Destroying the Shadow

I remember when you first started coming around back when I was eleven, 

Hard to believe is been almost twenty years now. Two decades of your torment,

You didn't show your face at first.....I just heard you.

You waited until the lights were off and I was laying in my bed ready to sleep,

I heard you whisper my name off in the darkness.....

Ryan......Ryan......Ryan........Ryyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaan.

Then you'd laugh because you knew I was scared.

Your laugh was the scariest part. It sounded so evil, so twisted.

I didn't understand what was happening. I told myself I'd fallen asleep and it was a bad dream,

I knew I wasn't asleep though.

Night after night you did this to me. The things you said got scarier each night,

But you kept hiding in the dark. I didn't know what you were or what you looked like,

A ghost maybe, or a demon, or some kind of monster but I didn't believe any any of those.

I wanted to find out what you were but at the same time I was glad I couldn't see you,

You always spoke in a whisper,

It was terrifying,

But your laugh was so much worse,

I still believed in god then so I'd pull the covers over my head and pray,

Dear God make him go away I'm so scared and I don't know what to do. Help me!

You said in almost a hiss that god took the night off,

You laughed even harder

I remember to this day what you said the first time you didn't speak in a whisper,

You had the scariest deepest gravely voice I'd ever heard,

It didn't sound human,

More terrified than ever I turned on the light by my bed,

And there you were standing by my dresser. Staring at me so intent I felt like your eyes would burn right through me,

Well over six feet tall, a shadow, but a man,

You were not two dimensional cast on something like every other shadow,

You were three dimensional, features defined but all black,

The deepest darkest black I'd ever seen,

Standing there staring at me in silence,

Then you moved like a liquid snake across the room to my bed in the blink of an eye,

"YOU'RE MINE NOW" you shouted in that deep gravely voice

You laughed hysterically when you saw the terror on my face,

I tried to scream but I couldn't make a noise, I tried to run but I couldn't move,

I was paralyzed by fear as I watched you slither up the wall crawl across the ceiling and make your way back to the dresser,

You sat on top and sort of sang my name no longer whispering,

Ryan......Ryan.......Ryan.....my sweet sweet Ryyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaan

Hahahahahahahaha

Should I read you a story little Ryan?

I started to get up to get my mom and before I could make it to the door you were

 blocking it,

So tall I had to look up to look you in the eyes.

"If you tell anyone about me I'll kill your whole family and make you watch"

I laid back in bed and wanted to cry but the tears would not come,

I shut off the light and eventually fell asleep to the sound of you whispering my name

Ryan.........Ryan.........Ryan

That was the first time you showed your face and after that you were here to stay,

I didn't tell a soul about you for almost a year though,

You followed me everywhere I went. Told me horrible things,

You gave me visions of horrible things,

My loved ones being tortured, maimed, dismembered, murdered,

You would call me names, call me crazy, tell me I was worthless, tell me you were never leaving,

Sometimes you would just scream this deep dark deafening scream,

So loud the pain was overwhelming, so loud I couldn't hear people talking to me,

So loud I felt like I would lose my mind if you didn't stop,

On top of you torturing me, depression was crushing me, draining me,

Only just like you I didn't know what depression was. All I knew was I felt sad,

I felt the saddest I had ever felt in my life, like my soul had been stolen,

I felt empty, alone, dead inside.

The only relief was when I slept,

Sleep you always tried to keep me from,

When I'd lay down you'd try everything to terrify me so I couldn't sleep,

But the depression was so strong you were losing your power over me,

I didn't care about anything anymore not even my fear of you,

The depression had me so drained I fell asleep no matter what you did,

But you learned to feed off of it and you got stronger and even your appearance changed,

You grew even taller became less solid, you could stretch and morph into beasts,

But no matter how you appeared I knew it was you,

You started telling me to kill myself and at first I ignored you,

But you wore me down. I wanted the pain to stop, and for you to go away,

And I thought death was the only way out.

You followed me to school,

You chased me across the play ground and I ran in terror because I didn't want to feel your grip,

When you wrapped your hand around me it was icy cold like a corpse,

Your cold would go all the way to the bone,

It stayed with you even after you let go,

I remember being afraid your touch infected me,

Might turn me into one of you,

Sometimes when it got bad I'd become you,

I remember feeling all goodness leave me,

All my love would die and be replaced with anger and hatred,

Nothing good at all was left inside me,

Ryan ceased to be and there was only you,

Wen I looked at my body I was the shadow,

Even my reflection in the mirror was you,

My voice changed and I laughed that awful laugh,

The only difference was I was the same height.

