Morning Star

There is a Morning Star somewhere out in New Mexico
The words are all smashed together and her real name is Rachel Morningstar,
When I knew her she was Cordell,
But she is married now and I remember thinking what an perfect name it was for her,
Morningstar.....A Morning Star....perhaps at times a Mourning Star,
I would imagine even stars have times of great sadness,
And they probably feel like they don't shine as bright,
But the right person can see the burning as hot a fiery as ever,
And she is a star...I've seen what lives in her eyes, what burns inside her,
A rare creature even amongst the stars,
When the rest shine all night high in the sky for all to see,
She only comes out at morning for a short time before the sun washes her out,
But the right person in the right place at the right time can see her burning,
Unlike any other star in the sky,
She hangs low and her light seems to dance rather than twinkle,
Her light is music that you hear with your eyes,
Though so far away you can still feel her warmth,
She is a Morning Star,
I have never spoken of any of this to her though. Not a word.

I knew her before her metamorphosis, back as a Cordell,
Back when we were teenagers, years ago.
Her house the the pot smokers mecca,
Good people, good times, good music, and safety,
Safety from the ever present eyes of the oppressive area police,
Here you didn't have to worry about them,
Unlike those other poor b******s,
The ones who had to do it out in the open if they wanted to get high at lunch,
Safety and acceptance,
I remember the first day I was allowed to stay,
The girl I was with didn't make the cut and was pissed I didn't leave too,
It was survival of the fittest. I wasn't about to bail on a good thing,
No if you don't make it you shouldn't expect the rest of the herd to lay and die with you,
She stormed off and I went inside and up those steep stairs to her room for the first time,
I saw her sitting there telling some kind of story sitting in a chair,
She had the attention of the room. People were sitting everywhere,
Most of them on the floor, some lucky enough to have something to sit on,
She reminded me of a Queen and her subjects, her kingdom this house,
Her throne where ever she sat. One thing was clear this girl would not be sitting on the floor,
Queen's don't do that,
I never spoke of any of this to her though. Not a word.

I remember being taken aback by her beauty,
She was short and thin with short curly hair,
She was kind of tiny really. I'd always liked small women.
They make me feel tall.
She had light tan skin, pretty brown eyes, and a mole just above her right eyebrow that I always loved,
She was wearing a light blue shirt and blue jeans,
Such a beautiful face too. Every contour every feature just as it should be,
Yes this Rachel Cordell girl was certainly beautiful enough to be a queen,
I never spoke of any of this to her her though. Not a word.

I sat on the floor up against the wall and didn't say much,
As was my way around people I didn't know back then,
As is my way around people I don't know now.
I am no social butterfly,
But I was happy to be there.
Happy to be invited into the circle,
And I did make conversation here and there,
I went there every day and usually sat in the same place,
We'd all smoke and I'd talk more and more each time I went,
I was even becoming friends with the Queen herself,
She was a tough and at times even sounded bitter,
But she wasn't she was sweet and had a good heart,
I think she'd just been hurt,
I really liked her best of any of my new friends,
Not just because I thought she was beautiful,
I liked who she was. I enjoyed her company,
I felt like I could never get enough of it.
I never spoke of any of this to her though. Not a word.

Time went on an eventually I spent most of my time at that house,
I probably went up and down those stairs a million time,
Hanging out in that room with her and whoever else,
They mattered less and less
Almost always listening to Cake or Sublime,
Became my Nirvana,
My escape from a world I felt I had no place in,
But if I climbed those stairs, opened that creaky old white door,
Sat next to her and smoked a bowl and talked about whatever came to mind,
I felt like I was where I was supposed to be,
I was where I wanted to be, where I needed to be,
Safe, comfortable, at peace......with her.
I never spoke of any of this to her. Not a word.
 
I remember the days went on and I often wondered how long it could last,
At that young age I already knew that times of happiness never last.
By this point I was in love with her.
The 17 year old boy version of love anyway, perhaps not really love,
It sure felt like love at the time though,
Warm and fuzzy and in a good mood just when she's around,
She was around all the time too,
If I wasn't at home I was at Rachel's house.
Her voice soothed me, the sight of her moved me,
Her company held my attention like no other,
Her laugh usually caused me to laugh too or smile at the very least,
There was a world outside, I could see it through the window,
But I never much cared for it out there. I liked it with her.
I never spoke of any of this to her though. Not a word.

Sometimes I'd fall asleep and awake to darkness.
I remember one evening in particular,
We had smoked a lot and passed out one grey gloomy fall afternoon,
When I awoke the sun was down and the room was dark,
I could see the rain drops on the window,
The orange streetlights shining through....the only light in the room,
She was still sleeping and snored, but a ladylike snore,
The music we were listening to was off now and the room was quiet,
I smoked a cigarette listening to the sound of car tires cut through the water on the wet street,
As I sat there smoking I watched her lying there asleep,
She looked sweet and delicate,
Curled up there like a bloom on a flower that has closed for the night,
I watched her feeling a sensation of awe,
Warm and fuzzy, relaxed, and at peace simply because she was near,
I wanted to wake her up and tell her everything,
Everything I saw when I looked at her,
Everything I felt when I was with her,
Read her all the poems I had written about her,
Poems that only I had read,
And then kiss her deeply, passionately,
As I had ached to do so long,
Or maybe wake her and just skip straight to the kiss saying nothing
I never spoke of any of this to her though. Not a word.

