Chapter One: Death

I’m dead. Simply put I was killed when the world went to s**t. The end of the world started off slowly. A couple of diseases spread and killed a few thousands. It was truly terrible but our greatest scientists fixed them. Many thought the government spread them to population control the growing number of immigrants. But the government of course denied all involvement but whatever, that was just the first step of downfall. Then the weather had some destructive changes, five major hurricanes hit all around the United States. The whole east and southern coast was in disarray. The government stepped in to help solve that problem too.  In other states, the murder rate, especially strange crimes, grew to all new highs. I personally saw a lot of it on the mean streets of Chicago.

My name was Colt Brown.  I grew up in small town outside of Chicago. It was a very religious town where my parents were very strict on me. It was like that till one day my father, a preacher, killed my mother just because. No one ever knew why, it seemed he loved her dearly. He disappeared after that. I was shipped to my uncle’s in Chicago and I was raised there under way more freedom. Soon after high school I went to the police academy. I married my high school sweetheart, a beautiful doll of a woman named, Lauren. Now about nine years later, I’m in my second year of being a detective at the 15^th precinct. But Lauren could never deal with my long hours. So she left me, but didn’t leave me alone. She left me, my beautiful daughter, Lilly. We shared Lilly but I know I was her favorite. She was eight when I was killed. I miss her so much. The day I died, I was supposes to pick her up from her mother’s. It was a terrible world when I left.

 Well let me show and tell you the year before I died. The first case for me that showed that the world was going to hell was about one year before I died. It was my first case where I was the lead. What a hell of a first case. I and my partner, Chip Rogers, got to the scene. We found something that would change the course of the rest of my life. We walk in to find a body that was eaten. Really it was only an outline of a body and there were only bones left when we found it. A little human flesh was still on the bones. We were dumbfounded on how a wildlife animal could get into a suburb apartment. There was sign of a break in but that was it. We had no leads, no ideas on what happened at first. A week later, we found another one. And the week after that, and so on and so on. We found a total of fourteen eaten bodies. On number fourteen, we caught a break. A camera picked a guy leaving the place. The strange part was the guy on the tape had glowing eyes. That’s when it sank in for me.

Could it really be one? No way, they aren’t really. I was a huge supernatural and paranormal reader and I remember what thing had glowing eyes. Ghouls.

It's really hard to say where the ghoul lore originated from. Islamic folklore and Arabian folklore talk about it. Ghouls are believed to be a type of demon which feeds and gets its superhuman strength by eating the inners of the human bodies. The human can be living or dead when feeding occurs. Ghouls normally dwell in burial grounds or desert places. But they have been known to travel around to find whatever food they could. The key to their survival is their ability to shape shift.  They can assume the disguise of an animal or their human victim. With this, it’s easier to slay and devour other humans. But the weird part was normally they don’t eat live humans.

Reviews

[Blue Moon Ice Cream]

I noticed a couple places where you switched tenses--everything else was in the past tense except for these sentences: "Now about nine years later, I’m in my second year of being a detective at the 15th precinct." "I was a huge supernatural and paranormal reader and I remember what thing had glowing eyes."

Otherwise, this idea sounds like death and gore and horror stuff, but it doesn't come through too strongly in the chapter. Where you're describing the ghouls' victims, it's kinda flat. Lots of passive verbs--had, was, etc. More active and disgusting verbs would help. There are a lot of passive verbs throughout the story, but I'd focus on eliminating some of them in the ghoul part if possible, or just firming up the language.

I really liked the opening couple of paragraphs, though. Apart from the grammatical errors/typos, it's a good intro to Colt and from what we know of him, I like him. He seems like a pretty well-rounded character.

[Brantwijn]

A good start, and a good supernatural creature to pick on. I don't think ghouls get enough screen time. This is a nice start to your book!

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good opening chapter. You got my attention with the strong introduction in this chapter. I like the diet of a Ghosts. The storyline is very good and I like the character. I will keep reading. A excellent opening chapter.
Coyote

[TKBickel]

Caught my attention. I will be reading more. Looks like you already have some great advise. Kokorain has a good eye.

[♋ Iris ♋]

Really good so far. Cant wait to read more. The fact that this story is about a detective and has supernatural phenomena in the first chapter, I am already hooked. Good opening chapter to pull in readers if they are into this sort of thing.

[Tegon Maus]

Derek... give me a little more detail... show me, don't tell me... "We walk in to find a body that was eaten. Really it was only an outline of a body and there were only bones left when we found it. A little human flesh was still on the bones." Condense it a little try... “We walked in to find a half eaten body, little more than bones with bloody scraps of flesh that formed its outline.” I like where you're going.

[Alana McGuire]

This is really neat. And you have a good starter sentence that will catch someone's attention and make them want to continue reading. I agree that there could be more description and longer sentences, but it's definitely not bad as is.
Thank you for the read request. It's my kind of read. :)

[Arielle Ann]

the plot was gripping you know...but you could add a bit more imagery and details...and yes as your reviewer named kokorain says:there are a few grammar/tense errors...otherwise a great opening to a gripping tale :)

[LeaflessTree]

Ah I like this. Same with me, I write a lot of good romance and I NEVER read romance besides the twilight series. :D

[patricia]

Starts off to the point, plenty of action, good fill in of background brought in.
The line UNDER WAY MORE FREEDOM ..confused me. I got it eventually.
Loved the Islamic folklore sentence.
Very good chapter. I will review more soon unless it gets too scary, I don't read, violence or horror I'm squeamish...but am coping up to now.
Thanks.