Dichotomia a Me

The dichotomy of me

I hate the hunger that gnaws at my heart, 

bound, 

compelled, 

driven. 

 

I have lost desire for everything else, 

I don’t want these feelings, 

these feelings that added magic to life, 

these feelings that brightened my day, 

these feelings that motivated me to be better, 

I don't want to feel anything. 

 

I don't want the anxiety of "What if's", 

I don't want the crushing that comes with passions weight, 

a flower crushed brings forth a sweet fragrance, 

I don't want that fragrance. 

 

I want a muted heart, 

I want to be uninspired, 

I want to be numb. 

 

The swinging of the pendulum is making my head spin, 

I am nauseous with it, 

constantly waiting for desire to be fulfilled, 

waiting to be with the one I love, 

waiting to see her face, 

waiting to hear her voice, 

waiting for the promised future, 

all this waiting wearies my bones. 

 

My soul is fatigued, 

my heart is sick, 

yet I cannot quite now, 

hope calls, 

hope compels, 

hope is just over the next mountain, 

surely, I am almost there, 

surely the waiting will pay off. 

 

Juxtaposed in heart are two extremes, 

battling for their version of reality, 

I am stuck in the middle, 

each makes a case for why they are right, 

each beckon me to follow. 

 

I am a wretched man, 

I am in love, 

I am in distress, 

I am lost, 

I am found, 

I am full, 

I am empty, 

I am all of these, 

and I am none....

Author's Note

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