Better

Jesse has had a rough time with love; maybe too rough to take another chance, but when Aadon comes along, he thinks maybe there's hope. When the past comes calling, Jesse has to decide just what it is he wants now, and whether or not he's as close to reco

 

“His name is Aadon.” Sarah leaned close and whispered the information in Jesse’s ear.

 

He shifted his shoulders in the unconscious gesture of shrugging off her nearness. In the close, quiet confines of the library’s take-out counter, her breath on his neck was unwelcome.

 

She settled back on one of the high stools lining the other side of the counter, but he could still feel her eyes on him. “You’re staring.”

 

“Shhh.” He frowned at her and went back to sorting books, dropping them onto the shelves of his cart with thumps that carried enough to make a few heads rise in irritation.

 

She only grinned. “And drooling.”

 

Jesse scowled at her more fiercely. “Shhh!”

 

“I’m just saying.”

 

“Well, who wouldn’t drool?” he admitted finally. “Look at him.” The man in question sat in the nearest cubicle along the wall, his back to the sea of heavy wooden tables stretched down the center of the room.

 

“I would.” She shrugged and her attention went back to the book she had spread open on the counter in front of her. “But I hear he’s gay as a hatter.”

 

“That’s mad as a hatter.”

 

“Whatever.” But she grinned down at her text. She was probably thinking he hadn’t shown interest in anyone in too long. She was right. He hadn’t.

 

The next half hour he spent watching the blonde’s head bent over his books and the big, sure hands taking notes and drinking coffee from a paper cup. The soft mummer of voices from the tables and the background hum of the old fluorescent lights made him feel at home.

 

“Well, Sweetie, I have to run.” Sarah slapped her book closed but all the muffling wood and carpet and the low ceiling above their heads swallowed up the sound. She scooped it off the counter and rose up onto the rungs of her perch. “I’ll see you when you get off?” Jesse nodded. “Hello?” Sarah’s fingers snapped at him, and he turned to receive the hug she leaned over the counter to deliver. “You need to come back to earth, Jess.” He blinked at her. “He’s too much. Probably sleeps with anything that moves.”

 

“Don’t judge. You don’t know him.” His eyes drifted back to the big man’s back.

 

“Neither do you.” She pulled his head around by the chin until he was facing her. “And I’m here to tell you, even if he was perfect, you don’t have the guts.”

 

She was probably right. Jesse stuck his tongue out at her anyway. “Says you.” She only grinned at him, tapped his cheek affectionately, and hurried out of the library.

 

He turned back to look at the object of discussion, only to find deep blue eyes turned on him. Had they been talking too loud? Had he heard them discussing him? He swallowed the sudden, quivering lump in his throat and nodded slightly. Aadon smiled at him, baring teeth and showing dimples, and the lump was back.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

A book shushed across the counter and Jesse whirled. A man stood where Sarah had a moment before. Freckles cascaded down his nose, across his cheeks and down his bare arms, even sprinkled across the backs of his hands as he spread an array of books in front of him. “Can I sign these out please?”

 

Heat rose up to Jesse’s cheeks at being caught so obviously spellbound by a stranger, but the man just smiled. “Don’t worry about it.” He pushed a thatch of red hair out of his eyes. “He’s worth looking at. My girlfriend is in his ethics class, and she barely takes a note.” Jesse laughed. “I’d be jealous if I didn’t know he’s firmly in your camp.”

 

“Am I that obvious?” Trying to hide the blush behind the plastic rim of his coffee cup, Jesse sipped at the cold brew inside and picked up one of the books.

 

“Let’s just say Aadon and I go back a long way, and he hasn’t fallen for a straight guy since we were thirteen and he tried to get me to pull his taffy.”

 

Jesse almost snorted coffee out his nose. “Pull his taffy? That’s one I haven’t heard before.”

 

The man grinned at him and held out his hand. “I’m Leo, by the way.”

 

Jesse shook his hand, noticing heavy calluses on his palms and his firm grip. “Jesse.”

 

“Oh, I know.”

 

Jesse blinked in surprise. “You do?”

 

Leo smiled, and Jesse found the expression less than comforting. “I do.” He nodded his head at Aadon’s back.  “He’s had you under observation for a while now.”

 

Again Jesse blinked. “He has?”

 

“You sound surprised.”

 

“Why wouldn’t I? Look at him. We’re not exactly in the same league.”

