Where Were You God ?

A poem I wrote when my Dad died ... I still haven't gotten over the loss of him ...

Where Were You God ?     Want to read this in a different language ? Change the TO field to your own country after going HERE Press CTRL = (equals) to increase the page size and CTRL - (minus) to decrease the page size Where Were You God ? © July 2013 Written by David Wicker (Please do not reprint without permission) * * * This poem is Rated: EVERYONE   Where were you God, when I was young ? When life seemed so full, vibrant, and fun. Then I met others who were hateful and cruel. They said that I should always follow their rule. And if I didn't do exactly as they said, They told me I could well wind up dead. And when I was hurt and placed in disgraceful shame, In your absence, can you I fully blame ? My torment was obvious for anyone to see, Yet I can clearly see you turned your back on me. Years went by, and my pain you never guessed, Others suffer I now know because you could care less. Where were you God, as I grew older, I cried for you, and my mind grew colder ? But not a word did you speak, not a single phrase. I had to rely on men's words, to fill my days. So insanity devoured my very soul, I burned years for it with pains untold. I was finally imprisoned within mental wards, For believing to see things, different Lords. Memories of the past come to haunt me still I'll never be free, my sorrow is filled. And now you demand of me to have my time ? Yet not one second in my life did you answer mine ? So allow me to answer your simple request. Giving me none of yours, I keep the rest ! Even if I go straight to hell as others intend, They're proof to me is that you're the image of man. For only a man would vengeful be, Gnashing his teeth with obvious fury. Because I decide not to bow down unto you, You'll turn your back and claim I am untrue. And how can other truly feel That they understand a loving God's zeal ? It's presumptuous of us to believe we can Interpret your Word, for we are only man ! For I believe it's truly beyond all of this, Religion's a joke; an unproven myth. So until then God, you're a shadow, not even a ghost, My Guardian is the one who truly loves me the most. And this Woman BEYOND awaits to hold my hand, Through the days, I'll know and make my stand. She'll hold me very close to her, And ease my pain, my heart will finally stir. For her I'll do the world and so much more, Deep within my soul and to the core. She's told me, if no one will ever have me, Than she certainly will, and my pain will be set free. And when my breath is still and I am dying Into the sky with my Guardian, I will be flying. So in my absence of faith, you can clearly see, I'll be holding her hand, in death she waits for me. Return back HOME   You are Earth Visitor #

Reviews

[quinfinn]

well, a devout bible thumper will tell you that your trials are part of your journey and that "he" works in mysterious ways. i call that blind faith and i find it ridiculous....however, i do think we all suffer this life more than any of us should and that some are privileged and immune to many of its trappings. this is a very good piece of poetry...the couplet form adds to the impact of each thought you project and you have cleverly worded it. nicely done!

[dw817]

Gosh, I -ahhm- didn't understand that last part. I just made it rhyme and stuff. :)

But yah, Mr. G is one mysterious fellow, gotta give Him credit for that. And still - there is a lot I have to be thankful for. I got all my limbs, I'm in good shape, and certainly a busy brain - so - I'm grateful for that anyways.

[quinfinn]

good for you! nice attitude......you're welcome

[Foxemerald]

A very strong poem, filled with the power of an emotion that trembles with trauma and a moving, poignant pain. I wonder, oftentimes, how humans continually take God into their thoughts and hearts, no matter what their intentions? It seems that a being who can provoke such strong adversity must exist even for those who need someone to blame . . . because who else would there be for that purpose? As strange as it seems, He serves a purpose for those who renounce Him as well, because it is so convenient to use him for this purpose. To hate, to love, to write about or muse over when simply wandering over a sunny meadow . . . humans are unrelentingly attracted to Him.

[dw817]

You have a good point here, FoxEmerald.

Yet God, I think anyways, is the one who ultimately is responsible for life and death. I think if we could live forever (and I think I'd really like that myself so I can do more exploring in stuff), maybe we wouldn't even be thinking about God ?

I think we choose to blame God when we can't find a culpable victim for our misfortunes or luck. I know - something was done wrong at that hospital he was in, but I don't know who. My sister said it's a QOL issue (Quality Of Life) and his quality was low.

And yeah well why that might sorta be the case I know he was out having fun on this biggo 3-wheeled Bicycle Dottie got him a few months afore he died and was doin' great and now - well.

