Ramblings Of A Broken Heart

Thoughts that circled through my head following the end of a near 3 yr relationship that I needed to put down. Wasn't written due to suicidal feelings and does not mean death in the literal sense.

[wasn't sure what to choose for genre or type. not really a story as more just...my own thoughts.]

Death to some is severing a person's connection from the living world. Their organs shut down and their body grows cold. If you believe in the afterlife the spirit, after this, ascends to Heaven or descends to Hell depending upon the deeds they did while on Earth. To me though this is only one way to describe it.

It does not explain those whose lungs still take in air or hearts still beat inside their chest that feel dead inside. Outside their bodies still give off heat as they go about their day. They laugh, smile, talk to others, and none suspect what's going on inside. It is there that they feel cold. Their connection to the living is cut off by the agony that weighs upon their spirit. Loneliness eats at them even as they stand surrounded by others and at night they weep for that feeling of living that is gone. They yearn to feel numb rather than hurt, and they do, but even those walls built eventually come tumbling down.

To die in this manner is torture for you're still alive in the physical sense. Emotional pain is far to get over than something physical. Physical wounds, the scars generally go away, or heal over, yet an emotional scar never vanishes and it takes even less to re-open it. It takes trust being broken that was given to someone you thought would handle it with care. Do you ever get over it? Sometimes...sometimes not...

Sounds ridiculous, perhaps, yet this is how I've felt for about three or so weeks. What walls I painstakingly worked to put in place, to allow numbness to take over, have begun to crumble. I can't put them back in place it seems. At times I feel so very alone that I wonder who would miss me if I disappeared. I feel dead, alone, as if nothing can be felt except sorrow. I'd prefer to feel nothing though. A broken heart hurts far worse than anything I've ever felt in my life. Promises broken and a trust betrayed by someone who told me they'd always love me, that I'd never be alone, and that I could trust them. A heart that yearns to be loved again, a mind that grows bitter, and a hope that makes me beg God to let him love me again as I cry myself to sleep. A sleep where I dream and only feel worse upon waking. It hurts unbearably and sometimes I wonder if he even cares. If I vanished, would he? I doubt it. Yet, he told me that we'd be together, that we were meant to be, and I was a fool to believe it I think. To trust him and allow myself to be so defenseless when everything shattered around me.

That is how I've felt. It's not easing any. I love him just as much as I did...even if he doesn't at all.

copyright mar 1, 2009

Author's Note

Some have given me negative remarks, those who knew me mainly, when I first released this as they thought it meant I was suicidal. I was not. Others that know me, and those who have never met me, tend to compliment this piece and consider it really well-written for me. As it stands I just want to clear up that I was in a tough place after this break-up and literally most of it is probably just nonsensical ramblings, but that's what happens when you need to write what's going through your head at like 4 am.

Reviews

[Will Neill]

Tabitha, seeing as how we were nearly at loggerheads over a comment I wrote for MD. I felt it only fair to read some of your stories. I have did so and I think you have a talent for prose, and you are right sometimes it is easier to just put down all your thoughts into a poem or short piece. Most of what I have read seems to be more like a prologue to a much longer story, to expand on them would be well worth considering. If you have any longer stories I would very much like to read them. I do hope you were not offended by anything I may have wrote. I like to encourage new writers and I hate to see them crash and burn over a bad piece of work that they could have made better.
Take Care.
Will

[Tabitha Deasún]

There's absolutely no need to apologize or anything of that nature. I wasn't upset. And thank you. Much of this is older work that needs some re-working and editing, and looked over with a new eye. Most of this stuff was written after having my heart stomped on. I don't think I have anything that is meant for a longer story posted here, but also can't remember everything posted on this site. Thank you for reading it though. ^_^ I don't actually have much in the way of longer things out there, but you can find some of my work on my blog(totiltwithwindmills.wordpress.com) including links to pieces not posted on my blog. I plan to look over your work later when my arm isn't making it hard to focus.

Thank you again. Sorry if I seemed mad or anything before. I didn't mean to come off that way.