32 Charleston Drive

Just a taste of something that I'm working on

The second-floor apartment of the house seemed perfect.  Standing at the foot of the stairs that led to the entrance of 32 Charleston Drive, Jeremy Stills looked upon the place he would now call home.  He climbed the few steps up onto the large front porch and took in the view. 

He stood looking at the dead end street.  A layer of leaves blanketed the road in orange, crimson, yellow, and brown.  The sun, casting its rays through the many trees from which the leaves had fallen, emitted rays of light that shimmered like fine, gold dust.  There were only two other residences on Charleston Drive, securing the peaceful tranquility he was looking for.   He felt as though he was looking upon a Thomas Kinkade picture, and smiled as he thought life here would be perfect. 

Jeremy took a deep breath of the crisp, autumn air.  He bent to lift one of the last of the heavy boxes.  As he worked his hands under the box, clouds moved to block out all shadow except for one he happened to catch a glimpse of out of the corner of his eye.  A queasiness formed in the pit of his stomach.  The sun again made its appearance, and he shook off the feeling. He made his way up the stairs leading to his new abode, pondering the chore of moving, and was thankful there were only a few boxes left.

The apartment was very spacious and clean, though a bit ancient, which only added to its charm.  Helen Beasley, who owned the house and occupied the ground floor, was a sweet, elderly woman, somewhere in her late 70’s.  Being he was a musician, Jeremy had been concerned that perhaps Ms. Beasley might deny him rental of the apartment.  He was both surprised and relieved when she assured him it would be her pleasure to listen to the sounds of his violin as he practiced.  She confided she was a large fan of Bartok and Brahms. 

After the last of the boxes had been moved in, and everything was unpacked and in its place, Jeremy wrapped the cardboard into a bundle for recycling and carried it down the stairs. 

Walking along the gravel driveway in the waning light of dusk, he noticed a door in the side of the house and assumed it lead to the basement.  Upon inspection, he saw the door hung askew in its frame, its two windows grimy from many years of weather.   

He peered through one of the small windows in the door and saw, hanging on the opposing wall, a dark overcoat and Fedora hat.  He was barely able to make out a pair of black dress shoes standing on the floor, under the coat.  If he hadn’t strained his focus through the grime, he would have thought that he was looking at a man straight out of the 1920’s.  A chill ran down his spine as he pulled himself away from the door.

His first thought, as he deposited the cardboard into the bin, was that the coat must have belonged to Ms. Beasley’s late husband.  Perhaps they had a sentimental value. 

Lost in his thoughts, he made his way back up the driveway.  He went upstairs, made himself a bite to eat and, as fatigue steadily took over, he prepared for a long night of sleep.  But sleep did not come easily that night.  More than once, he thought he heard the basement door creaking on its hinges.  He laughed at his own nerves and decided once he had gotten a good night’s rest, everything would be normal in the morning.

Author's Note

I post in order to get some feedback. Please feel free to leave some. Thanks. :)

Reviews

[Zachary_James]

good job

[Sean Allen]

Yes, the others have pointed out a couple of things like 'house' which is only there three times. Perhaps you have already made some changes. Often I read something hoping that it will end quickly, but in this story I was hoping that it would be longer. What Luxovious means I think is to not just say that "...he made himself a bite to eat..." but to give us some detail about what he was making. All in all, I think the whole piece is too short and could be expanded to about 800 words, a length I like.

I wasn't sure if there would still be any red and orange leaves left when there were brown ones. I'll take a look at the leaves this fall and think of this story. You might also add a little flashback thought to the shadow at the end to create whatever emotion that the thought might bring.

da Vinci, by the way took about 15 years to paint the Mona Lisa.

[A.Lee]

I like your writing style in this one. I agree that you might want to vary word choice a little more since you're referring to the house a lot you could use different words to describe the it. But other than that, i think its starting out really well.

[mcg03002]

Hey Drock,
Since I wasn't sure about the comments I gave you in part three of my previous review, I did some research on hyphenation. The rule I mentioned, that applies to a couple of spots in your story, is number three(3). The Oxford English Dictionary (online) says the following on when to use hyphens:
1. to make clear the unifying of the sense in compound expressions such as punch-drunk, cost-benefit analysis, or weight-carrying, or compounds in attributive use (that is, in front of the noun), as in an up-to-date list or the well-known performer;
2. to join a prefix to a proper name (e.g. anti-Darwinian);
3. to avoid misunderstanding by distinguishing phrases such as twenty-odd people and twenty odd people, or a third-world conflict and a third world conflict;
4. to clarify the use of a prefix, as in recovering from an illness and re-covering an umbrella;
5. to clarify compounds with similar adjacent sounds, such as sword-dance, co-opt, tool-like.
6. to represent the use of a common element in a list of compounds, such as four-, six-, and eight-legged animals.
7. in dividing a word across a line-break. Guidance on word division is given in reference books

[Creepy Swine Guy]

I find this to be a spectacular opening to a story. You paint a fabulous picture and you drop enough "plot candy" to get me to follow along and see if there's more.

