We Are All Our Own Keepers

of going nowhere

 

there is an invisible wall in front of me that i may never surmount.

often, i forget it even exists, and am reminded only by the force of the impact when it and i collide.

i hate this wall. it taunts me with its tangible intangibility. it's resistance facinates me. it's strength infuriates me. it's purpose saddens me.

just on the other side of this invisible wall, is a greener pasture. the other side of that, would appear to be everything i've ever wanted, shining and brand new, just waiting for me.

it's the excitement of whats over the next hill, that keeps me forgetting.

time and time again, i have smashed myself against this wall. bruises and contusions arising, that i hardly even notice anymore. sometimes in frustration, i bash my head against it on purpose. hoping sheer willpower may be enough to send it crumbling away.

but still it stands. known but unknown.

the path i pace in this life, leads directly to this wall, as if some cosmic hand has deemed this my fate.

there are no doors, for i have checked. there are no windows either. no chinks in the masonry, no loose bricks that i can feel. and so i am left wondering what the purpose is, and why am i led here, only to pace the path seeking some relief from this obstacle.

 

it is maddening how close i seem to be to every thing i think i've ever wanted.

i fear i will spend my life in this spot, tantalizingly close to it all, but sickeningly far away.

the years will pass in a flash of sunrises and nightfalls, and all the youth and vitality will drain from me perceptably as the years fly like seconds.

i can see me standing, still, at that wall. feeble, ancient hands scrabbling at brickwork still strong as the day it was built. face worn deep by years of frustration and despondance, hair not more than wisps of thread like old spider webs. silent sobs wracking my body, as i stare wistfully toward the other side, where still, everything i think i wanted, shines like new, like gold. and there, i will crumple, shudder, and be still. never having once touched what lay on the otherside.

i tried to find a way through the wall to no avail. i tried to find a way over the wall, with no success. i tried to pull down the wall, without result. i tried to break down the wall, at the cost of injured flesh.

nothing worked, though i died trying. admirable folly, still.

i passed without even once considering,

going around it, 'stead of straight through.

 

and sadder still,

i'm the fool who's building it.

right between me and and you.

and now i wonder, can you see it, or are you blind to it too?

or maybe you've been helping me build it all along.