CHAPTER 4 - THE BATHROOM ESCORT
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Then
Nancy bit her lip for a moment as if deciding something. Suddenly she
tapped me friendly on my chest. I looked down and she playfully bopped
me on my nose reaching up, making a 'boop' sound. She smiled and I smiled with her.
I was happy. I really liked her. She was so nice to me, and she played
with me. I had a business friend and I never had one before and it was
my boss and she would care for me in this big scary work environment and
it was great !
She was business and crisp with me again, "Okay, David - " (that long pause again)
"Your first duty is to finish typing here. Don't distribute what you've
typed to the girls out here as you may have been asked to earlier. We'll
have someone else to do that to lighten your workload on your first
day. Instead, I want you to bring what you've typed straight to me so I
can look it over first."
She added, "So that means I want to see you in my office when you
finish, I'm the last room at the end of the hall. You will see Nancy
written on the door. Knock before coming in."
Well, I went back to my workspace and there were no snide remarks from
others then. In fact, I had someone from a different cubicle come over
and said, whatta nice job I was doing and isn't it great that I had
Nancy for my manager.
I smiled proudly and said it sure is. She turned her head sideways and grinned at me, blinking her eyes rapidly, a bit curiously I thought, to myself, and then she left.
Quicker than I expected, especially now being elated that I was gonna be
accepted here, I finished up the 10 pages and got them collated
together. Then I took the bundle and went to see Nancy at the end of the
hall.
I looked at the other offices as I went and the women in there all
smiled and pointed that it wasn't this office but that she was the one
at the far end of the hall. Everybody was so helpful !
When I got there, there was a closed door and a slot to slide in a
plastic name plate, but it was empty. Instead in it's place was a piece
of paper from a printer that said in all caps and big bold letters,
"NANCY."
I knocked quietly twice. She replied, "Come in, David." and i knew there
was no way she could see who it was so I felt better than BBI had
picked out a manager just for me and she was expecting me, besides.
I walked in and she held out her hand to receive my work. She took it
and then said, "Have a seat David. I need to talk to you for a minute."
I said, "Yes ma'am." remembering to be courteous and polite to her and
she smiled back cheerfully to me, nodding, as a reward for remembering
that. Then she went over the sheaf of data I typed, looking it over
carefully, comparing it from page to page with another report she had on
the desk.
I sat for several minutes waiting for her.
She finally spoke without looking at me, "Excellent work. All very
accurate, nice job." then she looked up at me, "David. Come up here for a
moment."
So I got up to see her. She then turned around 3 pages stapled together
of something sitting on her desk earlier. All kinds of legal jargon I
didn't understand, along with a pen and I noticed a signature line.
She added, "Since it's apparent you've never worked in a business like this before, I would like to give you - "
And she paused for a moment, thinking of the right word, "special -
instruction for your unique abilities. Including improving your outlook
on life, posture, hygiene, and learning our 'company policy' to the
letter. Will you let me do this for you ?"
She continued without waiting for an answer, "If you agree to this, we
can keep you on. I just need you to sign these 3 pages, and I'll be
happy to explain them to you."
Then her voice changed to one of disappointment, "Failing that, we will
have to let you go, today, and I'm sorry, but my hands are tied here and
it's not my decision to make on this."
I was immediately crestfallen and stared down in my lap feeling the
tears start to well up again. I knew this job was too good to be true ! I
saw that I was going to be fired from this job like all others except
that I couldn't even finish out the day with it !
She was quick to add, "David - " and that long pause again. I looked up
at her. "No-one is firing you. All you have to do is read and sign these
- " and she tossed her head playfully, "these silly old forms - and
we'll see if we can get you to stay with us permanently under my
tutelage. Would you like that, hun ?"
I nodded my head. She then held out her arm for me to read and sign the forms.
I looked at them. They were certainly full of legal jargon with words
riddled including "hygiene," "posture," "attire," and "company policy."
I picked up the pen and hesitated. She got up from her chair to stand
behind my shoulder and touched a comforting hand on my back leaning over and said,
"David, I'll be more than happy to explain to you what each of these
pages mean, if you like before you sign them."
