circumvention

The voices in my head told me you were sick and dying. 

 

I tried to save you.

 

I drove to the hospital that evil evening

and I stumbled to the front desk

and I asked for your room number

because I wanted to see you

despite

everything

and I wanted to protect you from a death

like that which you had so freely given me.

 

Then they told me you were dead, the voices in my head.

That is what they said.

 

I tried to resurrect you.

 

I figured, if I had done it for myself

every

damn

time

you had killed me,

then it could only be so difficult

to do likewise for you in return.

 

I daydreamed

of things that gleamed

and glimmered

in my memory,

and I felt all of the energies

growing from the soles of my feet

through each and every part and channel

of my body

until

there was no time left

and they cracked

and said

you were dead.

 

I wondered if I had done enough to save you.

I wondered if it were even possible.

 

I never wondered, though, if you were worth saving.

Maybe I should have.

Maybe even just that

little bit 

of doubt 

in my mind

would have been enough

to identity myself

as one of you

or one of yours --

but I didn't doubt

and I didn't pout

and I didn't begin to figure it out.

 

You had me in the palm of your hand

as my own ached with the memories

of the nails which you used to crucify me

over and over again

as part of your sick, twisted plan.

 

As I graced mine in preparation to heal,

you braced yours in action to steal

and never again would my heart

or soul be the same

once you attempted to split it

 

but you didn't

 

and here I am,

finally becoming whole again

through all the holy holes

 

and there you are,

somewhere out there yet never too terribly far,

 

and I still pray the same

damn

words

for you

as I always have

for you and yours

to be free of the chains

with which you bind each other

with which you blind each other

may you one day find each other

and may your soul splitting nights

and your cowardly fights

never again mistake frights for flights

and may you never forget

that it was I who you played

and it was you who was afraid

and it was I who, for all of us,

every night and day prayed.