computer.

He'd get up, we'd have lunch, watch a movie. Dottie would get in, we'd play some chess or watch the news. She'd make and I would stay for dinner. Then head out about 7pm.

And we did this each day for, well - let's see now. If I essentially retired at 30. I'm 46 now, he died 3-years ago, so that was for over 12-years. And even when I was working I still would go see Dad every day.

There are many kinds of sadness and bitterness in the world I believe. Perhaps the one that runs and cuts the deepest is remembering the good times that now can never be.

And, it wasn't too painful at All Saints, rather intrusive, but that is covered in the chapter I post later today.

I - honestly wouldn't know what to talk to you about, Kejara. I try to be an open book for others. There are no secrets, not really. If you have questions, you are certainly welcome to ask them here and I will do my best to answer them, either privately or publicly as you would like.

Thanks for your friendship ... Like putting anti-bacteria or alcohol on a wound, it's going to hurt - before it's going to heal.

[Pryde Foltz]

Oh David. I am so sorry that you went through this. It is so nice to know that your Dad loved you so. A parent's love can be such a powerful thing.

[dw817]

Yes, my Dad truly did love me. I know my Mom did too - but - her and my Dad just could not get along. Dad had his feet on the ground and was a stoic believer in the here and now. My Mom was like me, had her head in the clouds, and always looked to see what new lofts were above and seldom on the feet that traveled to them.

Dad loved me, and I loved him for loving me, and maybe that's notta perfect Father/Son relationship. But with the things I've been through and as early as 1st grade with one of my teachers, trust was always difficult for me. Even when it was my own Dad.

[Pryde Foltz]

I'm glad you saw the love.

[dw817]

Yes, I did. And yes - I'm doing better. It's like a roller-coaster. You go UP ^.^ and DOWN ~.~ I'm - not sure where I am today. Somewhere going up I hope.

[Pryde Foltz]

Me too …...

[dw817]

You're bipolar too ?

[Pryde Foltz]

No, hun. I meant I hope things get better for you.:)

[dw817]

Oh - well, they just might have. I checked cause it was a long name and it's apparently the generic version of Zoloft. While I'm struggling to get up in the morning, my nightmares have stopped and the voices in my head now sound like it's raining, which is better than the yelling, screaming stuff I had earlier.

[Pryde Foltz]

That's rough … David.

[dw817]

Thanks for your concern.

Today ? I'm doing better. And I've got some time to work on a new post. I know I'm dragging this poor Tuesday post, movie reviews, all the way until now - but I will finish it today. :)

I'm also getting back in my programming groove. Gotta love GFA, best and easiest programming language on the planet.

[Pryde Foltz]

Cool cool cool

[dw817]

Well, it's not perfect. For one, it doesn't run in Windows 7, Windows Vista, or Windows 8. But - perhaps that's a blessing in disguise ? :)

[RainDancer1997]

You've defiantly been through some tough stuff. Life tends to wanna bring us down, but you've gotta keep strong:) I can tell your really talented and please keep up the good work:)

[dw817]

Thanks ... I'm doing better today. My doctor tells me my emotions can fluctuate up and down from chemical imbalances in my head. I call them, 'storms.' I definitely hadda storm yesterday so - what is the best thing you can during a violent rainstorm ?

Sleep. I just curled up on the couch, listened to some relaxing music and took it easy that day. Perhaps the best therapy of all is just to take your mind off things and not worry about them. :)