I shook my head and just scrolled my eyes down to sign the first one.
Then I turned the page and more legalese and gibberish of policy that
didn't make any sense. I signed the 2nd page. She then patted me on my
back for getting this far.
The last one I remembered clearly, the letterhead was fancy and it read:
The Nancy Principle - A Proposal For Savant Employees
I
knew these words would stick with me. And even after I beat them out of
my head years later, literally against the wall in my apartment, they
did return back to haunt me (as of this writing).
I finally had a question for her. "What does 'savant' mean, Miss Nancy
?" I implored. I sorta knew the word myself but I wanted to hear her
definition on it.
She was taken aback for a moment and didn't have an immediate reply. She
put a hand back on my shoulder as if that would help me understand her
hesitation, which I didn't. Finally she tapped her sharp fingernails
there and said carefully, "David, it's a complex word. It means someone
that is talented in unique and special areas but maybe lacking in
others."
I looked to her a little crossly and she pulled back putting her hands
in front of her defensively, "I'm not saying you are, David, but this is
what I've been issued with - in order for you to stay. I must admit,
you are a good, no great - data-entry person and at the same token, but
maybe just maybe - " and she hesitated, "you have trouble making -
friends ?"
I looked down at the floor and nodded. She had me pegged. She returned
the supportive hand on my shoulder again and rubbed it, happy she was in
charge of the conversation again. "Well, that's fine, sweetie, some of
us are better in areas than others. My job is to teach you how to fit
in. That is what you want isn't it ? To fit in with others ?"
I nodded and spoke as I did, "Yes ma'am."
"Well good, and you've got the right attitude about this." she smiled back and then stepped away, "Then there's no problem. Just sign the last form and we'll go on to the next part of your instruction."
I did so and she took the 3 pages from in front of me and returned back
to sit in her own chair to look it over carefully as I stood numbly by.
It was odd, it was as if she expected me to make a mistake or something,
but I didn't. I even entered in the correct date where it was needed
beside my signature.
She got crisp again, "Everything seems to be in order here. Now you need to pay attention and this is important."
She waited until I was looking right into her eyes, not her mouth, I noticed.
Then she rose from her chair and spoke with more authority than she ever
had since I met her and it kinna scared me, "You are to do everything I
tell you to do - David. You will not question it, you will not talk
back to me, or even tell others about what you are doing here,
especially outside this workplace."
"That includes your friends or your family as long as you are working
here. If I give you an order, I expect you to obey it without question.
Understand ?'
I nodded. She picked up a pen with both hands to lay horizontally in her
fingers from both hands to squeeze the sides of it and then stepped
around her chair to face me.
She then tapped my chest with the pen, on the cap side for the next few
points she clarified with me, "I will tell you when you can go to lunch -tap-, when you can go on break -tap-, and when you can clock out -tap-. And you will also come to me whenever you need to go to the bathroom as well."
I thought the last one was kind of funny so I couldn't hold quiet any
longer, "Miss Nancy, why do I need to see you to go to the restroom ?"
She was ready for me however, "David - if you have a question about our
company policy in the future, in this case, going to the restroom, you need to write it up as a question." And then she paused for a minute. "Ah, but you need to use this."
And then she set the pen down on the desk and walked back to her seat to
sit down and open up two drawers to hand me items from them.
The first was a set of bright pink index cards, about 20 of them
rubber-banded with a hair tie, and the other held several bright
colorful pom pom pens. She looked at me for a moment, as if making a
serious decision and finally pulled out one that I found later wrote in
sparkly purple ink. It really did, the ink sparkled. I found out later you can buy these in a craft store.
She then took a label from her main top drawer and with tiny handwriting
wrote on it "David" and stuck it around the pen before handing it to
me.
(I'm going to say now, anytime Nancy says 'David,' always add a REALLY long pause for clarity, ok, back we go).
"David - now listen to me, this is important, you are to use ONLY these
cards to write your questions on and to write ONLY with this pen. You DO
NOT use any other cards or pen. If you do, you'll be in serious
trouble, understand ?"
