Is it day or night? [11-16-08]

Is it day or night
F**k, I can't remember
I haven't seen my girl
Since, I don't know?
-November.
October, December
Damn, I wish I was with her.
Standing with my girl
On top of the world
-God, She's my world
Why can't she be my girl?
Living or dying
Sniveling or sighing
Laughing or crying
But it's all the same
Still, I'm to blame
Embezzled with shame.
Is it day or night?
F**k, I can't see so clear
I rub my eyes, Is she really here?
No, you're wasted, she's nowhere near.
Taste the sweet pain
Take it all, Try the vein
It's all worth a try
So, what if you die?
'Cause the whole world is dying
I swear, nobody's trying
Just relying

-On the next hit
-The next drag
"Damn, I need a new bag.
F*g, get off my grass
-He can't hit it, Pass"
Drown out all life
You can't feel the agony
Forget lies and strife
Just hit this s**t, after me.
Is it day or night
F**k, I can never tell
My eyes are closed -Shut
I think I'm in hell.
It burns but I'm numb
God, why am I so dumb?
Babi, If you hear me, remember
I don't care if it's been a year
I'll love you, Forever
I'm not bleeding, I'm better
I'll be waiting, up there
Then, we can be together
Again, - Forever.

Reviews

[L.V. Ana]

This is a fabulous piece, and I don't often like poetry. I love how this piece rhymes, but not with any specific pattern - it mixes and matches different patterns, sometimes having two or three lines rhyme together, sometimes having every other line rhyme.

I also like the word choice - especially some of the blunter words. It gives a definite air of desperation, longing, missing someone. I love how the narrator goes back and forth between speaking to the audience/nobody in particular (I rub my eyes, Is she really here?) to speaking directly to the girl who is absent (Babi, If you hear me, remember / I don't care if it's been a year / I'll love you, Forever).

This is a fantastic piece. I'd say it's probably hit somewhere near the top of my favourites list (which is hard to do on account of what I said earlier - I don't often like poetry).

[Jean]

Wow, really deep and nice flow.
You used the "-"s well. It really added to the structure of the poem, and made it a much more interesting read.
Good job. :>

[Brianna Brie]

Intense!!! Yes, sometimes it is necessary to just drown out the pain when it becomes too unbearable. I have moments like that. Enjoyed reading this. Thanks for entering it into the Missing Her, Missing Him contest.

[.::Cup^E^Cake*RaWr!*::.]

Wooow!!! This is a really heavy & deep write & you did amazing with something so deep & heavy!!
Great Write!!