Remembering Peepaw

Remembering Peepaw

I miss you. I tried to lay down tonight and all I could think about the last time I saw you.

When I had to say goodbye,

I told you that you were the only real father I ever knew and you were so so sick,

But I knew you heard me because I saw that single tear run down your cheek,

Now you are gone and its me thats crying tonight....I can't stop

When you died it was like a black hole was thrown right into the center of my world,

My peepaw was gone and I will never see him again,

And it kills me

It rips me into pieces and scatters me across the world

I don't know what to do,

There is a void that is impossible to fill and I feel it in my chest,

I feel so hollow, so so very very sad.

I am so sorry I tried to take my life after you died,

It was not my time and it was cowardly and I know you were already gone,

But I can't help but feel that you were there watching over me and you are the reason I am alive tonight,

I think I even saw you sitting there in your long black pants, red checkered shirt and slicked back grey hair,

Despite my weakness I know its you who let me live to cry over you tonight,

I just didn't want to face a world without you,

I still can't sit in your chair in the kitchen or the living room,

And I hated that we had to sell your car and your trailer,

I guess I hoped maybe you might come back for them,

But you didn't show,

The last time I saw you alive will always haunt me

tied down like I have been when I fell off the edge,

You kept fighting the straps trying to free your hands,

I wanted to untie you, I really did.

I never said goodbye to you when we last spoke to you

Because I pray to see you again someday,

I remember so many things,

I remember you taking me for rides around the yard,

and sitting on your lap as you read us books and would change the words and make us laugh,

I remember fishing with you at the lake,

I remember our poker games,

I remember the few times I went to church it was to hear you preach,

And out of the hundreds of sermons yours were the only ones I ever listened to.

The day you died a thousand tears must have fallen all over the nation,

So many people whos lives you touched so much love in your heart,

And I can't help but think what a shame that heart doesn't beat anymore,

What a shame it is the Robert W Brizendine isn't alive anymore,

You were so full of life it was almost impossible to fathom that it would end.

I am so so sorry peepaw I wish I could of been more while you were here,

If I ever climb out of the hole I am falling down I'll wish you were there to see it...

Everythings falling apart sense you left peepaw. I hope its better where you are...

I keep getting sick and I am afraid that I too will die soon and I dont know what to do.

You were the strongest man I ever knew and  I saw how scared you were when you were dying

What chance do I have of maintaining any dignity in the face of death,

You dealt with your pain head on where as all I do is run from mine,

I have so many regrets now so many things I wish I could do over,

I screwed up so much and still you were proud of me and to this day I don't know why...

You always forgave me no matter how bad I messed up,

You never even brought it up again after I would apologize,

And when I said I was sorry I truly was, I never meant to hurt you or ging ging,

I never wanted to let you down,

But I did...a lot,

Maybe a few of these tears are for that too,

I remember on my High School graduation I was all cooked out and mostly ignored you,

You offered to go home and have a glass of Wild Turkey together,

But I wanted to go get wasted with my friends,

I'd give anything to have that drink with you now,

I remember what a scary driver you were always doing crazy maneuvers though traffic,

Honking at people who actually were obeying the traffic laws and how embarrassed I was,

Now I'd give anything for just one more crazy embarrassing car ride with you.

I stand by your grave site alot and talk to you.

It's strange to visit you where there is a mound of dirt, fake flowers and a headstone,

I hope you aren't there.

I don't think you are.

I hope what you used to preach about all came true when you passed.

The last time I saw you was when you were laying in your casket,

I could look at your face and instantly knew that wasn't you anymore,

But I wanted you to open your eyes and get out of that metal box,

But you didn't so I kissed your cold forehead and went outside to smoke and cry and just be alone,

I hope there is a god and a heaven like place like you used to tell me about,

Because if and when I get there,

I promise you we will have that glass of wild turkey