Service With A Smile

A Story by dw817

This is just a joke, sort of, but it really does shows how ludicrous grocery and super market stores are today compared to years ago.

Service With A Smile !

SERVICE WITH A SMILE !

This is just a joke, (well sort of), but it really does shows how ludicrous
grocery and super market stores are today compared to years ago.

Hello. I'm on my way home, but I stop by the local grocery store to pick up a pack of gum and a grand adventure ensues !

The story you are about to read is a true fictional account. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty. Here is what happened.

I am in the store and see an advertisement for the gum I want.

"Stuckey's ! The extra-sticky chewing gum, guaranteed to require dental intervention after chewing !"

... Let's see the flavors they have are regular, regular light, regular original, regular new, regular double, regular classic, regular limited edition, sugar-free regular, regular zero now with double zero calories, blueberry waffle (may contain tree nuts), spearmint, eww ... that tastes like toothpaste, Vibramint, now with Dentalyte, I'm not taking a chance on that.

Darnit ! Where's peppermint ?? No peppermint ??

Beneath the caption it says, "Guaranteed satisfaction."

Well ... I'm not satisfied. I see a gentleman putting prices on a candy aisle to my right with a price gun so I go to meet him.

"Hey. Umm - Hi there. Can you help me, please ?"

He looks up for a moment from his work and appears distracted, "I'm sorry sir, I only work here."

I nod agreeably, "Riiight. So - maybe you can help me ?"

He seems irritated now, "Like I said sir, I only work here. Now, how can I help you ?"

OK, I'm confused now, "... ! Well who can help me then ?"

He points to the front of the store, "If you'll go to customer service, I'm certain they can help you there."

I sigh frustratedly, "Yeah Okay. I'll try that."

His demeanor suddenly perks up and he waves at me as I walk away, "Certainly sir ! Glad I could help you !"

Well, here I am in the customer service line. Ahead of me is a really grizzled old fellow. He smells like he hasn't bathed in - a-while.

He slaps down a dollar bill and speaks gruffly, clearly missing some teeth for his speech, "$1 on the Slick-Bucks lottery please."

The Checkout lady exchanges the dollar for one of those scratch-off lottery cards, "Certainly, sir. Anything else ?"

It is clear he just wants the ticket, "Maybe in a minute. Hold on a second will ya."

She seems a little confused but smiles, "Okay, sir. Take your time."

The grizzled fellow turns around apparently aware I arrived and looks at me, "Say buddy. You gotta dime ?"

I - really don't want to give him anything so I shrug, "Sorry. I really don't think -"

He gets mad now, "You don't have a dime !? What the HELL are you doing in here anyways ? Nothing is free in life ya know ! What are you, some kinna homeless bum ?"

He's to speak. Oboy, "Look, I - ahhm ... " I can't think of a way out of this. It's just a measly little dime. "Sure, here." and I fish in my pocket to give him one.

"Thattaboy." he says in a grizzly friendly voice. Then he turns back around and taking the dime scratched off his card. Right there in the checkout.

Time passes. I get a little impatient, "Look can you - "

Whatever kindness was there for me giving him the dime has already melted, "Hold on to your britches boy. I'm almost done. Yeah. Yeah ? Awright ! I'm a winner !"

I'm a little interested now, "Oh ? What did you win ?"

. . .

He turns back around and faces me with a wide grin showing crooked teeth, the ones remaining, and zero dental hygiene overall, "Twenty G's !"

Despite this, I'm happy for him. "Twenty thousand dollars ?" I'm really surprised now ! Wow - That's awe - "

"Naaw man, twenty greenbacks. Whadju think I said ?"

I deflate a bit, "Oh. Well." I think about touching him as consolation but his jacket looks even dirtier than him if that's possible so I hold my ground but still speak encouragingly. "Well - good for you."

I try to move forward in line thinking he's going to start shopping now but he doesn't move and apparently wants something else.

He speaks to the checkout lady, "Yeah. I want to reimburse this for something."

She looks it over carefully to see he is a winner in fact, "Certainly sir, what would you like ?"

"Let me see ... Yeah ! 20 more Slick-Buck lottery cards !"

