"today, I lived and died "

Today was nice

today..

today, between always and forever, was perfect

I left my coat on the chair in the garden

and went for a run

from wonderland to the land of OZ

I ran and ran and ran and ran

to shape a perfect heart, I ran

to get rid of my fears, I ran

today was nice

I drank too much water and took a breath

I lied beside the tree and slept

I gave birth to freedom and died

today ruined me

because it was nice.

Author's Note

What do you think? People always tell me my writings are not smooth.

Reviews

[Ghost writer]

I don't think it's smooth, but not all writing has to be smooth to be good, and I like this I like that you use Oz and Wonderland, I love those places that exist right along with the real world and I like the running like you can't decide if you're running away from something or towards it and I love that you die in the end, because that's life, one day you're running and the next day you're gone.

[goldenscar__]

Thank you

[Einstein Noodle]

well ... i like it .. i did not have trouble with your rhythm .. i think the turn and closing a a little abrupt and so looses some of its power ... i think the repetition of ran and ran and ran is effective .. i like it .. there is the hint, for me of deeper meaning in the running .. (we run from too many things sometimes) i like the construction, the images, i'm pulled in and relate to the scene ..i want for more transition in the closing ..or i find myself wanting it to remain upbeat ;) but i am the consummate optimist .. so could just be me ;) The Cafe' has listed you as the writer to watch .. nice to meet you golden!
E.

[goldenscar__]

Really? I didn't see that coming! Thank you dear @einstein for your kind words. I really am glad that you liked it. looking forward hearning your opinions about my stuff... :)))

[Onlyme]

I like this raw, heartfelt, random even, human element that life is all about, One minute your here the next you are not. You gave it impact and a beating heart, inside this nice thought provoking interesting poem.

[goldenscar__]

so my least favorite poem was liked by many people.. interesting
thank you Dawn xx

[Onlyme]

For me it's because your heart spoke out. And you're wording made me understand all. If that makes sense.

[Onlyme]

You were not trying to impress you were saying. Simple as that. Not being egotistical just human.

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

I agree with you dawn

[Onlyme]

down to earth normal.

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

agreed dawn not pretentious just like saying the sun shone today then it rained simple stuff love it

[Onlyme]

Thanks, Julie thought that was just my interpretation. Glad someone else saw what I did. Nice one.

[goldenscar__]

this poem is so pure and from the heart.. I needed some time so I wrote it. thank you for encouraging me girls

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

yes poetry isn't smooth you should read my ruff ones lol
I love this again a fav of mine xx

[goldenscar__]

Come on! You're an awesome poet. thanks dear, your comments cheer me up xx

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

thankyou but on this site no not awesome im very amateur I like this a lot I love down to earth poetry about real things how you drank water had a run just everyday stuff love it

[goldenscar__]

Thank you! hugs

[wordman]

smooth as silk,they just don`t look at it the way it is written,you was one with nature,you lived and your humanism died as your spirit was re born

[goldenscar__]

They dond't understand; they never did. Thank you so much for your kind words.

[wordman]

my pleasure

[Einstein Noodle]

i agree wordman! ;)