The End

I remember the end like it was yesterday,

When the final pieces broke loose and came tumbling down,

When the moon crashed into the earth,

When devastation ripped through the world I had come to know,

Like an unstoppable wave ripping through everything I held dear,

When you saw me in tears and looked at me with indifference,

Turned and walked away,

The sun was shining bright that day, not a cloud in sight,

I remember watching your plane fly off into that bright blue sky,

I watched until it disappeared from sight, wishing I could slow down time,

Keep you there so you weren't really gone, so that I didn't really lose my wife,

So you didn't really leave me, leave our son,

What was a life without you? Who was I without you?

How could the end have come so quickly?

After all I had forgiven you for.....after all the infidelity I didn't hold against you?

Or at least I tried not to. If I brought it up it was because the pain was still there,

The knife of your betrayals were still deep in my back,

Their blades down to my bone.

I tried to pull them out but they were in too deep,

When that didn't work I tried to pretend they weren't really there,

But the blood....my blood pouring from the wound was a constant reminder,

It pooled at my feet and filled up my mouth until I was about to drown,

Speaking of it was the only way I could breathe again,

The only way to relieve the pain in my heart.....my very soul,

I'd never been hurt like that, never discovered a truth that felt like it destroyed me, 

The thought of you laying with another was like getting my heart ripped out,

Coming home from work and finding him in my home....in my bed

With my wife

Was a shotgun blast to the gut,

I had never felt such rage, such pain, such sadness, such betrayal,

After all I had done for you, everything I'd given you,

A home, food to eat, my heart, my soul, everything I had and all I could give,

The world was yours you need only ask and I would make it yours,

And now another man lived in the home I made for us,

And so Into the cold January air I walked away,

Leaving my home, my wife, and everything I owned behind,

Really if I stop and think about it that cold January day was the end

But sometimes even the end drags out longer than you'd like,

So long you don't even realize what it is,

The end should be quick and definite,

Like a movie the credits roll and the lights go up, you know its over,

You've reached the end.

For us this was not the case, when your new man left you and you called me sobbing,

Like a fool I came running, broke down the door and took the knife from your hand,

Helped you clean your self inflicted wounds and took you back without hesitation,

Inflicting wounds on myself without realizing what I was doing,

I thought I was trying to keep my family together,

But it had fallen apart long ago,

Our new born son didn't even live with us because our home was so chaotic,

There was an empty room for him with an empty crib and decorations on the wall,

Like any child's nursery,

Except there was no child,

I remember how the silence, the emptiness of that room broke my heart,

So I didn't go in there much and tried to keep the door closed,

I knew that stuff was only there so you could pretend you were a good mother,

But you didn't even come see him with me when I saw him at my parents,

An empty nursery was enough for you,

You lived in denial but so did I,

I thought I could save you. Bring you back. Make it work.

But you didn't want to be saved, you wanted to destroy what little chance we had left,

I thought I could change your mind, I thought I could get you to fall in love with me again,

Event after the infidelity, even after moving another man into my home, even after the fights,

The explosive volcanic fights, with words of venom and explosive tempers,

Rage would fill the room set the walls and our hearts on fire,

Burn away rational thought, leaving only scorched raw emotion,

But still that night you called I came running, always trying to save you from yourself,

When I should have been trying to save myself from you,

Because you were destroying me, bleeding me dry.

You were cutting yourself but plunging the knife into me every time you cut yourself,

Because I couldn't help you, I couldn't stop you, no matter how much I loved you,

Your finger didn't even wear a wedding band anymore,

It was at the bottom of the river where you thew it when you'd left me for one of your many lovers,

I still had mine but it seemed pointless to wear it anymore,

I remember the day you told me you were leaving,

I remember trying everything to get you to stay,

I remember how cold you were, how indifferent you were to my tears,

I remember you never shed even one,

You seem unaffected by the implosion of our marriage,

Ready to leave your son and husband, our little family behind without a second thought.

I didn't understand how you could be so heartless,

Or where the woman I used to laugh with and love so dearly had gone,

Replaced by this heartless woman almost evil,

Who seemed to delight in watching me suffer, which I did. More than I ever had,

Or even imagined that I could,

Because of you.

Because I couldn't give up, I couldn't walk away,

But now you were leaving and I couldn't change your mind,

My words had no effect on you, they fell on deaf ears,

Couldn't make it through the walls between us,

So on that sunny day without a cloud in sight,

I watched your plane get smaller and smaller until it disappeared into that bright blue sky,

It felt like part of me had been ripped away leaving a hole in my heart,

The sun was shining the weather was perfect it was a beautiful day,

But to me the color, the beauty, the magic of life had just died in my chest,

And under the warmth of the sun shine, tears streamed down my face,

But tears could not come close to expressing the devastation that I felt,

The world I knew was crashing down around me,

This was the apocalypse for all I knew, all I loved, all I hoped my life would be,

An atom bomb had been dropped in the middle of my world,

And the shock wave was ripping me and everything I knew apart,

Leaving only dust in its wake to be carried off by the wind,

As the wind carried off the last remnants of the life I had known,

I had no choice but to build a new one from the rubble of the last,

And now a decade later I can barely recall your face,

Or the pain you caused me all those years ago,

And there is no empty nursery, there is a room of a ten year old little boy,

Where he sleeps every night,

My life is not chaotic, no more than any other man's,

I have a family my son, my mom, my grandmother and I.

I have no wife no girlfriend or lover,

But I am not in pain, save for the occasional lonely night,

But the people in my life will never disappear on a plane,

They are here to stay no matter how hard life may get,

My wife is now my ex and I'd have it no other way,

And I can see the beauty of that sunny day with a cloudless blue sky,

As that airplane took that woman far away from me,

Bring an end to that life...Death

Bringing devastation, destruction ripping through all I'd come to know.

Watching death take hold of everything I had held dear,

Watching it gasp and take it's final breath and die,

As I drove home in silence,

And cleared away the rubble,

Laid the corpse to rest,

Walked away from the decaying remains of that life that had reached it's end.

So that I could start this one.....Rebirth

Reviews

[felioness]

Wow, Ryan...incredibly powerful. Almost painful to even read...but then...slowly...the reader feels a cooling breeze. The pain and anger, although present, are dissipating. Then comes the rebirth. Like the Phoenix you rose from the ashes. A little sadder, a little wiser but a hellava lot happier. I am so glad you did. Amazing write.