I lower my head and sigh, "Hoo boy."

Fortunately after she counts out an even 20 for them from the roll, he leaves with them to go scratch them off somewhere else.

She watches him leave out the exit door to the right and then faces me, "And how can I help you, sir ?"

I'm very polite, "Yeah. I'm trying to buy myself some Stuckey's chewing gum."

She points beyond her booth, "Certainly, sir. You'll find a nice attractive display case at the front of check out. Please make your selection from there."

"No. No - it doesn't have peppermint."

"Sir ?"

"There's no peppermint flavor. And there's a notice that reads Guaranteed Satisfaction."

She seems confused, "So ... how can =I= help you with that ?"

I just now realize that guy took my dime. My voice tightens, "I'm - not satisfied."

"Sir ?" she asks like the two words aren't related in a store of this quality.

"Don't you have any peppermint ?" I finally ask.

She now hits a patronizing tone, "Sir, if you don't see any peppermint-flavored, what is that, Stuckey's Chewing Gum ? Then we must be out. Perhaps you can try again tomorrow ?" She then sings, "Thank you !" thinking that we are done.

I'm firm and not leaving, "Can you check in the back, please ? I mean, it does say Guaranteed Satisfaction."

"..." Longer pause, Irritated and finally she speaks, "Yessir. I can do that. If you'll wait right here. Let me see if I can find one for you."

I step to the side. Fortunately there's no-one behind me. I wait for a few minutes looking at the DVD selection, Rabid Squirrels Go On Christmas Holiday 2, and she finally returns.

"There you go sir. I think if you'll examine the display again, you'll find what you're looking for. Once you pick out your product, please feel free to complete your purchase up front from one of our friendly cashier checkout stations."

Appreciatively, "Oh ! Okay, thanks !"

"Yessir ! You have a nice day now."

. . .

I go back to the display and sure enough they finally have Peppermint Stuckey's. I grab a pack and go to check out. Or so I think !

There are 10 aisles for customers and only 2 are open ! One for 15 items or less, and a regular one. Both look equally long in length, about 7 customers each.

I glare at the remaining 8 aisles with no checkout. Finally I reluctantly stand in the 15-items or less aisle. Long minutes pass. I am just about up front when someone taps me on the shoulder from behind.

It is a woman, well-dressed but with way too much makeup on who has CONSIDERABLY more than 15-items in her cart. In fact she's layered the bottom of the basket with pizza, ice-cream, and baby-food nearly to half-level ! And the baby-food must be for the toddler riding in the cart as well who's blurbling wet mess all over his bib which must be permanently affixed to his neck cause it looks old and awful.

"Excuse me ! I'm in a bit of a hurry please." she says impatiently.

I look at her innocently, "Ma'am ? All I'm buying is - I just have this gum, okay ?"

She looks at me angrily as if I have just as many groceries as she does.

"And I'm paying cash ?" I offer, hoping this will defuse her.

It doesn't. She then starts to tap her foot impatiently, and I realize it's one of those high-heeled ones that makes a loud annoying clicking noise.

I sit there to see if she lets me go first. Tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap. She pauses for a second. The huffs angrily and switches feet to tap it even faster.

Wow people are just - I sigh, "Well, yeah. I guess so." and I let her ahead of me.

"Thank you." she says in a sarcastic tone. The baby gives me a dirty look as well as she ushers her full cart around me.

"More power to you." I grumble. Fortunately there is no-one behind to hear me.

Then it comes time for her to pay.

She holds out her credit card. "I want to pay with this."

The checkout is a young boy who has a slight nasal sound to his voice, "Certainly ma'am. Just slide your card in and enter your PIN number."

She slides the card in, but it's the wrong way. She has the magnetic strip on the other side of the card. Nothing registers.

"How do you do this ?" she asks the boy.

I don't believe this ! She tries to buy all this stuff in the wrong checkout and now she doesn't even know how to use her own credit card ?

"Ma'am. You need to slide your card all the way through the machine." the nasally checkout boy says innocently.

She doesn't do it a 2nd time and getting irritated now she raises her voice, "I did slide it ! Nothing happened."