She then sat back behind her desk, "If you have questions about company
policy here, you write them on there and the - " she paused in thought.
"We'll hold a meeting today as to where you can put your cards, for the
moment, you can slide them under my door."
She added, "If you are running low on cards, come see me and I will give you more. I don't want you running out. Understand ?"
"About the bathroom please ma'am ?" I offered again.
She gave me a most eloquent answer to that. "David, you are now working
for the government and we do things a little different here. It is
vitally important -" and she folded her hands in a steeple.
She was very serious looking, "Important that you come to me if you need
to use our facilities, even just to, if you'll pardon the expression,
wee wee, because I need to let others know this."
And she popped her fingers apart to suddenly hold up her telephone, "I
let them know that you will be gone during that time and I need to shift
the workload for you so there is no incident, in case of an emergency
situation." She then set the phone receiver down noisily and took a dark
expression.
Her eyes pierced mine, "We want a clean floor too, David. No sloppiness.
No degree of uncleanliness will be tolerated to even the smallest
micron, and that includes in the bathroom. I will be looking for this,
every day !"
She then twirled a Rolodex to the right of her desk with serious intent
as if she was looking for someone in it, "I will choose someone from
this floor to accompany you each time, they will NOT follow you in the
restroom as you are the only - man here and we will most certainly
respect your privacy."
"Now pay attention." I hated to admit but I really was looking at her
breasts right now which were almost busting out of her low cut blouse,
and I think she knew that.
She raised her voice at me and spoke like a teacher to an unruly child,
"Up here ! Remember me ? Peek-A-Boo ! We can play that game later,
David."
I swallowed hard. Were we really going to play this game later ? She got
serious, "Now listen to me, this is important. When you have finished
your business in the bathroom, you are to do these things and in this
particular order.
"You are to tuck in your shirt, zip up your zipper, to the TIPPY TOP do I make myself clear ? The TIPPY TOP, David."
I nodded. She nodded back, "Good. And then wash both your hands very
thoroughly, front and back, between the fingers as well, with plenty of
soap and water. Do not forget !
"Your zipper must be up at all times, and your shirt tucked in at all
times, and your hands thoroughly washed at all times, on both sides and
between the fingers, outside the restroom."
"If you are have any difficulties with this, you are to ask your escort
for assistance in one of these areas and they will be more than happy to
help you. If you do a good job, you will then be directed back to your
desk for further instructions."
"If not, you'll be sent BACK to the bathroom until you do it the right
way. I will be informed of your progress when you are back by the person
who accompanied you. It will be someone different each time."
She paused for a moment leaning back in her chair and squeaked it slightly
and changed her voice from seriousness to one of lecturing, "And they
may ask you questions outside your bathroom door about company policy
while you are in there doing your business."
"You are not to take offense to this, and they are not to ask you what
you are doing in there as that is your own and personal affair."
She leaned forward suddenly, "But you ARE to answer their questions
about company policy to the best of your ability. If you don't know the
answer to their question, you are to take your best educated guess.
There are no wrong answers here, but you are being tested, and this will
occur each and every time you need to use our facilities."
Then she leaned forward in her chair even more until her elbows were
almost touching the desk and she pointed her pen right at me with
serious intent.
"Now, if she can't hear your voice in a reply with whatever you are
doing, we will most assuredly send one of our other girls in after you in an
emergency rescue because we will think you had an accident and fell in
and she WILL know CPR to revive you from drowning in there, so you speak LOUDLY and CLEARLY whenever you are in the restroom if you don't want this to happen. Understand ?"
As laughable as this situation sounded, I did realize that I was
definitely hired for an emergency situation so perhaps this was a valid
thing she was telling me ? Believe it or not, I never smiled to any of
this and just nodded to it.
I took it all so level because she spoke with such a serious tone and my
Dad did warn me that a government job will be unlike any job I ever
had. Boy he wasn't kidding !