I don't even have a grave, his wishes (according to Dottie), was that his ashes be launched into space, and they were, and there ya go. My sister has a small capsule of the ashes - it's just not the same thing.

Dad was my bestest buddy and friend, we talked every day, I walked with him about every day (Mon-Sat), got there early in the morning at 8am for us to do our walk, read the newspaper, dabbled on the computer, watched a home movie, and headed out at 7pm. You take that schedule away and you want to blame someone.

I don't know if I'm so much attracted to God as I am angry with what we are predisposed to believe about Him. Pretty sure mankind needs to just take care of his own yard first afore he starts dictating what the sky is doing.

[Foxemerald]

I'm sorry for my late reply, but more saddened by your loss than my own scheduling conflicts, ha . . . ironically. I think that you are exactly right, though. We do seek to blame someone for our losses, and if there is no one there then God is naturally our first choice. I find myself occasionally looking up to the sky in order to find him, and typically have no trouble pinpointing His exact location, image, what He's doing at that particular moment- every detail you want to name, I can flesh out, if I'm seeking to blame Him. Suddenly, a casual reader of the Bible knows everything there is to know about Him, because I’m absolutely certain that I know more about him than anyone else. Yet, through all that, somewhere deep down I know that I am not really sure that he caused my bad day to happen, even though it is so much easier at the time to think that He did. I do understand your thought process however, and how difficult it must have been to not be able to blame someone that was directly in front of you. In spite of your terrible loss, you no doubt gained some knowledge from it- we CAN’T really dictate to the sky first, can we? Thanks so much for sharing this piece.

[dw817]

Yes, I have. And I might be considered pessimistic. If we cannot create a bridge between heaven and Earth, what good is heaven ? I'll be posting a study on this later today.

I think I can be terribly emotional at times and - this writing was definitely one of those times. Yet - I'm glad I don't do what I used to do when I was in my teens which was bang my head (really) when I get frustrated. Those were bad times. I guess I'm on anti-psychotic meds today for a reason. I don't bang my head, had to make a promise to my Dr (although there are some days I wish I could).

Glad you liked it. I've done some other poetry - I'll have to scrounge around and see where I put it.

[Samuel Dickens]

Sometimes we just have to find something to hold onto, and maybe it holds onto us as well. Getting through the night and down the road to the end--that's what's important.

[dw817]

Fully agree. Just - get through the day. I know times when I've been really really suicidal and I tell myself, get through the day. Do that and think about what to do tomorrow. And, it's like a storm in your head, raging and thundering and - the next day, things are much better. Glad to know I'm not the only that realizes something I wrote long ago, mostly as a joke but I fully believe it today:

"Time - Heals - All."

[Baby Ricochet]

Well, there is a lot of anguish in this. Some of the rhymes are good. It doesn't flow but that's not a bad thing. It depends on what you're trying to say. So far as content I'm basically atheist so I don't think about it much. All in all good job.

[dw817]

Yah I'm one of those WEIRD poets that tries to get things to rhyme all the time. *Grin* Doesn't always work. I wrote this a few months after Dad died.

You never know how much you truly love people until you're not there for them - and I'm wording it thattaways cause in his final days, I was there for him and it wasn't the other way around. His mind was gone - Ph.D. psychologist, man - I hope when I go I gots all my marbles ...

[Baby Ricochet]

I hope I'm in a warm bed and not an alley

[dw817]

When I was in my teens I put myself in a lotta danger living in Dallas and staying out late and hanging out with bad crowds. Now I make sure everything is all locked up by 6pm and don't go back out until morning. It's nutzy people out there. And yah, I wanna die in a nice air-conditioned bed and get my ashes scattered to the 4-winds. :)

[Coyote Poetry]

A hard struggle in the poem. Death is hard to understand. I have lost many in my life. No easy way to learn understanding. I did like the ending. Good to find safety and protection in something. Thank you for sharing the powerful poem. The amazing description create sad visions of struggle and falling apart. Thank you for the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[dw817]

My ! Thank you. Sometimes I think I have a busy little brain going on and I hear and see stuff that's not supposed to be there and I take meds for it and see a doctor every week and, well anyways, my Guardian is there for me, she said she is anyways. So - life goes on! :)

As for death, I've never really understood it. Not really. It's not sleeping and it's not stopping, it's a stillness - it's like I described in one of my books a long time ago.

