Chapter Three: Memories

this chapter written by Amber Eve Surdam

Chapter Three: Memories

 

Damn, I swore for the seventh time. Why did I go and do that? I probably went and killed the guy. Well, why do I care? No one never really cares for me anyway. Damn, I thought again. I pulled my key from my back pocket and unlocked the front door of our apartment. The door opened easily as I pushed it open. The lights were off. That was strange.

“Hey, anybody home?”

Silence hovered.

I walked into the house and slowly shut the door behind me. Throwing my bag to the side, I folded my arms across my chest and thought. Mom was usually home by now. My so-called father usually was in his room because he came home before mom. I stepped over to a lamp, carefully making sure I didn’t bump into anything. Switching on the lamp, I noticed the blinds were shut.

“What the hell?” I murmured. “Where did everything go to?”

I surveyed the room and saw that my parents’ stuff was gone. Everything except for the furniture had disappeared. I moved through the room and went into the dining room. A piece of paper sat on top of the kitchen table.

I chuckled, for my parents disappearing they made sure to leave me a note. How decent of them? I made for the paper and picked it up. Quickly scanning the note, I read:

 

Mars,

 

I know you don’t like me calling you that, but I guess you noticed we are not there. I’m sorry, but we had to leave. I can’t tell you much but someone came to visit us today; the only thing I can tell you is that he wore a strange blue ring on his finger. If I tell you anymore, they’ll kill us.

 

Mom

 

“Damn…” I said angrily. They didn’t trust me to protect them? I walked into the kitchen and strode over to the refrigerator. Opening the door, I looked inside. At least, they left me food. I grabbed a Pepsi and an already made sandwich and slammed the door.

 

Lying on my bed, I gazed up at the ceiling. It was midnight. No one has come home. I was alone. I couldn’t help but think back to the night I asked my mom the question that had been bugging me ever since I was a child. My parents seemed to always be afraid of me. But I never really understood.

I closed my eyes and allowed the bitter memories to overflow my consciousness.

 

“Are you afraid of me?”

She said nothing. And then asked, “Mars, why are you asking me that?”

“It’s a simple question. I promise I will not get angry, Mom.”

“Well, you sometimes do scare me.”

“That’s all I wanted to hear. Makes me feel special that my own mother fears me.”

“But, Mars…”

“No, it’s fine. You can go now. I want to be alone. You don’t have to be afraid of me; I am not going eat you.”

“You were always the most alarming when it was night.” She whispered as the door shut behind her.

 

I groaned as I opened my eyes. Thinking about that one particular memory always put me in a bad mood. I gazed at my window and saw that the window was open and a full moon was out - another night alone just what to be expected. 

Reviews

[StarNinja]

Silence hovered? I didn't know silence could hover....
Leave it to Amber Eve to invent new turns of phrase. Also, what's with this guy and his nebulous relationship with his parents? I know teenagers don't get along with their parents, but this doesn't strike me as what you two are going for. If John suspects that his parents aren't his real parents, like adopted parents, than this wouldn't be the way he addresses it. Dare I say it, it almost sounds forced. I mean, I understand what’s going on. You’re setting us up for the big reveal that John’s parents… spoiler alert…. aren’t his real parents! Gasp! Unfortunately, the way it’s written right now it feels like you're hitting us over the head with it.
And what’s with the mom’s note? I mean… just… huh? What? Who writes like that? For one thing it’s too long for a hastily written note. These men may try to kill us if we mention any more details, all I can say is blah blah blah blah. It’s too long! It’s too professional! It’s like she left him a reminder that there’s pasta in the fridge and don’t stay up too late. It’s a tension killer is what it is. I’m putting my money down right now that John’s parents are actually robots. Normal people don’t act this way.
The detail about John not liking his nickname isn’t necessary either. If it’s that important, have John mention it in his head, but don’t have the mother put it in her hastily written note. It makes no sense! Here, read this and see how it sounds:

The note was addressed to me, but as always it read, Mars.
“Ugh, I hate that nickname…” thought John.

See? That would have been fine. But not this. No one writes notes like this. No one! And while we’re on the subject of unnatural behavior, what is up with John’s reaction to the note? Where’s the worry? Where’s the desperate fear that he may not see his parents ever again because they were taken away by men who could potentially kill them? No, instead we’re told that he’s angry because they didn’t trust their beefy 18 year old son to protect them from said men, even though he wasn’t there at the time. What? What’s wrong with this kid? It sounds to me like this kind of thing is a weekly occurrence if his reaction to his parents being kidnapped by strange men with blue rings is mild annoyance. If that’s not the case, please think about rewriting mom’s note to John and John’s reaction to said note.

Well I hope you enjoyed this edition of StarNinja’s constructive criticism corner. Keep writing and you’ll keep getting better! Good luck!

Excellent chapter. The tone grows gradually and then is set "silence hovered" Like a ghost in the dark waiting to pounce! Cool!

[Vanessa Rico]

Another suspenseful chapter! I love the mystery that is going on here and that is what keeps me reading. All right here is some constructive criticism, which in no way is negative...I believe that constructive criticism is important to becoming a better writer.
1. What we love about the ancient gods was their human side. Their ability to feel human emotions and thus that caused many issues. Remember the Trojan War? That all start with a beauty contest between Aphrodite, Hera, and Athena. They were vain...they had humanity. That being said...I still am not in love with the Mars character, because he does not seem to have any redeeming qualities or humanity in him.
2. As for a chapter this is short. Most chapters are 2500 to 5000 words. Stop take a break and describe the room. Embellish and really sell your story. I believe you have the mystery factor down...which is why I am reading. I think you can take this story from being GOOD to AWESOME! If I didnt believe this I would not take time out to read and write a lengthy review. I believe in you guys, because you both are talented.
3. The other piece of advice I can give you is one I live by. READ, READ, READ, and WRITE, WRITE, WRITE. Ready all genres and distinguish the many types of writing styles...and write til your hand falls off...that is the only way you can become better!
Much love to you both...and again I was not trying to be harsh but to give you advice to make this story blow everyone's mind!

[Bailey C. Writing]

Aw, I feel bad that his own mother was afraid of him.
The note the mom wrote seemed a little...I don't know, forced or rushed? I don't know how to explain it. I know it was supposed to be written rushed in the story but you writing it, it seemed rushed...
The chapter was good though, you have a good suspense going :)

[CharlesMonroe]

I agree...I'm getting anxious :3 I feel so bad for the guy >.

[Balls:)]

... oh my...
wow, im getting anxious.
this is great. :)

Fantastical Job :)