our births

Its worth mentioning fore mentioned worth
In our births
In our mothers births.
In time we all subscribe to resign
To soiled dirt.

Its my life
Its worth my time.
The tide is tied to ceiling at night
And the moon is my mother
Pulls me in
with dads' cold light.


There's not a cloud in the sky
I wished you well with my eyes
And watch as you well up inside
the sun' own son
Comes to collect the lids
from mine

Wishing from a well,
From the bottom we fell,
Washing us back with the tide.
To the shore once more
Always in time.

It all happened so fast.
We will never last
Its alright
Ill live.


It was our town
There were no clouds.
When we first arrived
I confused my hopes with a gauruntee.
It hurts;
I hope you leave me first
I hope all it does is hurt.

I confused my prayers with responsibility.
I'm bleeding through evergreen skin
But ill clot my roots again.

You said never again,
Without any faith in the end.
I swore it irrelevant.
Lets not start this again



I'm promising seasons.
Any will do for a place to begin.

Reviews

[SteveB]

I am torn by this piece. There are so many things that I really liked - a great use of interior rhyme, strong images, nice use of alliteration, and many excellent turns of phrase but in the end, for me at least, the sum was not up to the total of the various parts. It almost appeared as if this were two different poems somehow put together. The last three, or perhaps four, stanzas do not to my ear [or eye] seem to mesh with the first four. Both are well written but the connection seems lost. I am interested in your explanation. PArtly because I enjoy learning the thought processes of other writers and partly because I truly want this to fit together as a cohesive whole.
On a side note, "I confused my hopes with a guarantee" is one of the best, and most heartbreaking, lines I have read here.
I look forward to reading more of your work.

[Ravyne Hawke]

Wonderful imagery, great language.. but I detect 3 poems here, not one cohesive poem. I think it could easily be fixed with more stanzas added to connect the two lower portions to the first.

[Malette]

"a quality of of beauty and intensity of emotion . . ." - this poem is defined by THIS.
THIS is poetry.

[Astro]

I somewhat agree with SteveB, in that there are some strong lines and very good flow throughout, this last bit is surely do to your penchant for lyrics. Then, as I read along and aloud, in hopes of getting more out of the poem I was left wondering what exactly I had read. There are beginnings and endings(some seen as false) but with a title like "Our Births" I was expecting more of a connection to this title. Overall, it was still thought provoking and somewhat unique.

[annie lee]

I agree with SteveB. The start of this poem had a clear direction, I thought. But then it fractured after "with dads' cold light. " Then it is as if another poem starts with more enigmatic images and mystery. Then "It was our town " starts another poem. Now none of these poems are bad; in fact, they are beautiful. It just that the three pieces lack cohesiveness to the others. You say you prefer to write musical lyrics; would this poem stand as lyrics for one song or maybe more? I sense a great talent for creativity and the longing to express it. Your mechanics are sound except for "its" is the possessive form for it; if you want to use "it" as a subject and use the verb "is" contracted, it is "it's", the contractual form for subject and verb. That is an English rule that many struggle with their whole lives. And "guarantee" is misspelled. That aside, some beautiful writing -- and I'll bet you give it more attention and ask us to read again. And I'll be pleased to do so.

[twixbubbles]

This was filled with emotion,imagery,and great detail. An amazing piece :)

[Trevor Jay Bloodworth]

Very creative and an interesting read. I like the imagery you used as well as the words you chose to do it with. Looking forward to more from you.

[Sam]

The words so lovely, the flow was good, it really work for this poem. Such confusion but pain I see. I love the references to the moon you used:
The tide is tied to ceiling at night
And the moon is my mother
Pulls me in
with dads' cold light.

Washing us back with the tide.
To the shore once more
Always in time.

You have a real talent. Thank you for the wonderful read and write. I cannot wait to see what else you will dazzle us with. Splendid job.

[Sami Khalil]

"Wishing from a well,
From the bottom we fell,
Washing us back with the tide.
To the shore once more
Always in time.

It all happened so fast.
We will never last
Its alright
Ill live. "
I like those lines the most. Thank you for sharing...:)

[Mark]

I have to agree with SteveB below. The pieces are wonderful, but I have a hard time seeing the finished product.. there is this great use of language in the work, some great thoughts on mortality, it just needs a common direction, or summation.

[one sky]

Profound. You have a great choice of words.

Birth symbolizes your new life...on how will you begin after all that you've been through. In love there's no perfect life...and in life, there's no perfect love. We love, we lose...but we have to live...to move on.
Start a new life...be reborn.

Something to learn about love and life. Amazing piece. Grande!