Buttholes and open air vents

a review of a product I've never used

Zinus 14 Inch SmartBase Mattress Foundation/Platform Bed Frame/Box Spring Replacement/Quiet Noise-Free/Maximum Under-bed Storage

The Television Won't Be Televised Neither Will The Last of the Mohicans

I never made it as a working class hero. Actually, I never made much of myself, nope, not one positive acheivemet unless you count that one time I tripped up this old lady who was burdened with many a shopping bag. Man, to qoute jack nicholson in that one scorsese flick "She fell funny!" Ha! Bug I digress, I've gathered you all here to tell the tale of this Zinus 14 Inch SmartBase Mattress Foundation/Platform Bed Frame/Box Spring Replacement/Quiet Noise-Free/Maximum Under-bed Storage and not one word more or else or otherwise. It all began the other morning. I was washing a dish in the sink with some wadded up paper towels when I realized there had to be another way. I left the soaking wet dish in the sink and went outside to laugh at the children next door and to shoot their dreams down while yelling "Look out! Look out! Whoo!!!" Where is Richard Nixon when you need him? Oh, that's right, he's dead in the water like my limp dick. I CAN'T GET IT UP! I CAN'T! I WON'T! THE SPIRIT IS WILLING BUT THE BODY IS NOT! LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! I bought this under the influence of opiates, you know that the Krauts came up with herion as a morphin substitute, don't ya? What do you think about that? Hitler escaped to Argentina. I've read Mein Kampf, it was a silly s****y book with no pictures and that is big turn off in my book, pun intended. They shot johnny lennon and left him dying like a dog in the street while sir paul mccartney continutes to put out s****y records with his one legged wife on keyboards. The serfs are junk. I write these simple sentences because it makes me feel powerful and "in" touch with the pulse of that wierd, wild world out there. Robert Zimmerman aka Bobby Dylan enjoys the company of young boys and he wants to feel them inside him until the cows come home ALL OVER HIS FACE! Yes, I just said that! LOOK OUT! When this item arrived I delayed and pushed back the calendar on the fridge aways until I felt ready to assemble this  Zinus 14 Inch SmartBase Mattress Foundation/Platform Bed Frame/Box Spring Replacement/Quiet Noise-Free/Maximum Under-bed Storage thingofabob. Is that a real word? I don't care. If I cared much for my spelling I wouldn't be in business, now would I?! LOOK OUT! I looked out for the look out and watched the rust claim new country by those crossroads. What was I expected to do with this thing? I already had a bed frame that worked out perfectly for what little needs I had. "Video Will Play After Ad." There I was alone and with many a strong spirit to keep me company. I thought about phoning a friend but I figured that would only add to the confusion so I put the phone down and stared at the wall untiil it felt like I was staring at the sun until I went blind. LOOK OUT! I heard a knock at the door and put my good eye into the peephole and I saw a stranger. I unlocked the door, opened it and screamed "LOOK OUT!" at the person behind the curtain, they ran off like the rest of the stray kittie cats that block my exit each morning begging for food. As the would be salesman was running off I told him that I now owned a Zinus 14 Inch SmartBase Mattress Foundation/Platform Bed Frame/Box Spring Replacement/Quiet Noise-Free/Maximum Under-bed Storage and that I wasn't afraid to use it for ill gotten gains. That seemed to speed up his pace, his running away and I could tell that he now had second thoughts about leaving his future wife with all of their out of wedlock kids. LOOK OUT! When I set this product up I rolled alot of my shined shoes underneath it to test the waters a bit before I felt the need to nap. I woke up after a few hours or was it a few minutes? I don't know. LOOK OUT! Trouble comes in waves and hurricanes and world wide forest fires. Then there is the eternal doom that is the drive thru. By This!

Here's what others had to say about this product!

NNN50: I lost my keys.

BBbD: I found his keys.