A Human Hero

For the contest "An elf enters the room"... This takes place in the fantasy world of Cithigan, ruled by a sole, unmarried male wizard named Grendal. Aaron is about 14, a low-class free human.

"What are you doing here?" an incredulous voice asked.

Aaron turned his head to find the source of the ridiculous question. He tried to hold in his disgust when he found it. A large head was only inches from his face. It sported short snout with nostrils like a pig's, and the creature's moist breath smelled of alcohol and pickled radishes. The heavy, warm mist filled with small particles of snot and drool flew from his nostrils as the creature snorted in Aaron's face. Beneath a large, Neanderthol-forehead were two squinty, beady black eyes with pointed edges. The creature's eyebrows were ridges in his forehead, casting shadow on his dark, rhuemy irises. His brown skin was filled with wrinkles and pulled tightly over an oddly shaped, partially-extended skull that gave him a dopish, simple-minded appearance. The creature had the hooves and legs of a pig, with the stature of a lopsided man who is leaning forward too much. If standing straight up, he would tower over Aaron by several spans.

"I am here because I was invited by His Majesty Grendal, just like everyone else," Aaron retorted, and the pig-like creature snorted again, raining goopy mucus all over Aaron's face. He reached up a black-sleeved arm to wipe it off disgustedly.

"Like King Grendal would invite a lowly human! Whose slave are you, runt?" the creature asked, a wry smile on his lips. Aaron fumed at the suggestion that he was an escaped human slave.

"I am no creature's slave! I own myself and my possesions," he said hotly, glaring directly into the beady eyes. 

"Then who orders you? Surely a human could not have been invited here of his own accord," the creature chuckled, his eyes amused.

 "I was acting on no one's orders when I stormed the Wizard's palace to free his captives, leading a troop of only twenty against some two-hundred magically-capable guards, and I am acting on no one's will but my own by ending this conversation! Good day, sir," Aaron said rudely, reminding the idiot who exactly he was.

Aaron had single-handedly, with a troop of only twenty civilians, managed to capture the wizard Kargot when he had threatened to kill over a hundred captives, including children, if the king did not legalize the practice of the Dark Magic. The captives had included most of the population from Aaron's village of free humans, and he and the other men who had managed to evade capture had hidden within the palace and free the captives while Aaron, who had devised the plan, dealt with the sleeping wizard. By the time the King's guards had stormed the domain and entered the chamber, Kargot was already laying stiff with a small dagger in his heart. In his gratefulness, the King had knighted Aaron for his bravery, the only human ever to carry the title.

"My apologies, Sir Aaron, I did not recognize you. Spare an old Runhog, who's vision is not quite as it used to be," the creature said, backing away swiftly.

The Runhog's words were lost on Aaron though, for his eyes were on the door, where a crowd had parted to allow the elf representatives, including the queen and princess, to enter the room. Elves were famous for their beauty and strength, along with their art and music, but nothing could have prepared Aaron for the sight of Princess Soriya, the daughter of the elven queen.

Elven women were quite tall compared to the men, being the height of a short human woman, about 5 footspans and one handslength. Soriya fit this standard, having the dark hair and long neck that was also a characteristic of elves. Her hair was straight, falling to mid-shoulder. She wore it loose, hiding her pointed ears. Her eyebrows were thin, higher than most human's, and she had the thin, frail-looking body of most elven women, though she probably had the strength of some ten men. Her dress was a shimmering sapphire silk, cascading to the floor in whispering falls with no hoop skirts to make it expand from her hips. It was loose from the waist down, forming a smooth triangular shape to her midriff.

The top was fitted with a low, swooping neckline that ended just as the swells of her breasts became visible. Dark purple lace outlined the neckline and hem of the skirt. It encircled her slim waist and come down in a pattern of intricate loops to the bottom of the dress, where it split into two lines that divided the exact middle of the skirt. Her shoes clacked on the marble floors, so they seemed to be some kind of thin heel, most likely glass with a blue tint, as was a pride of the elves.

The princess Soriya skimmed the room, giving a brief nod to all in the vicinity, though her eyes skipped intentionally over Aaron. As she refused to acknowledge his presence, the spell was broken. To her, a vain, beautiful elf princess who would some day inherit the throne, he was just a human, not even worth a slight nod. Fuming, Aaron went to find the throne. He would pay his respects to the King and leave, for it was painfully clear that no lowly, weak human, even a knighted hero, seemed at place in a ballroom full of magical creatures and beautiful elves.

Author's Note

Please point out anything you see, I do tend to have a problem spelling words correctly, so if you notice any spelling errors, please point them out. =) Thanks for any help or advice...

Reviews

[Luke Masters]

oh - sorry - I forgot one:

There are a couple of places where you have not properly punctuated speech.

For example:
"Surely a human could not have been invited here of his own accord." the creature chuckled, his eyes amused.

Should be:
"Surely a human could not have been invited here of his own accord," the creature chuckled, his eyes amused.

Using the comma, then the quote marks, then the full stop (not full stop, quotes, full stop) makes it all part of one sentence as it should be. There are several of these throughout. Hope this helps. :)

[Luke Masters]

I like some of the descriptions here, as they painted some lovely pictures and overall I enjoyed the story and the characters... but - because you asked us to point out anything we see, here are a couple of suggestions:

1) Don't use numbers in this type of writing - write the words for the number instead, i.e. 200 = two hundred.

2) Some of the sentences do run a little long. One example is the description of the hog creature in the first paragraph. Break them up. Short sentences can sometimes be more powerful and almost always read better. But NOT always. :)

3) The reference to storming the wizard's palace confused me, since we were told that the king was a wizard. That seemed to imply to me that Aaron was the king's enemy, and yet somehow an honoured guest. How did he come to be knighted if humans are so hated? Why was he invited to such a function?

And that's it! :) I enjoyed this piece and would read more. I liked your character and setting descriptions and think I'd enjoy the world you are creating here. Please ignore anything you disagree with here. Just some thoughts that I had that I hope are useful.

[Dusty]

Which sentence was that? I do tend to have a problem with run-ons sometimes...

Good job. This is an interesting world you have described. The only thing that bothered me was the second sentence in the second-last line. It seemed to go on a bit long, but that could be just my impatience. Aside from that, this is great.

[Eye0fthebeh0lder]

I really like this, you have a talent for describing things in great detail. Good job :)