Again

I let myself trust, believed them when they said they'd never let me fall. This is what I deserve for being so stupid.

They don't love you. They love the mask you wear.

This realization hit me hard and fast, as I watched my friends laughing together at the table, where every seat was filled, including mine. I had known this was true, that they loved me only when I was useful, only when I was not human.

 

You cannot be a stone.

I may not be able to be a stone, but I have been one for so long, it hurt me to realize that this was who I have become. I don't feel, don't eat, don't sleep- I just breathe, am here to sit upon, to support, to listen. But now, now that I need to talk and need to cry, my friends are scared away. They discovered my facade, and now they have filled my seat.

 

You knew this would happen.

My mind lashed out at me, and I could not reason away the truth. I had known, had purposely put myself out there, in hopes that when the charade fell, maybe someone whom I had supported would catch me. But no, they did what I had always known they would do. Like everyone else, they pretended not to hear me fall. When I knocked up the dust from the ground, they turned their backs. If I cannot support them, then what use am I?

 

You are nothing. You have no use as a human being. You make a better rock.

The tears fell. This cruel voice inside my head, it was right. Everytime I tried to become human, tried to shed my hard layer of stone that weighed so heavily upon my shoudlers, tried to support those who had once used me to heighten their pedastal, everytime I was left in their shadow. I am not anything but a rock to them, fun to kick around for a while to show how strong their feet are, but no fun once I crumble under their strength.

 

They are finished with you, just walk away.

I shook my head, the tears flowing still. This could not be the end. If I fall again now, I'll never get back up. But as I watched them laugh once more, everyone wearing happy smiles, I knew the ground was fast approaching. They no longer needed me. I had helped them all, put their lives in order and served as a thing to talk to. Now that they were happy, why would they need me? I am not something someone wishes to keep for long. I am like an old junker car, great for a young kid and his first car, to get him where he needs to go, but when he wants to start impressing girls and looking better, I am the first thing to be replaced.

 

Stop staring like a poor kid in a candy store window. Go.

I wanted to leave, I truly did. But I couldn't. I stood there, watching their good times, watching them form memories I knew I would never have or be a part of. Sobbing now, I turned away. I was not stone anymore, rain had washed away my gray paint. I ran into the school library, wanting only to hide amongst the books until I could learn to be stone once more.

 

Don't be so stupid next time. No one will ever love you, not for you. Face it, you are nothing.

Author's Note

Please let me know how it is, sorry for being so emo, I just needed to let out some thoughts.

Reviews

[Aubrin]

This is not emo! This is beautiful!:) I'm trying to work out of this situation, actually. You're an excellent writer, keep up the good work!

[Hiroko]

Beautiful... absolutely amazing! Life-changing, in fact. It's the sort of piece of writing which makes you look at life deeper, and not just accept things as they seem on the surface.