01. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
02. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
03. When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
04. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
05. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
06. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
07. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ... oh wait, he does.
08. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
09. Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button !
10. You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
11. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
12. According
to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in
front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, the men are just
grateful.
13. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
14. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
15. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
16. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
17. America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
18. To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
19. They keep saying the right person will come along for you, I think mine got hit by a truck.
20. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
21. By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
22. Progress is always made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
23. Confucious say: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
24. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
25. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
26. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them ?
27. I don't have a beer gut, I have a soft protective sheathe for my rock hard abs.
28. We
have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters
will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks
to the Internet, we know this is not true.
29. Why
do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
give their vacuum one more chance ?
30. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
31. The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners come from Earth.
32. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them ?
33. There
are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who
learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to
learn that it's hot.
34. You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
35. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
36. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take that chance ?
37. Life is like a bird. At first it looks really pretty until it poops on your head.
38. I =DID= marry Miss Right ! I just didn't know her first name was Always.
39. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
40. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
41. Why
is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand
up and say, "My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic ?"
42. When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn ?
43. I
saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law recent as I stood to
watch. My neighbor arrived looking confused and asked me, "Aren't you
going to help ?" I shook my head and said, "No, six should be enough."
44. The difference between fiction and reality ? Fiction has to make sense.
45. Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
46. What if there were no hypothetical questions ?
47. Only in America do banks leave their vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
48. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection ?
49. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
50. People
can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those
who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
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