"Ma'am, maybe you could try again, please ?" he adds quietly.

"Okay," she says agreeably. Then she slides it in again, exactly the same way, the wrong way. Naturally the machine can't read it.

Then she looks at the card, and rotates it carefully in her hand. She slides her finger along the dark magnetic edge. Then she carefully slides it in again several more times, all wrong every time, the magnetic strip doesn't even see the reader as she has it gripped under her thumb.

. . .

I'm getting a little fidgety now so I offer, "Ma'am ? Maybe if you hold it -"

She explodes at me, "Are you trying to tell me I don't know how to use my own credit cards, boy !?"

I back away, "No no .. It's just that - well ... You're - "

She faces the checkout boy again determined none of this is her fault, "Your machine is broken. I want to see the management ! Now !"

"Ma'am ?" he asks fearfully.

"Your - manager - here - now !" She says and really hikes up her voice. The baby in her carriage starts to wail at hearing her get so loud. I touch the sides of my forehead, willing the headache in them to recede. Maybe a stick of peppermint gum would help ?

"Ahhm ... Certainly, ma'am." and he picks up a phone. Then his voice echoes over the loudspeakers, "General Management to Aisle 3 please. Management to aisle 3. Thank you."

I poke my head out and look at the other aisle which I'm assuming might be faster by now, but no, it's gotten worse. A lot worse ! The only other lane that was open has expanded considerably and now has everyone backed up all the way down to the frozen food aisle ! What are they doing here ? Why don't they open another lane ??

I sigh. Finally the manager shows up.

He is all business and friendly, "I'm the general manager. How can I help you, ma'am ?"

"I want to checkout !" she says angrily. I hear the baby say something unintelligible but it sounds like support for her.

I nod, he nods, the checkout guy nods, that's 3 votes. I want her to check out too so I can get out of here.

"Certainly." he says agreeable. She waves the credit card in his face. He looks at it. Then her. Then the card again.

Finally he adds, "Now will that be cash or charge ?"

"I want to use this." she says and waves the credit card in the air again harder. Then she raises her voice, "But it won't work ! What's going on here anyways !? Is this some way to try and rip me off !?"

"Ma'am." he says in a soothing tone, "If you'll just calm down, I'm certain we can work this all out."

He takes the card from her hands and blessedly scans it the right way the first time. The machine beeps acknowledgement. He hands the card back to her.

"Now then. Go ahead and enter your PIN number."

She looks totally baffled.

"Right here." the manager says patiently, and points to the 12-keypad.

"What am I supposed to do here ?" she asks in a hurt tone that indicates she has never used one before.

"Ma'am." the manager says patiently, "If you'll just ENTER in your PIN number, we'll have you checked out and on your way. Won't that be nice ?"

I nod, very very nice.

"What's a PIN number ?" she asks baffled at the term.

I can't hold back, now I'm usually a patient fellow but I know there is no way that can possibly be her credit card if she doesn't even know how to use it. Finally I say a little upset and a little too loudly, "I don't believe this !"

. . .

The manager looks at me for a moment, "I'm sorry sir. Is that all you're buying ?" and points to the stick of gum in my hands, which in truth has actually gotten pretty sweaty and warped due to all the stress I've had at this point.

"Yessir." I say, dearly hoping he can check me out so I can get out of here.

He nods and points past the register, "Well, why don't you use our convenient customer service check out for that single purchase, sir ?"

"Where is that ?" I ask a little confused. Because there are only 2 checkouts open now and there is no way I'm going in that 2nd soup line.

He grins widely and points to the front of the store, "Right over there, sir. That's Mandy, one of our top employees. She'll be glad to help you with your purchase."

I look and it's the same woman I asked about the peppermint flavored gum for ! Oh for good grief and a pair of mismatched socks !

So I get out of checkout and go back over there. She's seen me before. I set the gum down on the counter and take a dollar out of my pocket and set it beside it.

She looks at the gum, the dollar, then me. Several times in fact. Then asks me nicely, "How can I help you, sir ?"

I feel something in my head pop, maybe a logic circuit getting too much current in it ? My voice is strained now, "Ma'am. I'd like to buy this gum please ?"