GREAT opening

[mcg03002]

Drock,
This is a great story in and of itself. I agree with one of the reviewers, though, that the end leaves the reader craving more. And that's a good thing! I want to know what's going to happen to Jeremy Stills (by the way, I remembered his name and didn't have to scroll up to find it, which is another good thing). I find myself curious about the mysterious door and the hanging clothing. If you are able to hook a reader with your storytelling, you've accomplished a very difficult task. Well done! I always like your stuff.
A couple of comments:
1. Luxovious makes a good point when he talks about the difference between showing and telling. There may be a few spots that you could revise so that they conjure up an image rather than present it. That being said, don’t change the story’s style too much. As Sam pointed out, it does flow very well, and the pacing is just right. Too much description or indirectness could easily distract from the suspenseful mood you’ve created so effectively.
2. Look at word repetition. For example, in the second paragraph you refer to the “house” several times. Each time you use the same word. Since the mind is very adept at noticing patterns and similarities, terms and phrases will start to look as though they were in bold print if they appear too frequently. Instead of “house,” use “residence” or “home.” I noticed that further into the story you threw in “abode.”
3. I’m not sure if I am correct on this…but I think you are required to use a hyphen when you join two adjectives together to create one descriptive idea. In the first paragraph I think you should write “second-floor apartment.” Similarly, in paragraph three, you might want to consider saying “early-autumn air.” At least, that’s how I’d pen those descriptions. Otherwise you risk the second adjective being tied to the noun that follows it. Like, “The early (autumn air).” The autumn air arrived early, instead of the air being the of the type that is present during early autumn.
4. Respect the reader’s ability to make connections. You don’t have to clarify a lot of details that ought to be apparent. In paragraph four you write “His landlady, Helen Beasley, who owned the house and occupied…” If you tell me that she owns the house and lives downstairs, I’ll know she’s the landlady. By leaving that explanation out, you can start the sentence more cleanly, with her name. “Helen Beasley owned the house and occupied the ground floor. She was a sweet…”
Really great job, Drock. My suggestions are just meant as revision options. Your story is wonderful just the way it is.

[Luxovious Sloane]

Okay, Well I'm going to give you some constructive criticism on how you can make this a more powerful story.

Here's the Upshot: I saw that you read Edgar Allen Poe in your bio; he was an expert at conveying emotion. I think "Oh my god" everytime i read the Raven (even though its a poem.) In the Raven, Poe uses vivid details that allow the readers to create an image in their minds; almost as if a movie is playing. Images signifies an experience; and in turn, Experiences are overwhelmingly emotional. In order to create a vivid image, you must "show the story" without "telling". So the first sentence for example:

Telling: "The second floor apartment of the house seemed perfect. Standing at the foot of the stairs that led to the entrance of 32 Charleston Drive, Jeremy Stills looked upon the house he would now call home. He climbed the few steps up onto the large front porch and took in the view. "

Showing: "Jeremy was still on the stairs of a white Victorian Mansion on 32 Charleston Drive. He thought of the grand furniture in his apartment on the second floor, the diamond kitchen tiles, and the golden chandeliers. "I'm calling it home from here on forth," Jeremy told himself and began walking up steps into the porch. The sun was setting, the clouds were blaring orange, and sky was purple and green, and blue turning dark. Jeremy sighed with a smile."

It's not very good (and you might have an entirely different image in mind); but I'm trying to show you that the difference is:

Telling: its like a stick figure... a line. It's very basic, very general.
Showing: it's like the mona lisa painting.. just show as many details as possible. If you start showing, you will start evoking powerful, powerful emotions. I see the talent in you, so keep writing and keep me posted.

Cheerio

[Samuel Dickens]

It's a pleasure to read something as well put-together as this. The pacing is perfect and the words flow gracefully and logically, making reading easy. You have here an excellent beggining to something interesting and spooky.

[James Watts]

Well written, but leaves me hanging. I was expecting more. You have a plot developing and I would like to see what unfolds next. Again, this well written, just kinda wished that it carried on further.