Wit & Wisdom - July 8th 2013

A Chapter by dw817

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

W&W Jul 8th 2013

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01. If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

02. Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.

03. What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry ? Never lick the spoon.

04. Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

05. Why is a bra singular and panties plural ?

06. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

07. Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.

08. Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

09. There are no winners in life … only survivors.

10. A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

11. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

12. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting back up again.

13. I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

14. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

15. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

16. America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose the weight gained from it.

17. Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes, and that can really stink.

18. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

19. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

20. Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

21. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

22. I sometimes go to my own little world, but that’s okay, they know me there.

23. I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in ?

24. Strangers have the best candy.

25. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

26. Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

27. Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

28. To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

29. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor !

30. Nobody in the world dies a virgin … life screws us all.

31. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

32. If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.

33. Your gene pool could use a little chlorine in it.

34. The winner of the rat race is, unfortunately, still a rat.

35. Trust - but verify.

36. Say no, then negotiate.

37. 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence ?

38. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

39. When you are in it up to your ears, it’s a good idea to keep your mouth shut.

40. A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.

41. Rehab is for quitters.

42. I wear the brains in the family.

43. He Who Laughs Last missed the punch line and is trying to cover up his ineptitude by laughing anyways.

44. Do Not Disturb. I already am.

45. I am the type of girl that can watch hundreds of horror movies and never get scared, but will scream at the top my lungs when the toast pops out of the toaster !

46. Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends.

47. A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.

48. While money doesn’t buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.

49. Love doesn’t make the world go ’round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

50. Love is loving what your lover loves.