She looks down at the dollar then back at me, "Certainly sir. Will that be cash or charge ?"

I wince and take my index finger and scoot the dollar bill a little closer to the register. She watches closely. There is a pause. I do it again. Creep creep creep. Maybe I ought to stick it in the register for her as well ?

Suddenly she snatches up the dollar bill as if something clicks in her own head and she says, "That's fine. So do you have one of our Wowie Wonder Cards ?"

"A what ?" I ask.

"A Wowie Wonder Card !" she says getting all excited now, "With it, you can take 3% off every purchase and when you spend $100 dollars or more you can also take an additional 3% off your next purchase."

"Which purchase is that ?" I ask a little confused. Maybe I don't really need to know this ?

"Your next purchase !" she chirps cheerfully as if that's the answer.

"So, which - what purchase is that ?" I ask, determined to learn something that will have no use for me later.

"As I said earlier, sir." she speaks patiently, "Your next purchase. So do you have one ?"

"I - don't think so."

She jumps into a sales speech, "Would you like to get one sir ? It'll only take a minute." and without waiting for a reply, she reaches under the counter and pulls out this long form and sets it in front of me. At the top in star-spangled lettering it says, "Wowie Wonder ! Saving you money like never before !"

I wince at the poppy lettering and the artwork of a wallet with a big slap-happy face on. "That's - okay." I say, "Maybe next time."

"It'll give you a 3% discount on your purchase ... " she pauses for a dramatic effect and then goggles her eyes at me, "RIGHT NOW ! Isn't that wonderful ?"

I look at her. I'm tired and I want to go home. Clearly Susan must be calling me by now.

. . .

"You'll save money !" she sings agreeably determined to get me to sign this. I know most employees receive some kind of perk for getting customers to join clubs and stuff and she had to be the top leader in her field as insistent as she was.

Yeah, whatever. "Fine." I nod. "Sure, what do I do ?"

She returns my dollar to me and puts the gum on the side.

Then she scoots the form closer, "Sir. If you'll just fill out all these blanks, we'll get your Wowie Wonder Card printed right here, while you wait, how great is that ?" she holds her hands together and then blossoms them outward expansively as if it's a great magic trick for my benefit.

"Great." I grumble. I look at the form. Clearly I don't have a pen or a pencil.

Finally she recognizes this, "Sir. Would you like a pen ?"

I smile, finally some kindness, "Yes. I would please." and I hold out my hand for it.

"Aisle # 17." she says and points behind the store while giving me a beautific smile.

My hand clutches thin air and crumples to the ground like a plane that was shot down from the sky. I look over my shoulder at the massive checkout and some kind of disturbance is now developing. Finally I look back at her and shake my head, "Can't I just borrow one ?"

She tilts her head and her tone takes an unpleasant one, "You want to borrow a pen ?"

I nod, "Yes, please - I mean if you still want me to -"

She shakes her head to the side so hard I'm certain she dislocated her molars, "Nossir, you can't 'borrow' anything in this store." she says, her tone getting angry.

"What ? Don't you want me to fill out - " I ask a little confused.

She shakes it the other direction likely returning the molars back in place again, "You BUY things in this store sir. With your own money. You don't borrow ANYTHING. There is a BIG difference, mister !" her voice is getting louder.

I notice the manager still working with the lady with her child looks up for a moment to see if there is another problem developing he has to deal with.

I clearly don't want any trouble so I lower my head, encouraging her to keep her voice down, "Well, no, ma'am, it doesn't have to be your - "

"Are you implying shoplifting ?" she asks tartly and sticks her nose up so I can see a little lipstick up in there.

"No - I mean - "

"We don't like shoplifters, sir !" her voice is now lemon-coated with no sugar at all.

Wow. "No - I didn't say - "

She then shakes a warning finger at me, "We catch ALL shoplifters sir. We are very strict about that. Don't ever think you can shoplift anything from our store - EVER !"

Is the gum worth all this ? "No - ma'am." I look down at my feet, "I just meant - "

I wait to see if she interrupts me again, she doesn't, so I add, "I just mean - can I please - borrow a pen - to fill out this form - you gave me ?"

