Tattoos, Scars, and Boomerangs

I'm so scared. I'm so scared of losing you.

Ten months ago, I was innocent. The world around me was merely a game, as if all we had to do to succeed was do our best, and if we failed, all we had to do was start over. Ten months ago, I told myself I could do anything I set my mind to, and that all that mattered in life was to be happy. Ten months ago, I fell to my knees, through the Earth's crust, into the core, and out the other end, spit out into the vast, magnificent, and ever-changing love I felt for you. 

Throughout the eight months that followed, we built our love. The image of our extremely awkward first kiss that we couldn't seem to take the plunge into, in fear of messing something up, is still burned into my brain. Replays of our lonely summer video chats, separated by oceans, and the nights I'd cry myself to sleep, still make their way into my dreams. The feel of the first time your bare skin pressed against mine still dances on my fingertips. 

Our long talks of silence in the darkness, our jealous spats, our fun days out with fried chicken and chocolate, our car rides together that always seemed to be too short. 

Then, two months ago, everything stopped. You virtually disappeared from my life. Not long after though, you appeared once again, but you were not within my reach. Thousands of miles separated us, and the days stretched on as my chest filled with more and more agony, pain, and longing. 

Loneliness is truly a frightening and tragic emotion. 

Days went on forever, and every corner I turned I hoped to see you. But of course, you were nowhere to be found. Even though I could hear your voice, and see your face, I could no longer hold you in my arms. Everyday our hearts filled with bitterness. Why did we have to feel this way? Feel this sadness? We felt it would have been better, had we never started in the first place. 

Right away, thoughts such as those were regretted, and we made up after our petty fights. Every night we'd long for each other, and long for the day that we would once again embrace each other. That day, took months to come.

I miss you. 

Are you eating well?

Are you safe?

Are you happy? Please be happy.

Finally, the day we had hoped for arrived, and you revealed everything. 

You came back to me. 

I've missed you.

You apologized over and over. You said everything's alright now. So why, tell me why, does everything feel so wrong?

I'm sorry you had to go through all that, and that I couldn't be there to help you. I'm sorry you had to buy me gifts, and I'm sorry I racked up your phone bill. I'm sorry for being so selfish. I'm sorry that I was the reason you came back, even though the rest of your family didn't want to. I'm sorry that because of that, your life now will be very hard. I'm sorry that I don't like that you're moving further away from me, even though it's still only an hour by car, as opposed to my short walk down the street before. I'm sorry that there's a possibility that we'll be separated in the future, but, I can tell you one thing: I'll never be sorry for loving you. 

You say untrue things, such as that you've been a bad partner, that you've done some things to hurt me, and that you keep trying to tell me that I'm not at fault for this, and that I shouldn't apologize for any of this, but you still love me as well. 

But, if all I do is hold you back, and hurt you financially, wouldn't it be better to make you hate me? I could lie, and cheat, and tell you I don't even love you anymore, but I don't want to. I'm terrified of losing you. We've now both tasted the painfully intense loneliness once, please don't let us eat meals of it. I don't want you to leave me, please don't leave me. You came back, and you're here now, but I don't want to let you go again, because maybe this time, you won't come flying back to me, even though you might want to with all your heart.

I'm so scared.