Late Night Conversation With A Ghost

Things have been getting to me lately. I think it started back in May when my grandpa died and I had this weird psychological thing where you basically just black out and I lost two days and ended up trying to off myself. That was embarrassing. When I woke up in the hospital room. I didn't even know why I was there. I just had these vague memories of something I thought was a nightmare. I had to face my family from all over the country the day I got out of the hospital and I felt humility and shame. It was hard to look any of them in the eye. And I saw my grandpa layin in that coffin and oh f**k me it was awful. I'll never forget that.

Then I met Michaela and I have been in love with her since I met her back in Maryville and we had somewhat of a relationship. We hung out all the time fucked and drank whiskey all the time. I guess that's a relationship. But yeah so I meet her again around the time I lost my grandpa and so it brings all the old feelings back and she responds as if she is on the same page and I was happy for about three weeks. She'd gotten kicked out of her parents house and was staying with her room mate up in Iowa so I barely got to see her but we talked every day. She told me she loved me and I returned the words and it was the first time a woman had said that to me in a long time. It felt really good. Fast forward three weeks and her gay room mate is her boyfriend....Fucked me up pretty good. I wasn't terribly surprised

I am a good friend to many women but a potential mate not so much and those that are interested just f**k with my head. Ah love what a wonderful thing.

So during this my pancrititus flares up like never before and I have been in the hospital nine times since may. Now I have chronic pancreatituts and they want to cut my whole pancreas out. F**k me sounds fun right? I read up on it. That procedure is the worst things I'd ever done to a human being. I am a morbid b*****d but even I couldn't dream up something that awful. Check out pancreadectomy if you are interested. So I have had two scopes now those sucked. I hate getting put under. Freaks me out. Reminds me of the shock treatments. That was a s****y time too. I'd lost my mind. I get back to a somewhat stable place and my body craps out on me. It's a wonderful motherfucking life god bless us every one. More like godless. Maybe that's a good thing. What's god ever done for us.Probably just another leprechaun or unicorn or honest politician. Or how about a lawyer with morals. My dad was a lawyer and he is miserable son of a b***h. I'd like to catch him in a dark alley some day and beat the s**t out that old son of a b***h. He's got no feelings so the only way to hurt that old codger is beat him. God that would feel good. Let all the anger and pain he caused me all my life come out through my fist. I might punch clean through his head. Not sure if I could stop. You know he hasn't even called since I got really sick. He called and stopped by a couple times when I first got sick but after that never heard from him again. Guess he got bored. Or something more important came up.F**k him good riddance.

I've gotten rid of most people in my life. I talk to some but there is a very small group I speak with. Even smaller that I actually see. Mostly I just sit in the basement by myself. The phone never rings and I can't think of anything to say or anyone to call. So I just sit and listen to music and write.

Got some weed tonight that was a pleasant development. F*****g 5-0 was out in full force tonight. Keeping us safe by giving us tickets and busting those dangerous pot heads by tricking people into consenting to unwarranted searches. Tricky f***s those cops they try to get in your head. You can't let them intimidate you. Most of them are bullies with a badge. Why be a cop anyway. You don't help people. You don't stop crime. People kill each other all the time. Especially in areas of poverty. Thyey don't solve the crime they just clean up the mess. When my car got stolen they wouldn't even come out to fill out a police report. I had to go down to the station and fill out my own and they signed it. A bunch of s**t. then they charge me 11 bucks for the f****n thing. You should pay me for doing your job you lazy miserable scum sucking b******s. That baby down the street got kidnapped or murdered or both and they didn't solve s**t. God damned media were there 24 hours a day. you couldn't even get down the street because of all the news vans. Those are some more leeches. Sucking every drop out of tragedy and calling it news. They'd run up to me wanting to interview me like I knew anything except a baby was missing. I told him to go f**k himself or something along those lines and he turned and ran off like a damned speed freak. They're all gone now. That baby is dead at the bottom of the river and I'd bet my left foot the mom killed her either on purpose or on accident but I can look at her and see her guilt. When she is around people she looks straight ahead and never looks people in the eye and she doesn't even care. She cried for the news cameras but I see her and it hasn't been all that long and she seems fine aside from oozing guilt. F*****g baby killer. The cadaver dogs hit in the kids room. I bet anything it was her. But she got away with it. God damned shame. No justice for that poor little baby.

Anyway I made it in and out undetected and got my s**t without those f***s gettin me. No sir not tonight. This dangerous crazed pot smoking criminal got away with his dastardly deeds. Funding the terrorists I have heard. I think I am funding Colorado if I followed it to its source. I am ok with funding Colorado. Nothing bad ever happened to me there and its pretty. I am sick of all the terrorist talk. Like we are being attacked on all sides by these evil people that live over in the desert. They have oil so we got in bed with them and can't get out and so we start all these wars with everybody and wonder why we have more and more enemies. It's cause we are over there f*****g with everyone. Telling us all who are enemy is and there is so much hate and racism against those people over here it makes me f*****g sick. Hate is not what drives the war machine though its greed. Some people just can't have enough money and war is big business.F*****g mess. I try not to pay attention because it upsets me and I already have a lot of things bothering me already and that one I can't do anything about. I can't stop the wars. I don't think anyone can. The dominos are already falling and we just have to wait for the last one to fall and the whole thing fall in on its self.Sometimes you just got to let a s**t storm run its course. 