I remember the day I got in trouble I got the call in her room,
I knew I was in deep,
I had been pushing my luck way to far.
But I took it like a man. I kept my composure.
I stood up and told her goodbye,
Unsure what was about to happen,
When or if I would see her again.
I wanted to kiss her goodbye.....this could be my last chance,
But I didn't. I just looked her in the eyes,
This time a little deeper, a little longer than usual,
Trying to burn them in my memory forever,
I guess it worked. I can remember that moment today.
I walked down those stairs and headed out the door,
To go pay for my hedonism, my over indulgence,
For taking to many pennies and never leaving one,
I knew that everything was about to change after this day,
That question as to how long it could last had been answered,
My immediate future was going to be very unpleasant,
But I did it to myself. I earned the coming consequences,
There was a bomb that was about to drop on my head,
Bought and paid for by me,
I was ready though.
Ready to let go of everything,
The drugs, my lifestyle, everyone I knew including my two "best" friends,
I didn't care if I saw another soul I knew ever again,
They were stupid, phonies, opportunists, users, abusers,
Vegetables with a mouth spreading stupidity like a virus,
Always talking, never saying anything, never taking a hint,
I just wanted to be left alone by most of them,
I was ready for change, they could all go to hell,
Everyone except for her. They could take everything from me,
Just not her.
Please anything but her.
I love her.
I never spoke of any of this to her though. Not a word.

I got shipped off to a place I didn't want to be for what I did,
The world I'd left behind not a single friend called me,
Not even the two I called my best friends,
Rachel did though,
Almost every day.
It didn't matter what we talked about.
She could have been reading the phone book to me,
To hear her voice again, to hear her laugh again,
Filled the growing void inside me,
Gave me a sense of direction in a world I felt more lost in by the day,
Her calls were everything to me. All that mattered,
All I needed or wanted.
Those calls got me through a really bad time,
She made me feel like I wasn't so alone,
When I got out I moved into a friends basement,
I was dank, dark and lonely down there,
I slept on a couch but I could barely sleep,
Instead she kept calling and kept me company yet again,
We talked about everything. Deep personal things,
We showed each other our souls,
It was magical and intimate,
When I felt dead inside she put life in my heart,
She was my closest dearest friend,
She knew me like nobody else had,
And I knew her,
She understood me, she understood who I really was,
And I understood her, I understood who she really was,
A girl like no other in the world, an oasis in a world of desert,
I never spoke of any of this to her though. Not a word.

More time passed as time has a tendency to do,
She and I drifted apart like we had always been destined to do,
I'd known that would be our fate since the first time we spoke,
Fate and I usually disagree on how life should go,
But I know enough to know you can disagree with fate,
But you can never fight it, never change it.
I saw it happening. I even felt it,
The calls decreased on both ends, we got together even less,
When I did see her it was all different, everything had changed,
I still loved her and I think she still cared for me,
But conversation was awkward and strained,
It was time for us to part ways,
Though I knew the day would come,
And I knew enough not to fight it,
I still wasn't ready and it still broke my heart,
But I let go, Let life happen.
The last time I saw her I was married and it was not going well,
I was miserable and my wife treated me horrible,
I couldn't even tell my wife I'd stopped by and seen her.
I had to keep it a secret to avoid a blow up,
Life was awful,
I hadn't seen her in so long the last thing I wanted was to be depressing,
Or b***h and moan about how awful everything was,
She looked as beautiful as ever,
The moment I saw her everything I'd ever felt came back,
Like a rush through my whole body,
Sitting next to her again after so long.
I painted on a happy face, I was happy,
Happy to see her, but I wanted to hide my pain,
Keep it from spilling out onto her,
Keep it my miserable secret.
She instantly knew though and asked "Are you ok? Are you happy?"
No Rachel life is horrible. Every day is a waking nightmare,
I thought I'd found some happiness but it was misery in disguise,
I feel more for you than I do for her,
Say the word and we can run away together,
Go be bums on the most beautiful beach we can find,
Run away together and live in paradise
With the woman I have always considered the embodiment of paradise,
I don't remember what I actually said though,
I don't even remember if I told her the truth or made something up,
I do remember our time was up in what seemed like a blurred instant,
And I didn't know this at the time, that was the last time I'd see her,
If I had known that I would have been walking out with tears on my face,
But it was. I never saw her again. I returned to my horrible life,
With her still in my heart and mind an oasis in my desert.
I never spoke of any of this to her though. Not a word.

Now ten years have passed since those days,
Life has taken us both down very different paths,
But it seems you never really were completely gone,
Though the things I used to feel are not the same,
She's a friend I don't talk to much but will always care for deeply,
But no matter how far apart we drift or how life changes us,
I will always have the memories I never spoke of until today,
The birthday of a Morning Star
Hanging in the sky easy to spot because shes the only one of her kind,
Rachel Cordell now Rachel Morningstar very different but still the same
Still that sweet perfect face light tan skin and short curly hair with brown eyes,
That mole above her right eye that I always liked is right where it always was,
I wish I could travel to new mexico
I wish I could see my friend the Morning Star burning bright,
Lighting up the life of any she enters,
Just like she always did.
Bringing warmth into the hearts of others like the Sun heats Earth,,
A Morning Star a sight only some know enough to truly appreciate,
But though I can't see her with my eyes,
I can't give her a hug and say "Long time no see"
I can see her in my memories,
I can close my eyes and hear the music of her voice and laugh,
Feel what it was like to be truly known by someone,
And to truly know them,
I can see her burning brighter than anything else in the sky,
Burning in my mind still as she turns another year older,
I have no gift to give her,
Other than to speak the words I never spoke before,
To finally let them leave my lips,
And fall upon the heart of the morning star.