Then is nothing. A stillness. And there is a middle between that stillness. A soft kind of darkness. And there are divisions between that, and between that as well, until there are millions of molecular divisions where a very particular course of darkness is chosen amongst the billions around it until the definitions cannot register anything except an infinitely long trail of zeros and the hint, if not a suggestion of a different digit at the end to signify it's resting point. Hope.

[Grey]

Everything happens for a reason. It may seem unfair. Or cruel, but it's fate. God knows everything that happens. It happens this way so you can become stronger, learn a lesson. Everything has a reason for happening.

[dw817]

Thanks, Grey. I guess when you're younger you always think of your parents as immortal. I know I did mine and even when he got hurt like playing tennis or something I'd get mad at him cause he's not supposed to get hurt and stuff.

For him to die - it was like the greatest rejection ever. I told myself years ago I would live forever. Today ? I'm not so sure, but I hope to make it to at least 95 before I realize it.

[Grey]

I guess that's true. You always think that they will be there, and it's hard growing up on your own. But what happened gave you a choice to make in life. Grieve their death and find someone to blame or Always remember them and try to do what's best because that's what they would of wanted.

[dw817]

Well, I don't blame any one person - well, maybe whoever it was that gave him Haldol cause he died shortly after that - anyways, it's easy to blame God cause he sure doesn't seem to mind. :)

[Chronic Masticator]

I burned my Bible when my grandpa died. I was twelve. His survival from cancer was the one thing I ever asked God for; not the end to the ceaseless bullying I endured at school, not for my mom to care about me, or for a day that I didn't feel like killing myself. Just for my grandpa to live. And God couldn't even do that for me. His death wasn't even painless. It was horrific, and I was there to see it. That was the day I lost my faith.

[dw817]

Wow ... It sounds like you went thru what I did. But I didn't burn a Bible - I'd be too scared to do something like that.

My Dad died in terrible pain too, and I was too afraid to face him. He was RIGHT, I turned LEFT. I - wrote about my time seeing him in the hospital years ago - and then he was just gone. Anyways - thanks ... and yes, I was bullied 'methodically' I think is the right word, got that written in a different novel.

It's hard to maintain faith when so many people suffer. I really REALLY like what Patrick Stewart said:

"Considering the marvelous complexity of the universe, its clockwork perfection, its balances of this against that ... matter, energy, gravitation, time, dimension, I believe that our existence must be more than either of these philosophies. That what we are goes beyond euclidean or other 'practical' measuring systems ... and that our existence is part of a reality beyond what we understand now as reality."

I even did a picture of him HERE:
http://dw817.deviantart.com/art/Jean-Luc-Picard-My-Hero-283100297

My Dad ? His ashes were shot into orbit on the Celestis Space Flight:
http://dw817.xanga.com/765362648/home---may-2012-archive/

[Chronic Masticator]

When the cancer spread to his brain, he no longer recognized me. On the last day I saw him, he told me "You're not my Amanda. My Amanda was bigger than you." Then he started screaming that demons were coming out of the walls. My dad took me out of the house while the hospice nurse sedated him. He went into a coma that night and died just hours later.

[dw817]

Oboy ... Perhaps I was blessed with, my Dad was so out of it on his final days, I don't think he even knew where he was or even who me or my sister was. Rose said her Mom died of Alzheimer's as well, and in the final days - she - too - did not even recognize her.

I know when he was 'relieved' from driving and working, me and him watched old episodes of Gilligan's Island and Addam's Family and he really seemed happy. Years ago since he was a Ph.D. doctor and Mensan member, he would've never watched such, 'fluff.'

It's a terrible disease. Me ? I've just got bipolar schizoaffective disorder. It's not great, if I don't take my meds, I hear voices and sometimes see things and was in the mental ward for that. But if I do take my meds, I have vivid vivid dreams and, well, pen them down and try to work them into my writings. Sometimes it's hard to tell reality from fantasy esp. if that fantasy memory is such a one better than the ones you've had growing up.

Very sorry about your Dad ... :(

Perhaps - you could write about your life and time together ? I've found some of my best writing is when I can relate and tell about things and people and friends from my past.