Then she looked tired for a moment and put both hands behind her head to
lean back in the chair, "David, It really is all just business
business, you wouldn't understand." and she flipped her head to one
side, she had really pretty hair I remember with silver hair clips, and
she said it just like that and smiled at me, "Understand sweetie ?"
I said, "Okay." really a bit more perplexed by what she said and needed some time to mull over what she all had told me.
Then her face entered a terrible scowl and said in a louder cross voice, What did you say, mister ?"
Oh ! I had forgotten ! So I said, "I'm sorry, I mean, yes ma'am."
She smiled again lowering her head, looking at my face so she give me a serious look, "That's better, David."
Then she leaned forward and had a curious smile on her face and her
voice changed pitch and it was like she was addressing someone much
younger than me, "So do you need to go to the little boy's room right
now ?"
"Yes ma'am." I said, because, in truth, I really did. I don't know if it
was stress or what but I was definitely feeling like I needed to.
"That's fine." she said and rolled her fingers through the Rolodex. I
thought at first maybe it was a Rolodex of something else but she seemed
seriously determined to find what she was looking for in it. Finally
she picked up her telephone and hit the far right clear acrylic button
on it and it lit up brightly.
"Janet, please." she said into the intercom.
Then she picked up the phone receiver and spoke into it, "Janet, I've
got David down here - and we need to ..." while turning her chair around so I
couldn't see her and her voice got very quiet as it sounded like she
was whispering. All I could see was the telephone cord coiled around the
back of her chair and I heard Janet whisper back.
It sounded like stifled laughter from the receiver for a minute and then
Nancy had turned her chair back around suddenly with an intent look to
read the expression in my face, which obviously, hadn't changed since it
entered a totally perplexed look earlier.
She smiled at me, as apparently that was how I was supposed to look,
confused - and boy was I. "Janet will be here in a moment." Then she
tapped her pen rhythmically against the table for a moment. Janet knocked on the door. "Enter." Nancy said, and Janet was standing there.
"Ready to go, David ?" she asked me in a friendly tone. And like all the
women on this floor she was quite pretty and attractive herself, with
brunette hair, tied up interestingly in curls in the back, and the
familiar black miniskirt I was seeing all the employees wear.
"OK." I said, but before I could get too far Nancy added, "David, you
remember what I told you. I want you on your best behavior and don't you
forget what you're supposed to do !"
"Yes ma'am." I said.
"Go run along now." she said lowering her voice in that kiddie-tone again with a bit of a smile.
Janet's voice was tinged with humor too and her mouth spoke tightly, "This way, David."
The thing is, I remembered where the restroom was on my first tour, but I
didn't want to mess up whatever routine they had and I certainly didn't
want to make Nancy mad at me.
As I suspected, she led the way, specifically back to the restroom I was
first issued at, which oddly enough was nowhere near the women's
restroom which was down a different hallway.
I did notice that when I passed the women's restroom that there were a
lot of women standing outside the door chatting and talking about the
most trivial things and definitely not anything about business and did
give me a few mean glares as I walked by as if I didn't, once again,
belong on their floor.
"Okay, David." Janet said when we arrived. "You remember what you're supposed to do ?"
"Sure." I said, a little puzzled. Yes, I was a big boy. I knew how to go to the bathroom and I didn't need help with that ...
"Go on then." she politely said and sat down on a chair that was placed
by the bathroom door after lifting the magazine that was on the seat to
look at it. I noticed that the chair was definitely not there earlier
before, and the hallway was completely empty except for her.
I went in and chose the stall farthest from the door, well, there were only 2, although there were no doors to close on them.
I just needed to pee so stood and did that, but as I was doing it and
the water trickled around the bowl, I suddenly heard Janet's voice call
loud and clear from in the hallway as if was urgent, "What is our policy
regarding forms 483-Z ?"
I hesitated. Maybe she was talking to someone in the hallway. I
dismissed it and was just about to finish up but just then there was a
loud and frightening thump on the bathroom door and she must have held
her hand there because her voice sounded louder, as if the door were
partially open now.
"David ! Answer the question ! What is our professional policy regarding the 483-Z forms !?"
END
OF CHAPTER 4
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