 

Leo flicked his eyes from Jesse’s face down his body and back up again. “I don’t know what league you think you’re in, but I assure you, even I can see what Aadon sees, so I would hardly count myself out of the game if I were you. Besides, you have that whole mysterious never-seen-with-a-boyfriend thing going for you, which is plenty to catch Aadon’s attention all by itself.”

 

Jesse’s breath caught. How did they know he didn’t have a boyfriend?

 

But Leo shrugged and backed away from the counter, loaded down with books and a slight grin on his face. “All I know? I plan on seeing a lot more of you before the semester’s out.”

 

With that he was gone, leaving Jesse to watch the door swing closed and wonder what he meant by it.

 

Jesse turned his attention back to his stack of returns and began signing them in. for a while, he lost himself in his thoughts, the rhythmic beeping of the bar scanner and the motion of opening, scanning, closing and stacking the books. When he thought to look back to where Aadon was sitting, the blond man was gone, only a neat pile of books left on the corner of the table.

 

Sighing, Jesse went to pick them up, reading the spines as he wandered back behind the counter. They were books on the history of the judicial system, mostly. That meant Aadon was pre-law. Again Jesse sighed, because Sarah had been right. Aadon was way out of his league.

 

“How ‘bout a little service here?”

 

The question, spoken in a soft, teasing tone, made Jesse looked up to see Aadon’s indigo-coloured eyes smiling at him. Hastily, he dumped his armload of books on the cart and approached the counter, only to be cut off by his boss’s grim frown and the Old Battle Axe herself taking up a position in front of the sign out computer.

 

“Hello, Aadon. I see you’ve taken to studying on weekends too, then? This is the third weekend in a row you’ve come in. I thought you were strictly a weeknight researcher.”

 

“Unlike you, Miss Crandall, I need my beauty sleep.” He nodded in Jesse’s direction. “I see you have new help.”

 

Crandall barely acknowledged the flippant flattery, or Jesse. “He’s coming along, I suppose.”

 

She opened each of Aadon’s books, scanning them one at a time, not taking her eyes from the bar codes except to glance at the computer screen to her right.

 

“Well.” Aadon looked at Jesse and smiled. “The place has a completely different atmosphere on weekends. I like it.”

 

Jesse felt his face heat up even as he watched Crandall turn her sharp, pinch-lipped smile on Aadon.

 

“Suit yourself.” She handed him the books. “Odds are you’ll be in here every day before long. You’ve chosen a hard row to hoe.”

 

The smile Aadon returned the old librarian was nothing but charm and sweetness. “I think I will manage, Miss Crandall. After all, I have your wonderful establishment to help me along.” He winked at her, picked up his armload of books, turned and sauntered out the door.

 

“That boy,” Crandall muttered, even as Jesse was watching his hips dip and slant out of the building. “You have to watch a boy like that, Jesse.”

 

Jesse hid a smile behind a ducked head and his long black bangs. 

 

“You have to be careful around boys like that. You never know what they are after.”

 

Jesse was fairly certain he knew what Aadon was after, but said nothing. 

 

“Boys like that.”

 

She continued to mutter as she wandered off into the stacks, pushing the cart of returns ready for reshelving. Jesse wanted to stick his tongue out at her back. It was a childish and useless gesture. People like her never cared to change their attitudes. He wanted to tell her, every time she commented--he was a boy like that. But he needed this job. His rent was already overdue, and his hours were sketchy to begin with. There was no point alienating the old bat. He just waved away the lingering stench of her perfume and pulled another cart of returns over to the computer.

 

 

That week, Jesse got more studying done than he had in the entire previous semester. He went every night, books under his arm for cover, but never saw Aadon once. It meant he knew what he was doing Friday on his Anthro test, but not even catching a glimpse of Aadon disappointed him just the same.

 

On Saturday, rather than getting up, shaving, showering and dressing practically on his way out the door, late for work, he was up just past dawn. He did shave and shower, then spent the next half hour staring at the contents of his closet in dismay. He had to pick something, though. He couldn’t show up with a threadbare Eyore towel wrapped around his waist, so he pulled on black jeans and a Death Cab t-shirt, decided the dark tones were too stark against his pale skin, and reached for the blue jeans and a cotton sweater that was the exact right golden brown to match his eyes. Then he spent an hour on his hair, wet it down twice, and it was wet again when Sarah knocked and let herself into his apartment.

