Venus in Furs

Venus in Furs

 

I grew up equating

Sex with abuse

The church called it dirty

While priests abused boys

12 years of Catholic school

Coupled with sexual abuse

Warps the soul

 

Raised in pain

Spare the rod

Spoil that child

Pointers across the calves

From nuns

Paddles from mom

Sudden ambushes from bro

 

Dad was protection

All calmed down

When he was near

My favorite times

Blessed relief

Times of laughter

Unrepented

 

And daily mass

Did my homework

Read the gospels

Inhaled the incense

Occasionally songs

Always left with a blessing

Before I started school

 

Blessed by fortune

I made it past legal age

Without appearing too ungrateful

Love them still

Better from afar

Ego never strong

Guilt their sharpest tool

 

I read about abuse

The sexual kind

The emotional kind

The intellectual kind

Learned to see it in my behaviors

Only control I own

Rather do no harm

 

Taught love was abuse

Must stop unwelcomed behaviors

Learned to look through

Saw unhealed pain

I broke that pact

To stay unworthy

I am as I am

 

Had to relearn sex

From the outside in

Gentle persuasion

All about release

Holy Spirit a witness

Shekinah to some

Inanna to others

 

Projecting pain

Unto the vulnerable

Hurts the soul

Angel sings laments

Until my heart listens

Can only change the future

Through my behaviors

 

Anger unabated

After all these years

Prejudices exist

Education cures

Laughter releases

Dancing heals

Gratitude results

 

Redefining love required Christ

Buddha

Lao Tzu

Merlin

Muhammad

Even Vishnu

 

Lessons taught by Campell

Sartre and his women

Hesse and Austen

Gardens

Long walks

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

And my beloved husband and children

 

Handcuffed to a bar

May be fun for some

A whip to confront fears

Or simulate control

I prefer kindness

Really floats my boat

Chaos welcomed