Her mood takes a 180, "Well why didn't you say so, sir ! I'll be happy to help you with that !"

. . .

She goes over to a counter where there is a display of pens not yet set out in the store. She takes one from the top, tears off the blister plastic-wrap, then takes out the pen and hands it to me dropping the plastic on the floor and turning steps on it with her foot as if it is of no consequence.

"Here you go, sir !" she says with a wide smile.

"Thank you." I look at the blister wrap. Didn't she just have her own pen ? I sigh. I fill out all the information leaving my earliest Email address as I don't want Spam from this store.

Oddly no-one appears at customer service so I can finish at the counter.

I sign the bottom, then turn it back around. She looks at it. After a moment she says, "How can I help you, sir ?"

I bite my lip. "Ma'am. You wanted me to - "

"I wanted ?!" she says getting angry again.

I'm beginning to see how this works, "No, what I mean is - =I= would very much like to join your Wowie Wonder club for an amazing 3% discount."

She nods completely agreeing with the bargain, "Certainly sir ! Have you filled out one of our official Wowie Wonder forms to see if you qualify for one ?"

I tap my finger on the counter. Her eyes see that I have, indeed, filled out one of these crazy forms.

Then her face lights up as if someone shone a pen-light in her countenance. "Yessir !" she says and snatches up the form to look it over.

"Everything seems in place." she says. "Just a moment." She goes over to a machine and prints out a laminated card. This takes a few minutes. As she's doing it I look back at the checkout where I was and the woman there is still arguing with the manager, loudly, but now she's swinging her purse around dangerously, threatening to hit him with it.

The security guard at the front of the store I met earlier now approaches the pair and is talking on a little walkie-talkie, clearly calling for back up.

Boy, I'm glad I got out of that.

"Here you go, sir !" she says and placks the card down on the counter. I pick it up and find it's hot and immediately one of my fingers goes in my mouth.

"Watch out, sir ! That card is full of HOT bargains !" and she laughs crazily.

I smile weakly at the joke and pocket the card, "Sure. Okay. Now what ?"

"Thank you, sir !" she says randomly. Is she high or something ?

"What ? Yes. What ?" I ask. I'm thinking I could leave now but all I did was voluntarily give out personal information for a card I didn't even want. No, I'd stick through this to get that darned gum after all.

"Will there be anything else, sir ?"

"Yeah. I'd like to buy some gum."

She is quiet and looks straight at me. But I'm prepared for this. I reach to the side of the counter and smack the gum in the center where she can see it. Then I take the dollar I put in my pocket and stick it on the top.

She looks at both. "Will that be - "

"Cash." I say interrupting her.

"Do you have one of our - "

I'm totally ready for her now, "Yes, I have a Wowie Wonder Card and I'd like my 3% discount with it, please."

She is grinning that I was so well prepared for this, "Certainly sir !"

. . .

Then she takes me by surprise, "Would you like to contribute $1 to our local charity ?" She points and I see a recognizable charity. I shrug.

"Ma'am. My gum is about 50 cents." I look at it, but I'm pretty sure that's how much it costs.

"Yessir." she says agreeably.

I shake my head, "That would be more than - no - that's fine. Just this purchase, please."

She persists, "Are you sure sir ? If you donate now, you get to become one of our SHINING stars !" she points above the register and sure enough how I didn't notice before is beyond me but strung up on a little stretch of strin there are several silver foil stars with people's names written in them across the booth.

"No, I - "

"Of course, if you donate $20 ! You get to be a GOLD STAR ! And who wouldn't want to be a Gold Star for charity ?" She giggles crazily. "It's for a worthy cause you know !" she points to two stars stuck on the far left, clearly a different colored foil. Perhaps gold-tinted, hard to tell, really.

I tap my finger on the counter. "No, this will be fine. Just the gum."

"Fine." she says pertly, clearly disappointed I wasn't going to spend more than a dollar today.

She takes the dollar. "That will be 58 cents including tax. Taking advantage of your Wowie Wonder Card that makes it 56 cents giving you an enormous 2 cent savings ! Congratulations sir !"

"Whoopee." I say.

"Your change is 44 cents. Would you like a bag for that ?"

