If I close my eyes

It's a relatable writing. It's basically something everyone has gone through and its my personal experience

If I close my eyes, I see a dark room, a couch and me smoking a cigarette . The thought of it makes me happy. Its a cold winter night,comforting and relaxing as I finish my cigarette in my small happy place.
As i open my eyes, I look back at the time where my life was used as a toy who you could throw around and be entitled to anybody’s emotional breakdown. S****y Thing, not gonna lie. A bright future is looking at me in my eye. i fear the shine may even blind me.
I usually idolize the characters I see in television. But the ones who actually impacted me so much, a part of theri character is a part of me
Will McAvoy, he taught me that telling the truth and falling in love all over again are a fool’s dance. It got much sense but I still got my feet
Dean Winchester, he taught me that life’s biggest problems can be solved with food
Thomas Shelby, he taught me to always have a plan
Most important, the one who impacted the most, Rust Cohle. He taught me sometimes it’s alright to sit back and have a smoke
If I were asked honestly where is this all going, I could say that I am not the guy I was 6 years back. Back then,I was an innocent, chubby little kid who were made to believe that I was an insignificant misfit and was riddled with fat shaming and self hate
The dark room and the cigarette was not the idea I had for a happy place. Hell, it wasn’t the closest idea for anything. I used to come back home with the feeling of melancholy and disgust, cry and the cycle continued. The only happy place was music and books
When I slowly grew up, I made better friends. Friends who I still talk to. It was the first phase of what changed me.It made me feel lighter for who I was, but soon I realised that not all friends were your friends. Such things still disturb me till this day
I am still in touch with some of the friends I met back in my childhood.
When it came to dating, I did not have such a really great experience. I was entitled to their aggression about their last ex more, until I really fell in love. She was the beginning of my happy place. She is a different story all together. She was the second phase
Till last year, I believe that this world is a ghetto, a giant gutter in outer space.I contemplated the garden , allowed the idea of my own crucifixion. I realized that all your life�"you know, all your love, all your hate, all your memory, all your pain�"it was all the same thing. It was all the same dream. A dream that you had inside a locked room. A dream about being a person. And like a lot of dreams there’s a monster at the end of it.
I hated seeing people act all dark and depressed and getting s**t ton of attention and w***e mongering. It made my blood rush to the skull. I did not die for sympathy. I was (and still am) the last person who need sympathy in this f*****g country.
I am 17 years old now,I have people who love me, a wonderful cousin, a loving mom. I know who I am, after all these years, there is victory in that.
I do have a bright future ahead of me. Lawyer or something. I have been complimented by people who hardly know me, even strangers. I have been called to an extent of being a heavensent to make people smile. Why am I bragging about this? It is because I see envy in the eyes of the same people whose eyes used to glimmer making me suffer.
It is not that I am depressed or lonely thinking of a cigarette and a dark room as a happy place, maybe it’s because I survived all these difficult times with a puff of a cigarette.
My life has been a cycle of betrayal and degradation. I am okay to tie it off with a million smiles.

Reviews

[Unspoken poet]

Very descriptive, I like your imagery you write with. Awesome