Unclear

I never write.. lets say when i wrote this, it was much needed.

He sees her so torn and confused,

Unknown, unclear; wanting to keep all the friendships fused.

So much pain is in her thoughts and head,

Probably fighting the tears when she goes to bed.

 

He thinks of her every day and night,

Hoping she falls asleep unknown of the pain in sight.

It hurts him so much to see her like this,

Falling asleep praying that her next day is full of bliss.

 

Wanting to make her life complete,

This stress is making them both beat.

She wants him to be happy and okay,

But he is not when she is this way.

 

Without her he will follow the wrong path,

Fully understanding God and her wrath.

All he wants is for her to be happy,

Even if it means he’s not.

Reviews

[jenxloves]

I really like this (;

[FairOphelia]

I think this is a good poem. I think it's got the potential to be even better though.

As Anatar said below, some of the lines could be divided up or even shortened a bit. Also, there are some words which don't seem to add much to the meaning, and I think the poem could be more effective without. Just as an example (you honestly don't need to do this if you don't want to):

He sees her [so] torn and confused,
Unknown, unclear; wanting to keep all [the] friendships fused.
[So much] pain is in her thoughts and head,
[Probably] fighting [the] tears when she goes to bed.

(I've put the bits in square brackets)

All in all, a good read :)

[deeps]

I think this is a wonderful write here. I really like this.

[Anatar]

Many of these lines could have, and a few should, be divided. Even so, it continues easily, unusual, and though the rhymes are simplistic, none seem forced. Very good in all.

[Inner Rain]

THIS IS SO SWEET!!! WONDERFUL!!! Good rythmn... Good ryhmme... (pardon my spelling) And SUCH a wonderful though! Good impact as well!!! Keep it up... :P