Improvement

hey i'm new to the site, first poem, let me know what you think. oh and i didn't know what to put this under so i went for "experimental", was that right? haha help the newbie out

 

The sun goes down and the stars come out

But there’s no hurry, the night’s for us

Sweet smell soft light warm air cool breeze

I slide my hand between your knees

Windows up head down breathe faster now

Moons yellow moons blue

It’s reflecting the light off you

Night tastes like a chemical burn

Harsh on throat but warm, so warm

Heads off distant now return tomorrow without a sound

I think that I’m all better now

 

Green eyes smile wide

They’re always watching you

They watch you move eat breathe sleep

They see through the foggy glass

Who you meet and what you drink

I think I’m getting better now

 

Black nails scratch glass

Pass out in damp grass

Reeking spitting crying swimming

My head and mouth, everyone out

Vomit, vomit, sun’s too bright

I’m surely getting better now

 

Shining walls reflecting me

Mirror mirror where is she

It hurts at first but dulls away

Hold my hand I’ll make you pay

I’m going to get better now

 

Squeeze it squeeze it I escape

Squeeze and I’ll get better now

Visions blurry but I see your face

I say goodbye and slip away

Let me go the job is done

I’m so close to being better now

 

I stumble slip and slide and fall

Rest my head on the toilet seat

Stain the porcelain, pretty thing

Familiar theme, to ruin things

The sun goes down and the stars come out

Hurry, there, I’m better now

 

Say what you want but I feel fine

I’m there, I’m gone, I’m better now

Author's Note

i'm not wild about the second stanza, if anyone has any suggestions about that part it would be appreciated. oh and i know there's like no punctuation, that's on purpose. thanks in advance

Reviews

[Kirby Lund]

To start with, if I'm totally off-topic with my assumptions, I apologize; that's my fault. The first stanza, from my interpretation, sounds like a woman giving a man oral sex in a car; this assumption is backed by the phrases "window up head down" and "They see you through the foggy glass." Who is "they?" An overprotective parent or guardian? I'm not sure what you could do about the second stanza, though you don't like it. Stanzas 3-7 seem like drug usage and then suicide--I think the suicide is easy to pick up, but the drug use isn't...I only think that because the narrator is "Reeking spitting crying swimming...Vomit, vomit, sun's too bright." I think it's very interesting the way you call the poem "Improvement," but the improvement, from the narrator's point of view, is death--that's a very Socratic premise. I also liked that you tied all the last lines together; that created a lot of tension in the poem--I'm not feeling the last two lines, though; they seem unnecessary. I'd like to see it end on "Hurry, there, I'm better now." It gives the reader an abrupt end to connect with the end of life. Hope this was helpful.

[Katy Otto]

I really like this,
the more I read it the more I like it.
I'm especially drawn to the last line of each stanza.
This Is an awesome piece!