Morning of November 26, 2008

somedays, i just cant believe what i dream.

HE was there in my dreams, my best friends boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend. HE was holding, comforting me, joking and accompanying me. I could smell him, see him, feel him, and once… I could taste him, just one quick kiss was all it was, yet I remembered him as though the last one was merely hours ago, not almost two years.

I have not dreamt like this in about a year, I have not yearned for his touch, his companionship, his smell, his sense of humor, his awful jokes, and those bits of information I didn’t really want to know, I haven’t wanted those things in over a year. The feelings were gone, we were friends, that’s it, and yet this dream comes back and I have been dieing to know what he’s up to, what he looks like now, how he is, and even all those little things that I don’t want to know. I don’t understand it.

How awful of a friend must I be? To want something back that is not mine but her’s? They belong together, they are nearly perfect for and with each other, and yet part of me wishes maybe there was some secret desire he had for me, some part of me he still wants after all this time. How damn lousy of a friend must I be to want this? I love her. I care about him and part of me still wants what I used to have with him.

If I could go back and not break up with him, I would, even knowing what I know now, even seeing how happy she is with him, I would go back and not let him go, I would keep him and give him all he wanted to keep him. The worst words I have ever read were “I think I’m finally over her” a few months after I broke up with him. He didn’t even tell his mother for almost 2 months after we ended.

But honestly, what the hell is wrong with me? That I want his touch, his kisses, his jokes, his voice, all to myself and would take it from the one person that kept me alive last year, just for my own desires…. I just don’t understand myself.

Author's Note

i dreamt of my ex, i wanted him still... but yeah, so what do you think? as part of my life wanna offer some things for me to think about or anything cuz i really need it right about now.... anything you have to say would be amazing.

Reviews

[Dustin Chang]

But I do understand you. I've been there. As we all know human relationships are complicated. It took me a long time to get over a relationship. But time does its job. Sometimes there are flashbacks- good ones mostly as it's natural for us to remember good memories and suppress bad ones. Always intimate write. I love it. I wish I have a courage to be that frank with my writing.