The Epic of John Smith

A mock-epic, satire on America

John Smith was a man among men,

Seven feet tall, 250 pounds, and in place of a left arm a high-powered machine gun.

He could crush boulders with his iron grip.

His fearsome, piercing gaze could kill an eagle.

His smile could enchant any woman.

There was not a soul in America, who had not heard his name and smiled in pride,

And now he stood in the midst of the Saudi Arabian oil fields, surrounded by thousands of mean-faced Arabs.

John Smith let out a mighty bellow that shocked the swarms of dark faces off their feet.

While they lay on the ground, shaking in fear, he called out to them, “You will never prevent me from taking what rightfully belongs to my country!”

Now I call upon God, the one and only savior of men, the father of our lord Jesus Christ, the creator of the universe and everything in it, to grant me the poetic prowess to tell his tale.

 

This was not John Smith’s first venture outside his nation.

Not at all, he had been sent out into the outside world many times before, however much he hated it.

To John Smith, nothing could ever equal the beauty and greatness of his home country, the Unites States of America.

His patriotism could not be matched by any except perhaps his father, Joseph Smith.

Joseph Smith was the owner of the largest steel company in the world.  He still paid his workers $1 an hour despite minimum wage laws.  He never paid any taxes.  He bought out all other companies and monopolized the industry.  He was truly a quintessential American.

 And Joseph Smith’s patriotism was only superceded by that of his father, Jebbediah Smith. 

Jebbediah Smith lived in the west of America even before the Louisiana Purchase.  He was the first cowboy and lassoed many a Mexican who invaded during the Mexican-American War.  He was a top ranking officer in the Revolutionary War.  

And he was the sole reason America reunited after the Civil War.  The country would surely have fallen apart without him.

Now John Smith fills the role left by his forbearers.

Given current oil prices and the energy crises of his country, the president humbly asked John Smith to retrieve massive quantities of oil from the Middle East.

Knowing that this world would be nothing without America, and that therefore the world belonged to America, John Smith did not hesitate, and began his quest.

 

He left the White House at six that morning, running towards the West, and made it to the Rocky Mountains slightly past midday, pausing along the way only to help an old lady cross the street, to help a girl get her kitten out of a tree and to help a mother bake her apple pies for the following day’s sale.

When he made it to the Rockies he reminisced on a dark day in recent American history that he was able to save from travesty…

 

It was Christmas Eve, and there was no snow to be found.  Climate changes had left the winters warm and it seemed that Christ’s birthday would be ruined form lack of those glorious white flakes, but John Smith could not let that happen.

This beast of a man made his way to the Himalayas at breakneck speed in order to transfer the bounteous snow atop these serene peaks back to where it was really needed. 

On his way to the top of the range, he was confronted by a group of disgruntled monks.  He did not know what they were babbling, but John Smith knew these bald figures dressed in orange were nothing but un-American.

To eliminate any future threat to the homeland, he drove his fingers into the ground and pulled apart the tectonic plates so that this village of blasphemous people would fall back into Hell where it belonged. 

As he listened to the screams of monks falling into the abyss, they seemed to sound something like someone saying, “You’ve done well”. 

John Smith knew that must be God telling him he was doing the right thing.  He smiled and jammed the rent slabs of Earth back together, trapping the howling monks in the Earth forever.

John Smith then grabbed onto two separate mountains and began to shake them so quickly and violently that the vibrations sent all of the snow from the Himalayas into the heavens. Once it had formed a cloud above the Earth, he drew in an enormous breath and blew it over to the United States.

Snow filled America’s streets before the first child woke up to his presents.  The nation was happy, and John Smith had saved the day…

 

After his short break, the patriot leapt over his mountainous obstacle and dove directly into the Pacific Ocean. 

He swam across the sea, and when he was about halfway, he noticed a dolphin in the distance and its fin reminded him of the day he killed every shark on Earth…

 

It was a sad day when, due to a miscommunication, a Great White Shark ate America’s favorite seal, Renny, when they were placed in the same tank at New York City’s famous aquarium.

 There was not a dry eye in the nation when the news was televised, and John Smith could not allow fellow citizens suffer like that.  The images of crying American children were too much for his sensitive heart to handle.

After hearing the news, he wasted no time in jumping into the ocean and spent the next two weeks swimming around the world, ensuring that there would never again be a shark left that could kill America’s favorite anything.

When he returned and announced to the country what he had done for them, every man, woman and child let out a cheer that was heard around the world.  Candles were lit in every home that night in memory of the beloved Renny…

 

As he neared the Middle East, he called upon the seagulls to hoist him into the air and transport him to the oil fields.

When he arrived, the surprised forces guarding the precious resource began trembling.  They had always feared the day when this legendary being would appear on their land.  The stories of his deeds were renowned worldwide, and all knew that they would fall if they ever faced him in battle. 

After he roared and declared that he would take the oil, the owners of the oil fields ordered the troops to attack.

In a wild frenzy, the Arabs began shooting at John Smith, but the bullets bounced off his impenetrable skin.  Most of them even ricocheted and killed other defenders.  

As fate would have it, one of the bullets hit and burned a hole in John Smith’s American Flag bandana, and that’s when it was all over.  

John Smith, a man of few words, echoed throughout the region, “NEVER DISRESPECT THE FLAG!” bounded into the sky, pointed his machine gun-arm down at the ant-like enemy, and killed every last one.

After he landed, he began to suck the oil out of the ground and spit it out with impeccable accuracy into a hole dug out of Canada (long ago deemed a place that would only be useful as a storage facility for American resources).

When he finished, he grinned at his success and said to himself, “Another well-deserved victory for America.”

When he returned home, he received a hero’s welcome.  This was yet another reason why John Smith would be remembered as the greatest American that ever lived.

He spent the rest of his days making sure the United States would remain at the top of the world, and by the time of his death, America was the world.  All other countries and cultures had been eliminated and replaced by one that was vastly superior, the American one.