Chapter Six: Hardest part is waking up

Chapter Six: Hardest part is waking up.

I woke up in some dark place. I’m hanging chained up to a wooden beam. The smell of rotten eggs is in the air. I have no clue where I am. I try to focus, but my body and mind are beaten. I hang there for a few moments. I heard other chains rattling. I swing my body towards the sound. My body swings enough to see an outline of a woman’s body hanging. The red sky shows her to me. First thought in my mind is that it’s Hannah. I try to force on her. More and more I notice it’s not Hannah. This girl had dark black hair and was slightly slimmer then Hannah. I stare and stare till I realize who it is. It’s a girl I know from school named Amy. When I said earlier, that most of the town was religious, well she would be the exception. Her and her boyfriend Tommy, were the only ones to sin before Hannah and I. Amy and Hannah were best friends, so maybe that’s where Hannah got the idea of premarital sex from. I see that Amy is moving a little. I try to speak to her.

“Amy?”

No response, just a little flinch. I focus more and I can see that she is a little beaten too.

“Amy?”

A loud and hurt voice replies. “Tommy?”

“No, it’s John.”

“What? How did you get here? Where is Tommy?”

I look around the room. There is nobody but us two here.

“Those creatures bought me here. I don’t know where Tommy is. How did you get here?”

“Tommy and I were having sex at his parent’s home and then the sky turned red. And those things came when we were looting the general store. They must have bought us here.”

I go to reply but the door to the room stings open. One of those creatures comes in. It eyes me and speaks.

“So we couldn’t find your girl. Though there is someone in the church, but we unholy fiends can’t get in there. So you need to go get her.”

“Why?”

“Well I will cut both of us open and feed on your inners till you scream for the god that abandoned you here.”

“Ok but you have to promise to not kill her or her.” I point at Amy.

“Sure. We only need to eat one.”

“What?”

Three other creatures pull in a body and tie it to the table. I slowly realize its Tommy. So does Amy. She screams bloody murder. One of the creatures walks up and knocks her out. Another walks to me and unties me. It holds me and forces me to watch. The original creature turns to the body tied down and pulls out his knife. I notice that the creature has a knot on his head. It must be the one Hannah hit. The creature turns to me and warns me.

“If you don’t do what I say this will be you.”

He turns back to the body and plunges the knife into Tommy. The blood oozes out.  He screams. The creature digs it in deeper. And Tommy keeps screaming. I wish that wound would have killed him but no. Next the creature gathered around him and what they did next will corrupt my mind forever. The creatures dig at him eating the flesh of Tommy. Sadly Tommy was alive during most of it. They feed and feed on him till there is nothing but bones. The whole time I didn’t want to see it but I was forced. After it was over I threw up and they prepared me for my trip to the church.

Reviews

[∂αʌ<..]

choppyyyyyyyy!..lol...
too much choppy sentences which makes it as if you are rushing...slow down boy..there is no train to catch...describe everything...
i like horrors but details also are mouth-relishing sometimes!
:P

[Bailey C. Writing]

I try to force on her.
* I try to focus on her.
I read that and, my perverted mind was all O_O and then realized it was a typo xD
I heard other chains rattling.
*I start to hear other chains rattling, or I hear other chains rattling.
It was all written in present tense, then I saw some past tense and got a little confused o.o
Ugh, gruesome and I could see it happening, it was almost like watching a horror movie in my head. -grimace- Very good.

[Bellamorte]

You flick between tenses a bit. Like I said, it's good but needs more description. Narrative makes horror storied horrific.

[torments_scribe]

Well that was gruesome, haha. I think it would be a bit more powerful if you put a little extra time into John's reaction during Tommy's death. Really emphasize his horror and disgust so the reader feels it too. I think it loses a little something too, because I'm not familiar with Tommy and Amy so much. It doesn't make their situation as tragic to me. It would have been nice to see them at the beginning of the book maybe so I could have gotten to know them a little bit and feel a sense of their relationship. Other than that, you're still progressing good, but I think a little bit more emphasis on the emotional toll this is taking on John would really help a lot. Keep writing :)