Till Then, I Will Dance

Excerpt: Listless travels, endless seas. The plane, the humdrum of wheels against the floor. My ears clogged, ringing, as we crash down, plummet, plummet, into the endless sea below.

Till Then, I Will Dance 

A little twirl, a dance 

of seemingly bliss 

when within, boils 

are coming to head, 

popping, oozing pus. 

A disease

I have captured

The cure has been sought, 

though is still unknown to mortal men. 

Listless travels, endless seas. 

The plane, the humdrum of 

wheels against the floor. 

My ears clogged, ringing, 

as we crash down, plummet, 

plummet, into the endless 

sea below. 

Three words.

We. Are. Dying. 

The cure has been sought, 

though is still unknown to mortal men. 

Call me when a concoction 

for immortality is born. 

Till then, I will dance

to my grave with you.

Reviews

[ChemicalMadness]

Love the 4th and 5th stanzas. I think the 2nd would be tighter if you said:
A disease
I have captured

Just a thought. Similarity, the 6th might read:
Three words
The cure has been sought

I really like the last stanza, though its the first mention of "you", which leaves me wondering "who"? (In a good way).

Keep writing!
CM

[Aisha Mnd]

Thank you for leaving a well-written review. It's rare to come by reviews that are meant to help the writer hone their skills.

You're right. I reread the second stanza, and it reads better, as:

A disease
I have captured

Also, I altered the latter part, and deleted the 'And' found before 'The cure has been sought'.

Your advice and critique is very helpful. Thank you! I hope to read more of your work. As mentioned (or so I believe in my review of your poem) you write beautifully!

- Aisha