jokes on jokes

hopefully this can be 15 minutes

Hello this is my first time ever doing this so please don't laugh at me.

I've always been pretty neurotic, or I at least try really hard to be.

I feel like when you're more insecure you learn more about yourself.

You really learn what you're afraid of,

and I just learned that I'm terrified of public speaking, and sweating into a microphone and killing myself of electric shock.

I'm also terrified of the sun but I've learned its important to conquer your fear.

Like I heard from nasa, or it might have been the NSA,

that the sun is supposed to burn up in 2.8 billion years, and that's going to be it for life on earth.

So I say we destroy this b*****d before he destroys us.

When you break the law in mexico and the usa the only place to go is up.

Oh Canada.

Lousy Canadians, always picking up their own trash, I don't trust them.

I heard jokes about ex girlfriends are good...

The first time I ever had sex with my girlfriend it reminded me a lot of watching movies with her. She told me the ending.

I have this weird anxiety that women are always one step ahead of me and they probably are.

I think its developing a lot of trust issues,

Sometimes they text me right as I'm thinking about them

but sometimes its scarier.

sometimes they text me right before I think about them.

Its like mind control or something.

Women are always talking about how intuitive their cats are.

I'm thinking theres going to be a hostile take over.

I mean think about it.

Cats have the angle on life man.

Cats disrespect you, don't listen to you, only want to cuddle on their own terms,

and they eat as well as my dog does.

I feel like some kind of blind servant diluted by the notion of good and bad being manipulated into thinking I'm good person, while this little b*****d, (mind you I've never met a cat who knew their father) reaps about 15 percent of my paycheck, just to give my life meaning I should otherwise be filling myself.

I swear if there is even ONE STRAND of humanity left then the cats are going to have a f*****g great time with it.

I swear everytime I walk into a room with multiple cats, I know they were just laughing about me.

Cats don't talk, not because they aren't smart, its because laziness is much harder said than done.  

My parents are creationist-Christians and they don't like jokes.

They like to laugh though because I think that's just out of human necessity, or oxygen deprivation.

But they laugh at things like "The Big Bang theory"

I laugh at the irony.

My mom thinks irony is a slightly wrinkled shirt.

I have a shirt that says that.

My mom still irons my clothes.

I'm still making fun of my mom...

I hate capitalism, coorporations and all that jazz but I love smoking cigarettes, because I love irony more.

I don't smoke you know, like a good choice of cigarettes, like American Spirits, I smoke camels, which has a picture of a camel in Egypt with the pyramids, camels also have the first filter which can be crushed to make a menthol cigarette. Which seems perfect for a suburban white kid who can't decide what color he is. because I think that's the real American spirit. Cluesss about its own identity.

Self bastardizing, meaning depriving, soul sucking ash flicking, sweat shop promoting, cat worshipping, gonna hop on the next camel that looks enough like my last girlfriend, anxiety ridden, irony blaming, indoctrinating fleshbags.

That's why after this, I'm taking off to Canada with my dog.