01. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
02. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
03. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
04. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
05. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
06. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
07. Women may not hit harder, but they may hit lower.
08. A
little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
09. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
10. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
11. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
12. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
13. I always take life with a grain of salt, ... plus a slice of lemon, ... and a shot of tequila.
14. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
15. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
16. You
are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and
there was only one life jacket ... well, I'd miss you heaps and think of
you often.
17. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
18. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
19. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
20. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
21. If winning isn't everything than why are you keeping score ?
22. Some people hear voices ... Some see invisible people ... Others have no imagination whatsoever.
23. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as opposed to when you are actually in it.
24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked ?
25. I
have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they
don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out
all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a
cat.