LOCKED IN

LOCKED IN

When you up and coming in the industry, you gotta have a chip on yo’ shoulder. Nah, more like you gotta have a whole bag of Lay’s smothering your scapula " Salt & Vinegar flavor so you can feel yo’ wounds sting like a swarm of wasps. And it ain’t no easy thing making a name when you roll around without being able to say a word and are barely hanging on to life. You think I’m kidding? Only role models I got are Stephen Hawking and T-Pain. What kinda combination is that?

People look at me and look away. They hear my voice, which ain’t even my voice, and scrunch they face like they just rammed a lemon into they mouth. Well I hope they enamel rot and they teeth turn as ugly yellow as that goddamn lemon they taste when they see me. They claim it’s shock, followed by sympathy, sadness to boot. Yeah, well what does sympathy mean when it’s fueled by an internal sense of superiority? They LOVED Christopher Reeve, because he fed into they darkest human desires. He flew, he dominated, and then he fell. All of a sudden, everyone was ABOVE Christopher Reeve, and that made them feel damn good.

Reeve was Super, and he couldn’t be stopped

Treated villains like bubbly; bottled and popped

But when he fell from his chariot, reduced to a smile

He learned a harsh truth; not just villains are vile

Fortunately for me, I didn’t have to learn no hard way or fall from grace. All I ever known was how heartless people really are. It’s easiest for them to just forget about people like me, write ‘em off like they ain’t even here. But I am here, despite what the odds were. And I ain’t going away before I let ‘em know what’s up.

My name is Liam John Lee, and I am 17 years old. That’s a miracle in itself, according to doctors, because I was supposed to die a long time ago. I was born with Locked-in syndrome " yes, that’s a real disease. S**t, if I had a nickel for every time someone thought that was a joke, I could probably get an entire burrito bowl at Chipotle - WITH guac. Yeah, I got jokes, does that surprise you? Are you shocked that a quadriplegic has a sense or humor? Most people ain’t expecting that from me, but for all the s**t I go through, I consider myself an optimist. I mean really, what’s the point of being pessimistic when you can’t move, gotta use a robot-voiced speech synthesizer to talk, have a miniscule life expectancy, and get treated like some circus freak every single day " it’s not like things can get any worse, so might as well hope for the best!

Might talk like a Droid, but I stay fighting like Floyd

Undefeated forever, all opponents destroyed

Overlooked and forgotten, but I just keep on plottin’

The graph of Liam. My name’s rising fast in that Number 1 quadrant

Lots of people won’t consider rapping because they scared no one’ll take ‘em seriously. I guess it’s a silver lining that I ain’t never had to worry ‘bout that. All I ever wanted was for the world to hear me, so I had no hesitation ‘bout making music once I got my speech synthesizer. It took 11 years for my folks to save the money for it, having to always pay off my medical bills while also caring for my twin bro Luke. Real talk, I might be the one with the disease, but this s**t is tough for everyone " especially Luke, his life is a f*****g paradox. Try being known your whole life as the twin of the “freak”, the “vegetable”, the “retarded rapper.” Yet at the same time, you also the “normal one.”

Luke spent most of his time tryna distance himself from me when we was real young. That might sound horrible, but I can’t be mad. How else would you expect a little kid to react when he just constantly gets s**t from everyone? So he wouldn’t really spend too much time around me " what was there to say anyway?

But a little after I got my speech synthesizer, something changed in him. I was being helped off the school bus like normal, with the bus driver holding one part of my wheelchair, and one of the older kids holding the front part. The older kid slipped and fell backwards and busted his head on the concrete. He starts crying and he’s bleeding " everyone crowds around him. He gets up after a couple minutes and just yells in my face, “This is all YOUR fault!”

I didn’t really know what to say to him " I was angry at him but I was also real confused. Definitely felt like s**t, that’s for sure. But before I could say anything, Luke stepped up to him and said, “Get away from him. You fell, so shut up.” The kid shoved Luke pretty hard, and Luke shoved him back. Then the kid punched Luke right in the nose, and he started bleeding everywhere. By this point, teachers had come to separate them, and both got taken to the nurse’s office. But before Luke left, he walked to me and said, “I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

Like I said, it ain’t easy, but ever since I got that speech synthesizer and Luke could hear me, he’s always had my back. The day I first talked " yes, I talked, not some machine talking for me " that was the best day of my life, and I know Luke feels the same.

