Chapter Seven: Lost

I’m lost in my mind. I dream and need to be with her. I call out to her. It just doesn’t have any effect anymore. I need her.

Crossing the intersection I just picture, a car hitting me. I almost wish for it to happen. It’s not like I’m hoping I will die, more like I want to see how other people would react. I really just want to see who would come see me and actually care about me. And if I die, then I would be able to be with her.

You shouldn’t be afraid of the dark. Bad things happen in the dark but that’s predictable. It’s when things go bad in the light that should cause you to fear. It’s unpredictable and so much unexpected. So fear the times in the light, the good times, and live through the dark. If you don’t, your fantasy will crash into your reality and you will be stuck in-between, alone.

I need someone to save me from myself. I want to live but I don’t seem to know how to do it.

I fall asleep.

I wake up in a dark room. I slowly realize it’s a deadly looking police investigation room. A spot light turns on in front of me and illuminates a woman. I quickly realize who it is. Her long flowing red hair catches my eyes and makes it easy to know it’s my first love. She speaks. Tells me about all my short comings. All about my failures of my terrible life. Tells me about the lack of feelings she had for me. She delivers her final blow with telling me how naïve I was and still am. The light fades from her and she disappears. The next time it turns on. Now five lights are on with five chairs filled with past likes and loves. Two blondes, one brunette, and two black haired girls. They sit there all staring at me. Each one says their piece. “You weren’t my type and I have higher standards for myself.” “It was too soon for us, and you will never get that second chance.” “I maybe a w***e but not that bad to be with you.” “You want me fight for me, you have to be the aggressor, why are you stuck a wimp?” “I’m alone and I want someone, but not you.” Their words hit me like daggers. They all turn on me and go to strangle me. I can’t get away, just a bunch of arms pinning me down, on my legs and around my neck. The lights turn off and they are gone just like the one stands before me in the dark. I can’t see who it is. The light turns on again. No one is there at first. Then she walks up. She is always the last one, and always will be. She goes to talk but can’t.

I wake up.

I need someone to stop my destructive behavior. I build up the walls for my mind to protect my own feelings. I hate feeling like s**t.

I fall asleep again.

I enter my dream world but it feels different this time. It seems like I’m just watching a movie. I see her lying alone in bed. She is very sickly. She calls out for me, but I can’t reach or help her. So she pulls out a needle. Her eyes start to leak out tears.

I wake up.

I couldn’t figure out what all these nightmares were telling me. But this one may have told at least what happened to Madison near her end. I always thought it was strange in my mind that she knew what day she would end up dying. I just figured it was luck or really bad luck. But this latest nightmare told me differently. She wasn’t lucky; she just had the control to know the time because she was the one who would be ending it. If you don’t know what I mean, I’m saying is why my ghost is bound to this earth and to me, is she killed herself so she didn’t have to suffer or make me suffer. She just went off and got someone to give her or did it herself, the injections to have her eternal sleep.

I feel out of control in my path now. I’m a sheep with no Shepard. I had everything planned out with Madison. A nice five year plan with figuring out the schooling, the house, and even our kid’s name. I want that life so badly. But it all went down the drain the day she died. So I’m lost.

Reviews

[∂αʌ<..]

this swing between waking up and hanging in those nightmares again is greatly weel-done!
waiting for more...

[ErinLovesYou<3]

Ahh, the classic "Why?", "What could've been". Great job at portraying this. I liked it quite a bit actually.

[brenda]

this chapter really hits me and i feel the pain in this one really much nice write hope he feels better and things go his way:)