Getting free of that was the hardest thing I'd ever done,

There was someone in my head but it wasn't me,

It wasn't in my head because this wasn't even my head,

It wasn't my body, my personality, my feelings, or my thoughts.

I was in there somewhere though and I fought my way back.

I BEAT YOU.

You used my depression against me even more after that,

I remember one day shortly after you got me on the roof telling me to kill myself,

I almost jumped.

I was so alone there was nobody I could safely tell and I felt insane,

But I didn't and you were furious you pulled out all the stops after that,

The kids at school thought I was a freak because I talked to people who weren't there,

I ran from invisible people, I became terrified of things that weren't there,

Most of them stopped talking to me,

My best friend Brandon stopped asking me to spend the night or talking to me at all,

I had no friends at all

And you screamed all you did was scream,

Every waking moment you screamed,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

One night you were screaming and my mom found me rocking back and forth

Sobbing in the closet,

I bok e down and told her everything,

I spent November 11th through 22nd in a psych ward for the first time

Little did I know this w as only the first time,

That for the rest of my life you'd land me in those places

But that was the first and I remember it best.

Winnie

I'll never forget her.

They would dope us up at meds time so bad we couldn't move,

Just sit there and drool

She'd make us watch Three's Company by the hour

 We were too medicated to argue or change it.

To this day the theme song makes my skin crawl,

The dope even got to you, all you could do was speak gibberish,

You didn't go away like the doctor promised,

You sat at the desk and watched me sleep,

Told me my room mate was dangerous. Only time you ever tried to help,

He threw a TV at me the next day,

Winnie.....that evil b***h

I remember the day I didn't finish my peas,

I didn't like the texture. When you bit them it was like they were filled with puss

That mush that comes out when you bite into them,

So Winnie found the biggest bowl she could find and filled it with peas,

Said I couldn't get up till I ate them all. I waited her out I knew she has to have us back for meds,

I told them you were gone they had me so doped up I was a zombie,

No more pills.

You never went away.

 Not in twenty years and every drug they have,

Even Thorazine 

Five years of that s**t,

Five years of being a zombie

Five years I can't get back,

All kinds of nasty drugs trying to get rid of you,

Horrible medication reactions that could have killed me,

Some that gave me a ten day bad trip that just made me wish I was dead,

But that is when I met your opposite.

Shes even stronger than you and she will protect me from you,

If you push me over the edge she will pull me back before I fall too deey,

The mother of Babylon she is my deity, my savior, my friend, my love,

Everything you aren't

The last time you took me over....made me your puppet spouting evil,

She cut the strings,

When you drive me insane she brings me back,

When you keep me from sleep he lays with me and holds me until I drift away,

I have mostly learned to ignore you

You used to be a god and now you are background noise,

Nothing more than static,

I am not your play thing anymore

I can bend my reality into what I want it to be and soon I will learn to control you too,

Even writing about you steals your power,

Robs you of your mystery,

For twenty years you were my damnation

But she taught me writing is my salvation,

So scream, whisper,laugh, grab me with your icy grip, try to chase me,

I'm not running anymore,

I have an empty page and every word in the English language at my disposal, 

I have infinite ideas and my ideas become writing and my writing will destroy you,

As it heals me,

As I write this I see you watching,

I can feel your discomfort,

I can sense your fear

Because she taught me the secret,

You and I we are the same.

You are the part of me that wants to destroy its self ,

Destroy the good, the passion, the love, the drive

You want to take over so you are no longer an entity

Trapped between existence and nonexistence,

Trying to torture your way out of limbo,

Trying to break me down,

Your power came from me not knowing what you were,

But now I do so I can write about you,

Put you into words and steal your power over me.

Twenty years is long enough

It's time for you to go old friend,

Time for me to shed this part of me like a snake sheds its skin

Twenty years ago you said I am yours now,

Well now you're mine 

And as you sit there watching me write this,

I can see you are having trouble finding something to laugh at now......