Saturday, December 7th

Hello, I'm ∂, and I'm a sex addict.

Some how I'm still sober today, even after starting to watch Boogie Nights late last night. I still try to give films a pass and not admit the triggering effect that they can have on me. Before watching Boogie Nights, I watched The Wrestler, in which Marissa Tomei's character plays a stripper (not the best thing for a sex addict to see around midnight). On Thursday night I watched Requiem for a Dream and before that, A New York Thing (which has a scene involving bondage in a sexual situation). 

I'll watch films that have high sexual content, recognize during the movie that I am aroused, ignore it, make it through the movie, then wonder why my head is in a fog. And it's not like I haven't talked about it. My second sponsor was really working with me on not watching those types of movies, or at least those scenes, and I even addressed it in some of my first step work that I did with my current sponsor. 

Yet that is an extension of my powerlessness, that I can convince myself that I should be able to watch the movie, and then once the movie has had an effect on me, disassociate my feelings from the movie. I convince myself that other, normal folk are able to watch this and not obsess about seeing nudity, people having sex or nude people having sex; so neither should I. 

At this point though, that logic is faulty, because of the premise. The premise is that I am normal, that I am not a sex addict. And given that premise, it does stand to reason that watching a film with sexual content that is necessary to the story should be able to be processed as just part of the storyline. But since that premise isn't true, what should or shouldn't happen goes out the window. So when I watch these types of movies there should be an understanding at the beginning for the potential the movie could and most likely will have.

Keeping that in mind should help in not disassociating my sexualized feelings from the source, the movie. When I disassociate my feelings from the movie, it becomes hard to process the feelings adequately, because I have no understanding of why they are there. In that moment I take on the burden of proof of why those feelings are there, and it's usually because I'm just a sex addict who can't control his dirty thoughts. And once the shame cycle starts the issue has nothing to do with the movie any longer and then I'm in real danger of acting out.

Recognizing this entire process is strange and uncomfortable, but is a result of no longering blindly signing off on the idea that I am a bad person. So anything that asserts that now needs to be questioned, and proven for validity.

Reviews

[Dan Hiland]

At first I thought this was just a journal entry- but by the second paragraph it was sounding more like an essay. I believe that that is how a lot of essays begin. That being said, you are demonstrating the power of journaling with this entry- that of peeling back some sort of mental layers underneath which lie the keys to self-understanding. That's a hell of a long way of saying "epiphany".
As for your comment: "other, normal folk are able to watch this and not obsess about seeing nudity, people having sex or nude people having sex", I beg to differ. Most humans of either sex- but especially guys- are wired to react physically and emotionally to sexual acts, especially when viewed from the "safety" of the screen. It's abnormal to NOT be affected. To me, then, the way to avoid exposure to these images is to stay away from them. I have too good of a memory- especially if it is tied to strong emotions- to easily rid myself of those scenes later (when they seem to surface at the most inappropriate moments).
I'm not trying to give you advice, but as an inveterate movie watcher and lover of the medium, there are so many good movies out there from the 30s, 40's, 50's and 60's, that I could go my whole life without ever seeing most of the newer, more toxic fare.
As for the desire to hang in there and ignore the sex scenes because the story is so good- well, I grew up on a farm and did my share of stall cleaning. There were times when the cow crap was so deep that it would suck a boot off. If I was able to keep my balance- which sometimes I did not, causing me to fall hands first into the greenish brown caca- I'd struggle to get my foot back in the collapsed boot or scream for help. It was then that I wished I'd walked around the long way (staying warm, dry and clean) than try to take a shortcut through excrement.
Not trying to preach here, just trying in my own way to understand the logical conclusions you are arriving at with your journal entry. Thanks for sharing this. It is important to understand...