Brothers by birth, bros by choice

My ride or die since I found my voice

Call it cliché, call it what you will

But you never gon’ find another bond this real

And let me tell y’all something; once I started talking, I knew I’d never stop. It’s kinda like what happens to kids who got hella strict parents and end up addicted to drugs or booze. You can’t expect someone who been repressed they whole life to stay that way. I always gon’ tell you what’s on my mind. You shoulda seen the look on kids’ faces back when I was 11 and started not just talking but CALLIN’ THEM OUT.

“Joey, I might be in a chair but I know I’m faster than YOUR fat a*s.”

“Hey Connor, I forgot my lunch money today, so can I just snack on all the boogers you just scraped outta your nose?”

“Katie, I used to think that you were so rude for always staring at me, but I don’t care anymore because ever since you started growing tits I’ve been staring at you too!”

That last one landed me in the principal’s office. Yeah, I admit I was too unfiltered at first, but my whole life was a filter, so I didn’t give a s**t. Some people thought I was an idiot, but I actually made a few friends because of it. I never expected that, and to tell y’all the truth, I didn’t know how I even felt about it. It was cool to have people actually care about me, but it was hella overwhelming. They were Luke’s boys, who I’d always hated " mostly outta jealousy; but still, I’d never thought they was real chill or nothing. But I liked having friends, and I didn’t want to let Luke down or embarrass him, so after having a forced filter my whole life and finally breaking out of it, I had to filter myself by my own choice. Despite everything I’d ever been through to that point, that was actually the hardest s**t I ever had to deal with in my life.

I’m zero. I’m De Niro. I’m the real Leonard Lowe because

I’m awakened. I’m mistaken. I’m still a freak show but then

I’m accepted. Much expected. I’m just supposed to click but

It’s fake, and I ain’t Drake - zero to a hundred’s much too quick

In a way, I was more miserable than before. I’d always wanted to show myself to everyone, and I thought being able to speak would make that happen. Well s**t, was I wrong. Truth is that when you go to middle school, you can’t be yo’ self no matter who you are. But you can cultivate yo’ self, and I started doing that when I started getting into hip-hop and rap.

I’d always liked music, but I didn’t feel a connection to any artists or nothing ‘cause no one was talking ‘bout anything I was dealing with. That ain’t changed, but the actual music did. Imagine me back in ’07 the first time I heard T-Pain’s Epiphany album. Aptly named f*****g track. Lots of people trash T-Pain because he changed the game with Auto-Tune. I get that some people hate that s**t, but it saved my life. When that robot-voice album started climbing the charts, I felt like I was along for the ride. For the first time, I felt like I had a chance to make something of myself.

So I starting thinking up rhymes all the time. Obviously I couldn’t write ‘em down, so I had to remember all of ‘em. That takes a ton of effort, and it became all I gave a s**t about. Grades slipped, which just made my teachers start thinking that my disabilities were finally becoming too much. Couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I’d always had to do schoolwork different from everyone else, took only multiple choice tests so I could mouth the letter for each answer to a teacher’s aid, same with homework to my folks. But you get more essays as you get older, so I’d go off and record my papers through the synthesizer. Not only had I never had to write responses before that, but like I said, all I cared about was music. I tried to tell ‘em that, but apparently no one took it serious because I got moved to a “special” school before 8^th grade. Special my a*s " that s**t was a joke. I spent a year there doing even worse in school just to show everyone who doubted me that they was dead wrong.

It’s one thing to write me off ‘cause I’m used to bad news

But when you insult my intelligence you better prepare for a fight

You really tryna beat down someone who’s got nothing to lose?

You really tryna cross someone who’s prenatally crucified?

