Did I Lose You Yet?

Did I lose you yet?

I'm sorry if I have. 

Its just I have so many thoughts. 

So many ideas. 

So many dreams. 

That I just hope they relate to one another. 

So when I share them with you. 

It all seems to go hand & hand. 

I hope this doesn't turn you away. 

Because I wouldn't know how. 

To be able to get you to turn around. 

I don't have a lot. 

I only have me. 

In a world of billions of people. 

I only have me. 

So please, bear with me. 

If I'm doing everything I can. 

Why does it seem. 

That I still come up short. 

Do you only remember. 

Who I used to be. 

Is that what makes you weary. 

Even though the me you see now. 

Is who I'm fighting to be. 

Why is it so hard for you?

Better yet why do you need it so?

The relationships you strive for. 

Are ones of fairy tales though. 

Something I can never strive for. 

Not because I don't want to. 

But because when I look to forever. 

I want it to be always. 

Not just because being a couple is in. 

Or princesses on shows live happy. 

But for substance. 

For 2.5 kids. 

For forever & always. 

Always & forever. 

I hope I haven't lost you. 

Because this just the beginning. 

I have so much more s**t to say. 

A lot of the kids I grew up with. 

Have or are having kids of their own. 

It shows me that life moves fast. 

Affecting any & everyone. 

To the girls who are now moms. 

Raising their own alone. 

Because they figured boys. 

Would let go of childish things. 

Once they saw their own child. 

I commend you. 

You never thought to trap. 

He just got you to believe. 

In everything he spoke. 

From the I love yous. 

To the Ill always be here's. 

Followed by the you can trust mes. 

But once the sex was over. 

Revealing no periods. 

Revealing a bigger stomach. 

Revealing new life. 

The I love yous. 

Became just you. 

The always be here's. 

Became until things got heavy. 

The trust mes. 

Became all lies. 

But you realized. 

That life handed you these cards. 

Well better yet you made the choices. 

Which now are making you play your hand. 

For your little one. 

Because now you don't just think for one. 

You are thinking for two. 

I hope I haven't lost you yet. 

Because I'm not done with this topic just yet. 

I have some more s**t to say. 

To the boys who became men. 

I tip my hat to you.

For being there for your own. 

Even if you couldn't find the right tool. 

That could fix the relationship. 

Between you & their mom. 

You are there. 

To have them recognize. 

Your gentle touch. 

You are there. 

To have them recognize. 

Your voice in a room. 

You are there. 

To just change a diaper. 

I can't say that enough. 

Because once I have my first child. 

No matter the circumstances. 

I will always be there.

So to my dad. 

My heart goes out to you. 

Because if I can be 1 percent. 

Just 1 percent. 

Of how you are with me. 

Then I will never feel less than enough.  

That's what makes me believe. 

That the kids I grew up with. 

Don't really have it too bad. 

Well their kids don't anyways. 

Because the saying babies are expensive. 

Is just a saying. 

Babies are & will always be. 

Unconditional love. 

Which money can never compare to. 

I hope I haven't lost you yet. 

Because I have a little more s**t to say. 

To the boys who remained boys. 

I hope you didn't think I would forget about you. 

I don't understand. 

I can't understand. 

How when you hold your child. 

When you feel their little hand around your finger. 

When you see their eyes open for the first time. 

When you see the you inside someone new. 

That you created. 

That you made the choice to conceive. 

Wither you were careful or not. 

How can you not want to be there?

What does your heart feel?

Is it capable of being cold towards someone so innocent. 

Are you able to live with that fact?

That you are going to be the first thing. 

That makes your child see the world as what it is. 

Losing their innocence for who knows how long. 

Maybe even forever. 

Where their choosing to be as you. 

With their own offspring. 

But let's go back to you. 

If your father was never there. 

What kind of control did it have on you?

Did it pain you to corrupt. 

Or did it pain you to rebuild?

I hope I haven't lost you yet. 

Because I have so much more s**t to say. 

Abuse. 

Its so surreal to me. 

I can't believe that it happens. 

Then again I can. 

Because its proven. 

In the news. 

Its internet official. 

Hell, its even seen in the eyes. 

Of someone who isn't able to break free. 

Verbal & physical. 

Not one is worse than the other. 

Thinking about it more. 

I think of the one who abuses. 

I wonder.

Just exactly where your mindset is.

What reality are you apart of. 

That makes you feel its right. 

To place your hands & words. 

Upon your love ones. 

Do you not feel guilt?

Do you believe God approves?

Do you even believe in him?

Because I know his heart is broken. 

Every time you break a leg. 

Bruise an arm. 

Shatter a spirit. 

It is not okay. 

It never will be. 

I hope that my words can relate. 

To the one who created the word. 

I hope they thought carefully. 

In choosing such a word. 

That by its sound makes hearts shiver. 

I'm here for you. 

The ones who can't get out. 

Also to the ones who have. 

I'm here to break a pattern. 

I'm here to make old habits die hard. 

I hope I haven't lost you yet. 

Because I have so some more s**t to say. 

To those who question life. 

Wondering why, why, why?

Where you created. 

If you were going to go unnoticed. 

If you were going to be tormented. 

If you were going to never feel love. 

I'm here to tell you. 

That life gets better. 

I promise you. 

S**t gets better. 

It may not be tomorrow. 

Or even a week from now. 

But it will.

In the form of a smile. 

From a stranger on the street. 

In the form of a helping hand. 

From a group partner in school. 

In the form of a letter. 

From someone like me. 

So until then. 

I need you to know. 

I need you to believe me. 

That when I say I love you. 

I mean it with everything in me. 

No matter. 

If I've known you for my 19 years of living. 

Or only for 9 days. 

I love you. 

I hope I haven't lost you yet. 

Because I have one more thing to say. 

Tragedy. 

For some reason. 

It will always bring us closer. 

In ways no one wants. 

But everyone needs. 

To be able to realize. 

Life is short. 

One minute you are here. 

The next you never know. 

So cherish one another. 

Be thankful for one another. 

Be kind to one another. 

Because once the other is gone. 

Don't let their death be the reason you return. 

You'll never forget.  

What you once said you'll never forgive. 

To the ones who have left us. 

From the celebrities. 

To the teens shot just for being there. 

Or just the friends we saw around Christmas. 

I wish you only peace. 

Because we will never be able to.

Now that you are gone. 

Thank you. 

For bearing with me.