i want to believe

I'm constantly comparing myself to the past
I'm not sure how to stop
Only memories make me smile again
The present is like an odd waking dream that I'd rather shut off
So loud and certain of itself

It's not to say I always enjoy the past
It's more like I can hate it how I want
Or love it

I understand this is what "professionals" refer to as "delusion"
But I feel like I complicate both those meanings when I become aware of them

I feel delusion with awareness,
or possibly even by choice
Complicates everything we know as "reality"

And that belief in the imagination can ponder things
"Magical" or "cosmic" things, into existence
Somehow,
Someway

At least that's what I want to believe.