F**k YOU b***h, I was sentenced to death before I could cry

I ain’t even supposed to be here, but I refuse to die

Life expectancy won’t define me, and neither will you

So thanks for the motivation, teach. You some kinda special, too

No bullshit, I gave exactly ZERO f***s at that goddamn school. I took the opportunity to focus solely on music. And guess what? My folks, my teachers, the whole school system " they got the point. I was back in public school with everyone who knew me for my freshman year of high school. My folks made a deal with me that if I got back to putting in work with the grades, they’d buy me sound editing software for my next birthday in July. Not gonna lie " that got my attention. How’s a 3.8 GPA sound for someone who spent the previous year in a Special Ed school? I’ll say it one more time: F**K MIDDLE SCHOOL. That s**t is wack.

I spent the summer between 9^th and 10^th grade going in on that sound editing game. With Luke’s help, I mastered Auto-Tuning my synthesizer. He helped me produce fresh beats and we were killing it as a production team. But Luke had his own s**t to do as well, so I couldn’t even use the software as much as I wanted, which was hella frustrating. I knew that I needed to make some connections when school started again and get in with the music crowd. That’s probably the only time I legitimately felt scared in my whole life. I’d never needed to make the effort to put myself out there, or just wasn’t able to. Yeah, I started kirking out, no lie " but I knew I couldn’t let anything stop me.

First day of sophomore year, I went to the main office and got a list of extracurricular clubs. I’d never heard of any hip-hop clubs or nothing, but I figured it was worth a shot to check it out. Sure enough, there was something called “After Hours Contemporary Music.” The first thought I had was that was the dumbest f*****g name I’d ever heard for a club. But I convinced myself to go through with it and check it out.

I went to their first meeting of the year. All of them were straight up rattled by me being there. When it was my turn to introduce myself, all of them started squirming in their chairs and looking away. I’d thought I wouldn’t care what they thought of me, just like always. But this time I did care. They cared about music just liked I did, but it didn’t matter because they’d never accept me. If I repulsed my own peers, why would anyone who didn’t know who I was give me a chance? I wanted to give up. I wanted to die.

I never asked for more than something to believe in

But what’s a killer rhyme when there’s no sign of reason

I couldn’t wait for that meeting to end so I could just go home and not burden anyone anymore. After the longest hour I ever been through, it was done, and I was about to head out before one of the kids, Alexander, called my name. He said he’d always seen me around school and thought it was cool that I wanted to rap. He also said that he had a class with Luke and had overheard him talking about how dedicated I was to making music. He said he was into producing and wanted to help me. I was stunned. Happy as hell, but stunned. I don’t know if you ever heard a robotic voice stutter over its words, but even I think it’s pretty funny, and so did Alexander. Eventually, I managed to say that it’d be chill to work with him, and he said the same. I couldn’t wait for the next meeting.

As the year went on, I got to know Alexander more, and he would come over to make music. He was only a year older, but he was a freaking musical prodigy. He came up with beats I’d never even thought was possible, and he made my synthesized Auto-Tune sound more natural. And he was the chillest dude I ever met. He never treated me like I was disabled, and he was always joking around. He showed me what it was like to have a normal relationship with someone. We had a great friendship. Working with him actually made me feel lucky " and that’s saying something.

There’s so much I could say about Alexander, but I think he’s best represented by one story in particular. We was working on the early stages of some music one day, but we decided we’d had enough after a few hours. I kinda expected him to just head out, but he stayed and shot the s**t with me for a few minutes afterwards. Then he asked if I wanted to go get something to eat with him at a diner nearby.

I did the closest thing I can do to laughing with a robot voice. I said, “Thanks, but you don’t want to go eat with me.” He said, “Why not?” I didn’t say anything for a few seconds. I was actually thinking to myself, ‘Does he actually not understand I’m crippled " is that possible?’ But I told him that he wouldn’t want to eat with me because he’d have to cut my food, feed it to me, the whole nine yards. Embarrassing s**t for a couple of high school kids, you know? I figured that’d be the end of that.

Alexander was quiet for a couple of seconds, like he seriously hadn’t realized this part of my life. Tears literally started welling up in his eyes. Then he just laughed while starting to actually cry, and said, “Well, I’m already cutting up your music " why not your food as well? Let’s go Liam.”

I’ll never forget that. It was the first time anyone had invited me to go out with them.

To top it all off, Alexander also had music connections through his uncle, who was a music producer out in LA. Alexander told me if we dropped a mixtape it might have a chance to pick up some steam. We worked together every day during winter break, and by New Year’s, the mixtape was ready. We called it “What Were The Odds.” And thanks to Alexander and his fam, it made its way through the area and got thousands of downloads.

