Chapter Two: May 18th

Chapter Two: May 18^th

I roll to the other side of the bed, not facing her. I know I just committed a major sin, a great feeling sin at least. But needless to say I felt dirty in a way. I must go to confessional to try to save my soul from what I just did. I roll back over to face her. Hannah, a stunning and amazing black haired angel in my eyes. She grins. She seemed to enjoy the whole thing. She had wanted to do this with me for a long time. She was the closest person in my life, she was just my everything. We shared everything and had some much in common. We were soul mates. At least we sinned together. Well she had sinned like this a long time ago with someone else when we weren’t together. She always said that I put her back on the righteous path. I feel mixed about the whole thing, I know I really loved this girl but I’m told to wait till we get married to really have a chance to express it. Well I just jumped that one step now.

She leans over and kisses me. I feel at peace now when she did that. We stop and lock eyes. She speaks.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I’m glad we finally did this.”

“Me too.”

Just then my bedroom door gets opened. My mom walks in. Then release a blood rattling scream and points at Hannah.

“Get out of the bed and out of my house, you harlot.”

Hannah jumps out and runs to her clothes. My mom grows inpatient and screams out.

“Get dressed and get out.”

Hannah gets dressed and starts to head out. My mom turns to me and yells.

“You too and never come back, you sinner.”

I quickly get up and get dressed. I hesitate to leave but she hits me. So I grab Hannah’s hand and walk out. We head down the street. I’m completely scared. I know now for sure that sin does cost you, and I was only beginning to know. We head to Hannah’s house. We walk in silence, but we never stop holding each other’s hand. We arrive there but once we get to the door, she turns to me. She kisses me and says.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, I love you.” I smile. Then lean in to kiss her again.

She smiles and opens the door to the house. We got up to her room and lock ourselves in from the world. We quickly fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Hours later we get woken up by knocks at Hannah’s door. It’s her mother.

“Your father is downstairs, John.”

I get up and head downstairs. Hannah follows to support me if its needed. I see my dad and Hannah’s dad talking. Her parents were almost as strict as mine but they at least I and Hannah loved each other. Everyone’s face seemed like they knew what happened. I walk up to them picking up the ending of Hannah’s dad sentence.

“They will stay here.”

I arrive in front of my dad. He looks at me, with the most disgusted face ever. He drops a bag of clothes. I speak first.

“Is this all I’m getting?”

He turns away to leave and says the last things he will ever say to me.

“You are a disappointment. You’re lucky that you ever got that.”

Reviews

[Blue Moon Ice Cream]

A very fast-paced chapter, although you kept it interesting. His parents are crazy!

[∂αʌ<..]

too quickened...you didnt even went into details when the mother comes in...its too fast..slow down and explain it more carefully!

[Megan]

I think it does seem a little rushed, all that's happening in this peace. Them sinning, him getting kicked out from his parents house, them running to her house, them sleeping, them waking up and finding his dad there, and him finding out he would stay at her house, but I like the story behind it. Two soul mates trying to be together with strict parents disapproving, fits in with the judgment day idea. I think this sentence too, "We get up to our room and lock ourselves in from the world." To me, it makes them seem more like they are together, two souls with each other against everyone else who is against them.

[Bailey C. Writing]

Sorry about my review on the first chapter, I thought you yourself were worried about the whole "judgement day" and such...lol I'm lame...
That's so terrible though, I feel so bad for for this guy...

[Bellamorte]

What b******s. Can't wait to read the next chapter.

[Ashley]

wow what parents lol

[TheMizFit]

It's my problem, too... but you should watch out for you tenses. It's past then it's present. Anyways, I liked this! :) His parents were very strict. :O Very religious... And the mood feels like it's nearly judgement day. xD

[Balls:)]

derek this is just soo...
i like it :)
i love all the hostility the parents have, but only because it shows how judgemental they are and being so religous they sure are judgin. lol

kudos, derek, kudos :)

This is good. Compelling and very believable. Proof read for verb tense and some minor typos.

[TJ]

"I feel at peace now when she did that." make sure your tenses agree. It's clear you mean to tell this in present tense but you flip to past tense a couple times and here you do it mid-sentence. Present tense us very difficult so you gotta be careful if that's what you plan to use. The scene where the mother walks in on Hannah and John seems very rushed. I think there'd be a lot of shock initially and then a variety of emotions running through all three of them (embarrassment, fear, anger). I think you need to slow this scene down and explore that more. Also the use of the word harlot seems odd here, if you're going for that psycho religious feel you should say w***e, that's what's used in the bible mainly. All in all I really liked this piece. I think you're doing a great job really fleshing out these characters and making me care about what happens to them. Just try not to rush though the scenes. Good work!