Don't Look Back

advice is a bedfellow to retrospect

 

for years now i thought i knew what i wanted from my life. through good and bad i always thought that there was a clear picture in my mind of exactly what i wanted.

years pass by so quickly now, and though i hadn't the time to stop and notice sooner, in the quiet little moments i have alone, its come to my attention that no longer am i so sure of what i thought i once knew.

the heart i hold isn't as strong as it used to be. sometimes it skips a beat, sometimes it races. it bleeds more easily and more unnoticably than ever before. it aches, it strains. it sings, it laughs. sometimes i could swear it even stops altogether. maybe, sometimes, for a moment or two, it does.

but one thing remains constant. it IS.

and though life can seem to much of a strain on its fragile preset timeline at times, i always wake up the next day, and its still THERE.

and under its cloak of jaded hatred and cautious paranoia, it still loves.

even when i don't want it to.

these things called emotions rue me to no end. these feelings of jealousy, spite, anger, hurt, and hatred, they rally the battlefield, at times with what seems to be automatic weaponry. they draw the line, and charge over it, mowing down anyone and anything in their path. they take no prisoners, they ignore all pleas. they leave the battlefield slick with the gore of all who cross their path.

i once thought that i had more love than anything else. i thopught i had an infinite supply of empathy, sympathy, concern and compassion. i truly believed that these good qualities would be enough to sustain me through whatever life could throw at me.

it pains me to realize how naive i once was.

it pains me more to see what life has done to something i thought so impenetrable.

it makes me realize that things change.

a lot.

i no longer am sure of what i want from life. the path i had once started down so confidently, has closed in around me. the thorns and poisonous leaves are trying to wring what is left that is good in me, out.

sometimes i can feel my heart collapsing upon itself, muscles squeezing and wringing, touching in ways they weren't meant to touch.

it scares the hell out of me, and i want to run back the way i came, to the safety of past glades.

but when all you are worried about is going forward, it's easy to forget all the thorns and carcasses you had to pass on your way through. its easy to remember the sunshine and flowers, and forget about the smell of rot, the decay.

in this world, there is nothing to do buit push forward. for some, it comes easy. but for the lonely, the weak, the scared, all of those looking for the way back to the sunny clearings, night falls fast. tensions run high.

and i'm still not sure that we'll make it out of life alive.

but now i know one thing.

the best way to get back, is to move forwards. and hope you don't lose yourself along the way.

in this world, expect nothing, and you will always be pleasantly surprised.

or, at the very least, surprised.

and never look behind you. ever. lest you turn proverbial cities into salt pillars, or allow the monster in the shadows the opportunity to devour you whole.

and speaking from the belly of the beast, i'm fairly certain on the last one.