Unitentional smoke signals to God.

Product of angst, religion, memories and a car ride to talk it all out.

Burnt up my mattress just for the new year.
A cross-eyed stranger with stars in the center,
waiting on the new me to pull myself together.

The walls are peeling paint and looks a lot like last year;
with a pseudo-woman and a cross-dressed inspector.
We're learning all our lessons well before thirty.
Jesus is coming and the years already dirty.

Came into the complex with my own agenda.
First you weren't speaking and I started talking louder.
 Said, "There's holes in the ceiling and I know what you've been up to.
Its none of my business,
but someone needs to tell you."

Bible in my good hand, I'm learning about the left side.
Ambidextrous answers, I'm learning about the good side.
"Sorry if its tricky, but kid you've got to focus."
Smoke signals from the ceiling,
pray like hell, like they told us.

Don't forget to mention your
best intentions.
Its better to make your bed first.
Don't worry about
first impressions.
either way we'll probably get hurt.

Reviews

[Riley]

Again, kinda confusing, but can see general outline of the poem. Interesting.

[MOON]

Lovely insightful write you have this offbeat manner of writing and then there is all the gems better to make your bed first, kind of write you read over and over again gain something new with each read.

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlande..]

this is taking a lot of energy to read and integrate
and I feel hopelessly unprepared to review it
I love the first stanza, cause not only did you take a common phrase
like "pull myself together" and flipped it inside and out
but the figurative mirrors the imaginative
that sort of thing is at the core of every stanza

this piece, I can honestly say holds clues to each man's evolution
it isn't every day you witness something so universal
but here at the cafe nothing and everything surprises me

by far my favorite piece of yours I've read so far

but I've been in a funk lately and some days and I just stare
at things blankly without the courage or will to fight
through the psychological blockages

stanzas like the fourth one are great
it's like a philosopher reaching a conclusion
and an intuition
about an impending apocalypse
simultaneously and packing his bags
and heading for the hills, alone

the last part reads differently than the rest
but I'm a big fan of contrast
and it speaks volumes on the theme

if anything I'd repeat it in the beginning

[dukovan]

wow, thanks a lot for the thought out review. Thanks I still feel like its my best piece, it didn't take a lot of effort to write, my thoughts were just crisp on the evening I wrote it. I've been on the block lately as well.

Thanks for picking up on the mirroring flipping in an out, Its what I went for and it seemed to come out the best in this piece. some sort of chaotic uniform, could you clarify what you meant by repeating it in the beginning? It is a song so some type of chorus or at least, progressive yet repeating structure is always open for new arrangement.
'
Seriously great review, thank you.

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlander]

because you say "don't worry about first impressions" at the end..you could easily put that, well it's not a stanza, but w/e you wanna call it, in the beginning...or you could mix it up...it was just an idea..IDK if it was a good idea...but that was basically it on that..and you're most welcome on the review...this piece was pretty amazing

[Dr. Wood ?]

great stuff....Sounds like a song lyric...as if you've been taking Stipe pills....No just a joke....THis is quite beautiful, scary and surreal...HOW DO YOU DO IT???

[dukovan]

As in Michael Stipe?

[Dr. Wood ?]

yeah that's him...I am a great REM fan and stipes lyrics sometimes go where no man has gone before

[W.k.kortas]

The Stipe comparison didn't hit me right away, but it's there, isn't it?

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlander]

I think it's the lyrical equivalent to a great instrumental king crimson song..I've been saying the word "ironic" way too much lately

[trainwreck]

I love your style. You sound both smooth and frustrated in this poem, like someone rationalizing their frustrations.
On another note, it's nice to be back. I'm glad to review your work again!
Your ironic uses of "morality" and propriety were great.

[dukovan]

Good to hear from you! Thanks for the review, always appreciate them. Any new pieces you would like reviewed?

[trainwreck]

not yet, but keep your eyes peeled. :)

[Lavon Forkeeps]

The title caught my eye, and for good reason. I can relate// "Pray like hell, like they told us," uh, that was pretty brilliant.

[dukovan]

How does that line relate to you? Just curious. Thanks alot for the review. Any pieces you'd like reviewed?

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlander]

I took it like that moment that you're in when something snaps and clicks at the same time and powerful words come out of your mouth that you didn't expect and in a way you didn't expect...I can feel the angst and its prevalence in this line...I could be completely off the mark, but that's the beauty of poetry...you can infer something radically different than what was implied

[dukovan]

Great way of describing that moment, many of the time the best lines are serendipitous. Sometimes I don't even imply, I just infer my own work, and its in the re-reads that the poem of song is truely shaped, by the ever-changing perspectives.

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlander]

I know what you mean about the process part...different format, same spin though on what some would call cause/effect

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

When I read your work I am always aware of the fact that I should be singing it :) I really get caught up in the first three stanzas and the third of these I've been thinking about since I read this last night...something about:
"There's holes in the ceiling and I know what you've been up to.
Its none of my business,
but someone needs to tell you."
seems like lines that if I heard in a song would be ones that I would sing to myself - even though I am not sure exactly what they mean. Again, I may not have offered much. As a poet I'm always over thinking and over analyzing words. With your work I am trying to just imagine I am listening to it as a song...a bit out of my element but willing to learn. :)

[dukovan]

You actually offered a lot by giving an honest way of how the words hit you. It's important for me to know, and helps. It's tough to try to read it as music seeing that there are infinite melodys pauses and cadence's to use. If I get a good version recorded as song I may post with the writng

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

That would be great! I would love to hear the music you hear when you write it.

[allie_arrowz]

i love this, definitely my new favorite of yours. i love world at large too! lol
i say keep the last three lines.
oh and i loved the line "waiting on the new me to pull myself together"

[dukovan]

Glad its your new favorite, maybe that means im getting better. Thanks!

[eglantine]

This went really well while reading in my mind to "World at Large" by Modest Mouse lol. Perhaps it could be lyrics? Great control of conversation. Not sure if I care for the last three lines... Perhaps take out the second to last stanza? Just sounds a bit awkward to me. Thanks for sharing!

[dukovan]

Love that song btw. Modest Mouse in general, (If you like them check out Manchester Orchestra) Yeah I really got going on this piece and felt like I couldn't be stopped. I should probably cut off the fat at the end..Or maybe turn it into a bridge of some sort?

[eglantine]

oooo bridge it!

[dukovan]

decided to come up with a whole new bridge/outro, I'd have to work on the formatting for a full song. but it shakes up the meter a little bit, and seems to fit in better.

[SpitfireGrrrl]

"Bible in my good hand, I' learning about the left side/Ambidextrous answers, I'm learning about the good side."

I *really* enjoyed this. For me, it reminds me of questing about when I was younger - trying to reconcile what FIT with what I was told should fit. Well done!

[dukovan]

glad it could relate to you. How have those answers an questions pieced together for you?

[SpitfireGrrrl]

Pretty well :) I found my own place, but never stopped looking - now I'm working on my degree in Religion - though, not as a devout church goer.