"Yes, please."

She reaches under the counter for a bag. Then she puts my gum in. I really wasn't paying attention but all the while we were talking that crazy printout for my receipt was still going making a quiet clatcheting sound ! Geez ! I was just buying one item here !

Finally it finishes. It's 2-feet long ! She goes over and tears it off and like a ribbon for a parade she hands me the mass. I think it would good make a good tail for a kite.

"Here you go, sir !"

I sigh again. How many times today ? And fold it up and put in my pocket.

Then she speaks from quote, "Please note if you have any questions about the usage of your Wowie Wonder card, follow the directions included on your receipt or go to our website and we will be more than happy to help you there."

"Thank - you ?" I say, thinking there's going to be more. But fortunately we're done - finally.

"Nossir ! Thank YOU, Mr. DAVID WICKER ! You have a wonderful day sir !"

For a moment I wonder how she knows my name but it's because I filled out that darned form. All for the savings of 3%. Now when I buy something here the check out can call me by name. I rub my forehead and finally leave, noticing a police car has pulled up and the two policeman run right past me.

Outside I see the same fellow who won the $20 who reimbursed them for lottery cards is standing outside and all of the scratched pieces are littered around him, and he is begging for money.

I wonder if this is a good time to get my dime back, but maybe not.

Finally I leave the store along with my reward. I take out a piece of gum and chew it and it is stale and flat, likely because it has passed expiration. I don't even want to THINK about how long this all took ! ...

Return home HERE.

© 2013 dw817

Author's Note

Have any of you had trouble with customer service before ?

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Lyan

Oh dear! it sounds like a nightmare:( I don't know if I'd stay there for a pack of gum. I might have gone to another store cuz I wouldn't handle all that was going on. Soo sorry you had to go all through that just to get your gum.It does make you think about the actual quality customer service stores of any kind have now and days.thank you for the share:)

Posted 10 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

7 Years Ago

I'm just getting around to backing up all my books and writings in here. Over 44,000 files ! It's ta.. read more

Reviews

Tsubaki Kuro

Hahahahha. What a day for gum buying. I would hate to be in that situation.

Posted 8 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

8 Years Ago

It's a mix of problems I've had with existing stores. I'm pretty sure if a single store had all thos.. read more

Lyan

Posted 10 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

7 Years Ago

I'm just getting around to backing up all my books and writings in here. Over 44,000 files ! It's ta.. read more

The dark story

Oh boy! I myself got a little irritated by all that fuss...all of this just for a chewing gum, and that too a stale one! You say it had happened in real. I should applaud you that you just stuck there after all that fuss to buy your gum. I would have given up rather. I think that’s what the job of those employees are, to make your customer interested in their new schemes.. But yeah, I don’t like that “you snap before you understand the reply” behaviour. That’s irritating. And I don’t think that it fulfils that tag line; rather, it ended san a smile. And when I just think about that woman...what can I say, some people are just not ready to accept their own fault and creates a mess for themselves and others as well. All of them are sorely irksome for me.
Anyway, if I just look at it as a story, it’s a nice work!
I dislike going out for shopping. I remember when I was somewhat around seven, my first shopping “ all by yourself” experience. The counter was of course too tall for me and I was just waiting for my turn after a lady could finish her shopping. and I idiotically put my money on the counter before I place my order. Perhaps the shopkeeper didn’t see that. And when it was her time to pay the bill, surprisingly, the lady said that was “her” money and of course he believed in. I just stood there like an idiot(too shy to speak up) and then disappointingly went back home with nothing!! Yeah I got scolded for being so stupid but that was a lesson: speak up before it’s too late!

Posted 11 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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11 Years Ago

Actually read the comment answer to LISA. I pooled this story together from several other stores I h.. read more

11 Years Ago

there are some circumstances where we have to necessarily lose our patient. . i despise when .. read more

11 Years Ago

It's not stupidity, it's naivety about adults, and that can be charming and endearing especially wit.. read more

Lisa

Great Story! I could totally feel your frustration! As I was reading it, I was getting anxious and thought, where the hell in America is THIS store!? Sounds like something in a Bizzaro world. :)