Dead Meat

i like super-short stories, like the kind with no character development or anything, just enough details to create a mood. so i tried my hand at writing one. what do you guys think?

 

Jimmy Gallows was crying as he was dragged out of the store. “Will you be quiet? Jesus, I can’t take you anywhere!” said the black-haired man, his right hand was tightly wrapped around Jimmy’s wrist. The cart pusher and an elderly Asian woman in the parking lot both stopped dead in their tracks and stared at him. The black haired man was suddenly ashamed. He smiled weakly at them and said to Jimmy, more kindly now, “If you’re nice and quiet and get in the car like a good little boy, we’ll stop at McDonald’s on the way home. Would you like that?” Jimmy, red-eyed and out of breath, gave the man a surprised look and slowly, ignorantly nodded. They continued out to the car. The black haired man didn’t want anyone thinking he was a bad father.

            Mrs. Gallows had finished her conversation with the friend she had bumped into by the deli counter and was now looking for Jimmy. Where had he run off to? “I can’t take my eyes off him for a minute,” she thought with exasperation.

Reviews

[Gabriella]

I think you did rather well with what you set out to achieve. It was entertaining, but I would have liked it a little more if there was more suspense in the first paragraph. That would be difficult to create, though.

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Snippets seem all the rage these days.

Subsequent edits could really make this shine. You could remove the passive voice and really get people close to the quick scene, I think.

I look forward to reading more!

[Drew Wade]

Well, I think you achieved your purpose. One thing I would say is that you could actually make it shorter, because it seems like there are some details that could be left out if you really want to keep it short and simple. Also, the ending is brilliant.