A letter to God

Dear Almighty Lord,

Life was still better when I only had you to talk to, when I hadn't made it a mess by making friends with the wrong kind. I boast of my intuition and yet when it gave me negative vibes I was so foolish to have ignored it. 

I'm sorry, you gave me so many chances so many signs to cut off the toxic friendship I don't even want to use their name so I'll call them Q, from my life but I resisted all. I thought no, I should be the bigger person and I let Q use me even though I cried so much because I just felt friends are like this right? Q is helping me in my career, Q is so strong and popular and successful, imagine such a person considers me a friend, so I shouldn't act ungrateful. But how, how could I let Q take advantage of me and use me emotionally and mentally. Q kept on saying they don't have friends, but wasn't that a lie? Q did have friends but showed that just like me they too are lonely and need a friend to understand. 

I was such a fool, from the start Q gave me the feeling like I'm a project that needs fixing, so many red flags but I didn't cut Q off. But more than anything else I regret continuing being Q's friend. I eventually did realise, I was never important to Q, they just needed someone to talk to when they wanted someone, in fact, even the conversation tired me because we didn't talk like friends it looked like they just wanted to gossip and bad mouth about people who they didn't like or boast their abilities or their sadness and their dating life. How didn't I realise a person like this would do the same about me to someone else? How could I be so foolish and so blind. Why do I want to see the goodness even if there isn't any? Breadcrumbs is all Q threw at me and I thought that's what I deserved at least Q listens to me. Sigh, a therapist would have been better choice than Q but even then Q had convinced me only mentally ill people seek therapy and that I just play the victim when nothing in my life is bad, I have a good perfect life. Just because they had the perfect life. And I started thinking too, maybe yes I am the problem, everything is good in my life but I am the problem I play the victim. One moment they said, they didn't know why people rejected me and when I asked they wouldn't have done the same right - their truth came spilling out - obviously I would, you're good looking but you still can work a lot on yourself and advance in your career, but oh you're still my type (what a load of crap). 4 years of friendship and they convinced me I am the problem.

I won't deny, yes they did encourage me they did guide me in my career but lately I realise it was nothing selfless, they just wanted to be known as 'I am such a helpful person'. Q used me, Q never did date me but that didn't stop Q from spoiling my name and clearing the misunderstanding others had, their response 'what can I do, people will think what they want to' but weren't these people your friends couldn't you have cleared a misunderstanding? Guess you liked how you could manipulate and control me, and because I was so lonely I would not leave you. You and your friends, a bunch of hypocrites. You kept on misusing and crossing the boundaries or rather earlier my boundaries were weak, and I let you trample all over me.

I didn't crave anything I just wanted a friend. I was so innocent and so foolish and so big-hearted and kind. And I was so afraid of losing myself again. Oh, how could I have been so stupid, so stupid.. I wish I had met you sooner 'the one' who truly gave me the courage and helped me cut off those toxic ties. I wish though I hadn't lost you, I wish you had believed me when I told you - that Q didn't mean a thing to me because I always wanted to cut them off I just lacked the courage to do so. Because every time I cut off Q, they reentered my life with a bang, and I was so lonely I let them in. But dear God, you knew everything didn't you? So why didn't you remove them from my life - why didn't you send me my person 'the one' we were always so close and yet so far, and now you've once again taken them afar, so so afar 

There are just too many if only and what ifs and whys but I will just think this is all a part of your plan o mighty Lord. But I just feel so lost, so utterly alone. After all, I lost the only person I genuinely loved and I think who loved me too (maybe). 

But this time I am not that weak, I won't go back to Q - I cut them off for good. I will seek you, and spend time with you. And hopefully I will heal. And I pray 'the one' came back, I love them from the bottom of my soul.

Yours,

Bruised, battered, and lost child 

Reviews

[Kaye]

God is always there for us no matter what we go through,
His love is amazing and we know we can trust in him.
Nicely written