cloudy hangover

Old man lying in a thundercloud

Coarse cloth and heavy limbs

Bushy eyebrows cloud his weathered face

Lips slack with drunken slumber

 

Cradled in his limp arms rests a ceramic jug

Once filled to the brim with burning sake

Now contains just a drop of liquid rice fire

Mingled with clear cold cloud air

 

Deep inside the old man's resting place

Strong and restless thunder shakes

Eyes milky with rheum flutter open

Roving blindly across the wavering sky

 

Swollen fingers reach for the ceramic jug

Fumble for the cork and unleash stale air

He emits an irritated grunt

Props his thin body up on his elbows

Gazes up at the crisp silver moon

 

The wind whistles with hollow cheeks

The stars blink like pin pricked pupils

The old man gathers air into his lungs

Releases it into the world

Tainted with sour rice breath

 

He fights the clarity of sobriety

Dams the flood of memories waiting behind the fog

Coarse fingertips tap his resting place

Sending the signal to a waiting universe

 

Heaven opens the sky for him

Dropping silver threads of moon water

Into his open waiting mouth

Eyes close and senses wash away

Cares dissipate

 

Rice liquor taptaptaps into the empty jug

The brim overflows with glowing liquid

The old man lays back and winks at the moon

Then closes his eyes

Waiting to die

Author's Note

This is a second revision.

Reviews

[Rikkevi Rue]

intriguing writing that really captures the concept. I always say that the most important thing in writing is Does it get the idea across? Does it have enough "technique" to get an emotional response? Well this does and it does it very nicely as well. Your metaphors paint the picture in easily understood concepts, yet they are tinged with an aesthetic flare. A very enjoyable piece and you write quite well cherie!

[zee]

What I love about this piece is that, it shows beauty of something tragic and unwanted. Old man just holding onto his jug surviving, feeling, blinking. Yet somehow that misery made into poetry and made a lot of sense.

[Philip Muls]

You write with good insight in addiction. The old man fights the clarity of sobriety, it is not welcome...

Very nice piece of work, the logic and meaning are clear, the wording is well chosen.

Well done.

[Siegfried]

Addiction takes more away with each successive failure to resist. Nothing so tries the will it seems as taking the other path and sticking to it.

Powerfully written, the losing cycle is well portrayed without being overtly judgmental toward the victim.

[zainul]

You captured the breathtaking moments of a dying man with his meager assets like ceramic jug in a cloudy setting.
I can't repeat the actions and imageries you used for the lack of my suitable words.
Wonderful work!
Congratulations!!!
Added to my reading and favorite lists.
100/100

[Robin]

Poetic movement and visuals that blend the tapestry of this story between your lines . I like it .

[Rob Santana]

Really good imagery