So I have pretty much gone full on hermit. I hang out in my room and listen to the blues or tom waits or something of that nature and I write and I try to keep my illness at bay. I feel horrible. I can't even go for walks with my son. I am too weak from not being able to eat or I am in too much pain. The doctors give me pain pills and finally had me on a dose wher eI felt good again. Not too much not to little. My pain was under control and I was alright and then a week later they said it was too much and have slowly started to take it away. I have enough to stay out of the ER but not enough to live any kind of normal life. Too much god damned pain. You know that s**t will drive you crazy. When it gets nice and intense and it just doesn't let up for weeks at a time you can lose your s**t. When you run out completely the pain gets so bad you think about offing yourself just to make it stop. S***s fucked up. Not one of lifes more pleasant moments. Its on par with the opiate withdraw. They've cut me off cold turkey numerous times and I get sick like a heroin junkie. I hear once Patient or a junkie its all a matter of who takes your money. They got me strung out for sure. I am crabby and pissy and no fun to be around. So I just leave everybody alone because I don't even want to be around me. Why would anyone else. F**k it I have always been a lone wolf anyway. None of them really need me or anything. I have a depressingly small impact on the world.

Lately I've had this feeling like I am starting to disappear. Like one of these days I'll be hanging out down here listening to music or out on the back porch smoking and I'll just vanish into thin air. I think things like that happen. I kinda hope I do. I wouldn't mind turning into wind and blowing away on the breeze. Ceasing to be who or what I was. No more pain. no more sadness....no more lonely nights. I probably won't though. Its just a feeling probably related to the fear that I will be forgotten before I'm gone. I isolation probably brought all that on. I don't really have any friends to go do anything with. The only person who seems to genuinely give a s**t and wants to hear what I have to say lives in portland. I have thought about moving there just so I could hang out with her. She's married so its nothing romantic just one of those friends that never let you down are always there for you and truly loves and cares for me just as I do her. Shes been through some of the same stuff I have but shes all married and happy now. I miss her though. thinking of going to see her though if her husbands ok with it. He has nothing to worry about me. I am no home wrecker and I would never do something to screw up something that I know makes her so happy. Besides she would never cheat on him. I don't even give a f**k about sex anymore. I mean I still want to have it like all the time all day every day until i collapse but I pretty much gave up on having it anytime soon. It's been either 2 or 3 and a half years. I think its three. I got no game since I quit drinking. Maybe this is karma paying me back for all my drunken f*****g years back. But anyway I hope I get to go see her. We talked about going to see the redwoods. It would be cool if that really happened I have wanted to go there since I saw a picture of it when I was a kid. That would be a nice break from the hell I am in.

I saw four deer out on the hill across the street. They were so beautiful. They seem to show up whenever I am having a hard time and I would say this qualifies and there they were. I don't see how anyone could kill one. They are so majestic an, gentle and graceful. I've always thought they were my spirit animal because they always show up and remind me of the beauty in the world that I forget is there. Better enjoy it while it lasts. They are destroying all their habitats around here which are small anyway but they cut down all these massive old trees at this park near the main road near my house and they shredded them in this giant wood chipper and they put a swer though the creek and destroyed it all. So they could widen some stupid f*****g road they destroy a small speck of beauty left in an ugly city of concrete and s****y ugly buildings.So the animals that lived there are fucked, my bit of beauty is gone and they just pave it over without a second thought. All we do is destroy the things that matter. Pretty soon the whole world is going to be torn up and paved over and we will all suffocate because we forgot that oxygen comes from trees and we cut them all down to widen the road across the entire f*****g planet and put up another Applebees and McDonalds on every corner. Sorry f**k you nature we need another f*****g taco bell here. Then later they tear it all up and put a bunch of new s**t where the old s**t used to be. Chasing their f*****g tails wasting money and destroying anything in their path. It broke my heart seeing those trees ripped out of the ground by their roots and destroyed like that. I feel a deep connection with trees and to see them butchered like that hurt to watch.

At least I have pretty much stopped watching TV so I have no idea what's going on in the world for the most part. Probably a bunch of outrageous unbelievably horrible s**t. Probably still people losing their houses one after the other. Probably a bunch of crooked politicians getting rich off the backs of the poor. Probably a lot of social programs being cut to funnel more money to the people who are already rich. Probably people arguing about gun control. Probably war. Probably rape and murder. Probably a horrible economy probably banks getting richer probably an inept government being bought and sold like a hooker downtown. Probably a lot of hookers down town, probably scandal, probably liars, probably crazy right wing Christians, probably a bunch of pussyfied democrats who lost their balls, probably a world that makes me very sad and I'd just shut the TV off go have a smoke and a toke and listen to some good music because you know what amidst all the s**t, all the stress and sadness you know what I got a bag of weed and a little bit of hope and sometimes that's enough. Sometimes that's enough....