Dreary Day and the Thousand Mile Stare

 

It was a dreary day,

I hadn't got much sleep. I stayed up until two in the morning and gotten up at five thirty AM,

I sat out on the front porch slowly rocking back and forth,

My eyes burned from lack of sleep,

They also looked dead from all the dope the doctors put me on,

So I sat there rocking; Back and forth........back and forth,

As the Oxycotin Oxycodone cocktail takes hold and I feel it coursing though my veins,

Giving me the thousand mile stare and no motivation to move,

Stuck in this dreary day staring off into the rain doped out of my mind until the end of time.

I'll just sit here.

I don't much feel like moving.

Perhaps I'll never move again.....

 

You can't get away with outrageous behavior.

Just deciding to sit in a rocking chair forever, who does that?

A mad man that's who! A dangerous person who's obviously unstable!

A criminal. Well sir if that's how you are going to live your life.....that of a common street thug whacked out god knows what for god knows how long. For all I know that's exactly whats going on here. You are not safe to be around  the rest of society. It would be irresponsible to let you walk amongst the good people of our community. We're locking ya up Ryan you've gone to far with your sitting and deciding not to move assault on the staff and all that is good about humanity as a whole. No you've gone and done it. You are a sick sick man and you need help. You will be placed somewhere you can get that help. For the safety of others and yourself. Now I am going to give you a shot something to help you relax? Whats that you are already relaxed? No no I assure you...You're quite upset. Just because you don't have any symptoms doesn't mean you aren't having a complete mental break down. A psychotic break. I assure you have gone quite mad. You've permanently become a complete and total lunatic of the sitting and not moving stage....

 

I imagine my psychiatrist saying all this, all serious and dramatic,

The room slowly filling with men dressed in white preparing to take me down

Take down the mad man.

The whole idea was ridiculous and made me laugh. At least my imagination still works through all the pills,

They make everything foggy, mess up my sleep, and drain my energy,

Thats why I am laid out in this rocking chair,

Head humming from the medication kicks in, before the fog sets in for the day,

This dreary day. Rain falls steady and the wind occasionally blows a mist of rain in my face,

I feel like a melting candle, collecting in a puddle at my feet,

I don't want to be a puddle. Especially of dried wax.

Someone would see the wax that was now a solid again but certainly not a candle,

Now its a mess to be cleaned because they wouldn't know it was me,

They'd get a butter knife, a broom, a dustpan, and a small plastic bag and do the deed.

That would be how my story would end. But if you are dried wax on the floor....

You have probably come to terms with death,

You're probably ready for the end.

I wondered how many people died today on this dreary day,

Probably more that I'd guess. I would hate for this to be my last day,

Sitting on the front porch alone and doped out of my mind, high as a kite, by taking the recommended doses, less even.

Three sheets to the wind, tore up from the floor up, ripped, wasted, destroyed, gone, stoned

A thousand phrases for a thousand highs but this was mine,

It wore me down over the day, I slept alot, felt anti social from everyone, even my family,

I just felt like s**t on top of being out of it and just didn't have much to say,

I love them. i am just out of steam and sometimes making conversation is exahusting especially when you are trying not to sound depressed.

When you are....very much so.

I just don't have the energy to put on my costume with the smile and the entertaining personality,

It's hot and its heavy. I just don't have the strength to lug it around these days,

No these days I just hang out in the rocking chair.....Even on dreary days.....especially on dreary days,

Even a dope fiend enjoys a good rain storm.

Patient or a junkie its all a matter of who takes your money,

I heard that once somewhere and thought it was funny.

The worst part is I need these medications at such high doses,

If I fall behind on taking them my stomach is sure to remind me with awful plan,

I am tired of being in pain so I take the dope. Even if it messes me up more than a little bit,

And so back and forth.....back and forth in my rocking chair thinking life isn't as bad as it seems,

Every rain storm feeds the earth so every storm inside me feeds the soul,

But those thoughts are too deep so I think about the rain,

I think what a dreary day it is as I watch the rain come down,

With dead eyes and a thousand mile stare,

But a peaceful state of mind and the beginnings of what may become hope

Even the day seems a lot less dreary and just more of a rainy day,

In fact I think I even see the sun shining through all the rain up above,

After all I see the world different than anyone else,

I can see for a thousand miles....