Sorry

my mind was allowed to run wild...

“Honey,” he says with a sly smile as his hand slides to the top of my shorts.

I feel his weight on top of me, pressing me into the bed. I feel the need in me to give in, but fear of inadequacy keeps my actions in check. I recoil from his touch, not thinking it possible, not realizing I could still push myself into the bed more than I am. “I cant,” I whisper, my eyes pleading for him to know he just needs to assure me that I can, that I will be fine.

His smile never falters as he moves away from me, the love flowing from his eyes and his understanding from his lips as he kisses my forehead, “It’s okay,” he smiles standing up, “I have a surprise for you anyway.”

Internally I scream to go back, to take what I did and said back, I can do this, I want this, let me have it. Stupid self-esteem, let me have this one thing I want.

From his pocket he pulls something out, hiding it in his hand, and with the other beckons me forward. I stand and meet him in the middle of his room, amidst the mess that has come to be my second home, his books and CDs, his guitar and his discarded clothes.

Taking my left hand he slips a ring on my finger, panic rushes through my hand up to my arm and my heart hammers hard and meaningful within my rib cage, this isn’t happening, it cant be happening.

“Will you be mine forever?” he asks, and part of me wants to pull forward and scream yes, yes forever and ever, but then the part of me that realizes he doesn’t quite know how to read me, doesn’t know how to understand when I need a bit of a shove into something new. Things I may never do because he may never push me to do them, how long would it take for us to have sex, would he ever push me into letting others see my art, and read my writing, probably not, its not who he is.

I glance down at the ring, a delicate silver band, with intricate designs imprinted all around it, clearly unique, clearly hand made. He knows what I like, he knows I like things made by a person, little imperfections scattered among the nearly perfect.

I swallow and everything shoots through my mind again. I cant do this, I want it but something still isn’t right, I don’t feel that reckless need, or that over whelming desire. I shake my head, slipping the ring from my finger, something catches my eye, “may the wall tumble down” inscribed within the band, a tear falls, a line right from one of my poems, yet I realize he doesn’t fit it, its not right. “This can’t be, something isn’t quite right, something is off, I cant do this.” I drop the ring in his unsuspecting hand and walk away. I walk away from something I want so much, but it doesn’t fit that need I feel quite right, and I refuse to settle anymore.

Author's Note

... i have been trying to branch out, any thoughts on it?

Reviews

[CLUTZ]

good. sad, but true. sometimes things aren't quite right with the person you want so badly. i feel for the girl in the story, but i'm happy that she is strong enough to say she can't settle, won't settle. very nice.

[The Mad Prophet]

I have more personal advice this time. It seems you have problems motivating yourself. You want something, but have a hard time expressing your wants. Meditation helped me over come a lot, I willingly fought back my inner demons just to start dating a girl I really like. It is Will that you need, and a focus determination of your goal. Express you need shoved, not everyone knows you liked to be pushed. Express what he should expect, and if he does, reward him by taking the ring.

Very well done story.