I couldn’t believe what was happening " I’d never felt so powerful. I felt unstoppable, and it might sound silly, vengeful, whatever, but I just couldn’t wait to see the faces of all the kids in After Hours Contemporary Music at the next meeting, knowing me and Alexander proved ‘em all wrong. I was so pumped for that meeting, I was borderline smug " nah, f**k it, I was smug as hell. I wanted to shove my success in all they faces.

But when I got there after school, every one of ‘em was crying they eyes out. They saw me and came up to me, and started saying “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” I was confused, so I asked what they was talking ‘bout. They asked, “You don’t know?” I said no " what? They all looked at each other with the saddest faces I ever seen.

“Alexander " he, he’s dead.”

“He collapsed last night at his house and died. We’re so sorry Liam.”

They said on the news that Alexander had suffered cardiac arrest from an enlarged heart. To say it was ironic would be an understatement. He was 16.

I’d lost my first true friend. I don’t know if I’ma ever have another. The day before his funeral, his family called my house and asked me if I’d speak about him. They said that Alexander had raved about me and that he thought I really could be huge, and that I was becoming one of his better friends. These were things I’d known, but hearing them from someone I didn’t even know just tore me to f*****g shreds. I didn’t want to be a distraction at his funeral because of my condition and all, but they said it’s something Alexander would have wanted. So I agreed.

Hundreds of people showed up for the funeral, and I was nervous as all hell. Most of ‘em had known Alexander long before me " who was I to speak at his funeral? I didn’t know how to feel about it, but then I remembered that Alexander was there for me the last time I felt this devastated " at the first meeting. So I’d be there for him.

I spoke. I got a standing ovation. At a funeral. It was unreal. Afterward, his uncle from the music business approached me. He said he’d heard my mixtape, and he knew my story, and obviously he knew Alexander’s story. He said that news of the entire situation was spreading throughout the music industry, and that there was interest from record labels in signing me to a recording contract. This was beyond my wildest dreams " and I couldn’t give less of a s**t about it. All I thought was that I was going to reach my dreams not because of the talent, effort, or kindness of Alexander, but because of his death. Some bigwigs thought it’d make for a happy ending to a tragic story, and saw an opportunity to get positive PR. I agreed to a recording contract worth tens of thousands of dollars. It was the worst feeling in the world, becoming a corporate puppet and a so-called “feel-good story.” I’m glad everyone else felt good about a manufactured diversion from the ugly reality. I know I didn’t.

Two years later, I’m not over Alexander’s death. I ain’t ever getting over it. But I am considered an ascending new talent in the music industry. Definitely not mainstream yet, but people are starting to hear more and more about the fact that there’s a quadriplegic rapper making noise. I owe it all to Alexander, and I’ma dedicate my entire career to his legacy. Doctors still warn that I’m lucky to be alive, and that my health is due to decline.

Truth is, we’re all lucky to be alive. We all gon’ die, and I ain’t scared of dying sooner than most people. Maybe if everyone was told they life wasn’t gon’ last, they’d be more inclined to reach for the stars and be themselves. Most people don’t do s**t outside the norm unless they feel an external obligation " that’s what made Alexander different from everyone else. That’s what makes Luke a saint for never giving a second thought to being there for me. When it’s all said and done, I’ma be remembered as someone who was cursed and blessed. But at least I’ma be remembered. And thanks to my growing popularity, so will Alexander. I got a new single coming out soon. I wrote the first verse two years ago, and hundreds of people have already heard it " at Alexander’s funeral. It’s called “Eulogy. “

We shouldn’t be here today, but here we are

Grieving and crying, in our minds decrying

It ain’t fair, it ain’t right, he was ours

Why did you take him, God?

He had too much to give

Too many years to live

Too much talent, too much kindness, and now he’s gone

Sixteen years old, sixteen short years " it’s just vile

He deserved more, we deserved him, we miss his smile

We miss his laugh, we want his warmth, just one more time

Why couldn’t you at least let us say goodbye?

Why. Why. Why God? That’s all we ask. That’s all we think