King of the Trash Heap

a memoir of a piece of my past

 

   once, many many years ago now, i ran away.

  compared to the rest of the crap i was going through at the time, it was a stupid reason. something about a restraining order my mom put on my at the time boyfriend, and a consequential slap in the face. it was a disagreement, i remember. i can't remember what i said to earn the slap anymore, its been too long now, but i remember very vividly the slap itself.

   it stung. more so my pride than my face, but either way, pain is pain. it was hard not to let the tears slip out. my mother feeds on suffering, the last thing i could do was let her see me hurt.

  while i was busy trying not to cry, all i could think of was a way out.

  i walked out of the room, with her on heel, and grabbed my house key off the bookshelf near the door.

  it was winter, so even though it was just barely after dinner, it was pretty dark. i intended on going for a walk, or going to a friends house until things cooled off.

  when my mom saw me grab the housekey, however, she sneered at me "if you walk out that door, you can't take that key with you, cause you're not coming back."

  i stared at her in mild disbelief. she stared back, challenging, dead in the eyes.

  i saw the faintest lift in the corner of her mouth when she caught sight of the unshed tears shimmering in the corners of my eyes.

 when i saw that, my mind just broke.

  i gathered up what little courage i had left in me after years of this woman and her mind games, and said "ok.", handing her the housekey.

  her veneer cracked then, ever so slightly, i saw it. she did not ever expect me to throw myself to the wolves like that. she never expected me to have the nerve to walk out that door. and when i saw that crack, suddenly i did. i had more courage than ever before.

  i heard the lock click behind me as she shut the door.

 but for a moment, i was free.

  the night never looked so bright, the cold never felt so crisp. i never felt so alive.

 "IT ISN'T UNTIL YOU'VE LOST EVERYTHING, THAT YOU ARE FREE TO DO ANYTHING."

  but now, i had nothing. it was winter, it was night, and i had nowhere to sleep, nowhere to go. Well, maybe nowhere.

  i headed out to my friends house. lucky for me he had the nicest mom in the world. she let me stay at their house for the night.

  i guess my mom did end up going out to look for me.

  i felt really bad when she ended up talking to my friends mom. mostly because my mom should not have been angry with a woman who was kind enough to give me a place to sleep.

  my mom didn't go out looking for me because she cared about my safety. my mom went looking for me because me "running around" the neighborhood late at night made her look like a bad mother.

  late at night, back then, was anytime after 7 pm. mainly because my bedtime back then was 8 pm, 9pm on the weekends. i wasn't allowed to wear makeup, i'd never had a "real" birthday party, i wasn't supposed to shave my legs, or use the phone.

  the next day, i went to school, as usual. my mom, of course, was there waiting for me. we had to talk to the counseler, the principal. i don't know what school had to do with anything. but we talked anyways.

  not too long after that, my mother filed a child in need of services petition with the court. shortly after that, i dropped off the face of the planet.

  once long long ago now, i ran away. when i did, i realized i too, had power.

 power is something.

  which means, i am something. because nothing is powerless.

 the more i remember this, the more power i gain. the more i become something instead of.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

its been 12 years since that day. and i'm almost where i want to be. finally.

i'm king of the trash heap.