 

“What are you doing?” She watched from the doorway, peering over the pink ceramic rim of her coffee mug, as he fussed.

 

“Getting ready for work, what does it look like?”

 

“It looks like you’re having a nervous breakdown.” She came into the room and sat down behind him.

 

His shoulders slumped, and he let the hairbrush clatter into the sink.

 

“I am.”

 

“Stop trying so hard, Sweetie. You’re fine. He’s been watching for a month now, and you never did anything special to attract his attention.”

 

Jesse peered at her through the mirror. “You sure? I look ok?”

 

“You look fine.” She stood from her perch on the edge of the tub and pulled the hair out of his face. “You look perfect.”

 

“OK.” With a deep breath, he left the bathroom and went to the door, pulling on his sneakers and grabbing his bag.  “Let’s go.”

 

She stood just outside the bathroom door.

 

“What?” he demanded the door already pulled half open.

 

“You’re not really going to wear those shoes, are you?”

 

“Umm,” he looked down at his feet. “No?”

 

“No.”

 

She pushed the mug into his hand and left him standing there while she disappeared into his room. He heard the sound of his closet door scraping open, and her rummaging in the bottom, then she came back with a pair of brown loafers he’d forgotten he owned. “Put these on.”

 

“They’re dress shoes.”

 

“And they’ll look killer with that outfit.” He tilted his head, unconvinced. “Trust me.”

 

“Fine, fine.” He toed off the sneakers and replaced them with the dress shoes. The polished leather poking out from under his jean cuffs looked smart.

 

“See? Auntie Sarah knows what she’s talking about.”

 

Jesse nodded. “So she does.” He shot her a grateful smile. “Thanks.”

 

“You know me.” She took back the mug. “Always willing to help you get yourself out there.” His smile thinned a little with the realization he was actively trying to get another man’s attention and her left eye narrowed a tiny fraction. “Listen, honey, it’s not going to be like last time.”

 

“You don’t know that.”

 

“Any more than you know it will be. You have to at least try, don’t you?”

 

He nodded. She was right. It was time to try again. It wouldn’t be like last time. He shuddered at the memory. Nothing could be as bad as last time.

 

Jesse waited and watched all day. No Aadon. Maybe he had lost interest after all. He spent the last hour re-shelving books in the stacks and feeling sorry for himself and his blistered feet. He had pushed the last book on Chinese history back into its place when he heard the door open. He glanced at his watch.

 

“You’d better know what you want,” he called. “I’m closing up in ten minutes.” He didn’t really care if he sounded irritable. He felt irritable. He’d skipped his lunch break, worried Aadon would come and go while he was out eating, so not only was he hungry, but he felt like an idiot as well, just for caring that much whether or not he saw the man again.

 

“Oh, I have a pretty good idea what I’m after.” Jesse froze. He’d heard Aadon speak just that once, to the librarian, but it was impossible not to remember the buttery smooth voice.

 

“I, um.” Jess wiped suddenly sweaty palms down his jeans and turned. Aadon leaned against the end of the stack, arms folded across his chest, a wide smile making his eyes crinkle and his teeth show. “Well, maybe I can help--”

 

“Not interested in books.” Aadon pushed himself upright and glanced at his own wristwatch. “Ten minutes, you say. You hungry?”

 

“I, uh.” Jesse swallowed and nodded. “I could eat.” He was nervous. He shouldn’t be this nervous. After all, he didn’t even know this guy. They might turn out to have nothing in common. Aadon might be just a pretty face who couldn’t hold Jesse’s attention or interest for more than the time it took to eat one meal.

 

“Ok, then.” Aadon pushed his shirtsleeves up. “We can go to the pub on campus.”

 

Jesse’s nose turned up automatically. “The only food they have there that isn’t meat has been soaking in a vat of grease since noon.” He pushed the cart past Aadon to the counter and let it thud against the far wall of the small workspace.

 

“No deep-fried food, no meat. Got it.”

 

“I’m not a health nut, or anything,” Jesse hastily pointed out.

 

Aadon held up a hand. “Not to worry. My eating habits suck, I know that, but I grew up on Greek cooking. It’s a hard habit to break.”

 

“So I guess the Greek place down the street that serves a killer veggie dish is out then.”

 

“If it’s not Mama’s I won’t touch it. Spoiled, I guess.”

 

“Fair enough.”

 

Jesse tried to think where else they might go that they would both find something on the menu to satisfy them.

 

“I know a place,” Aadon suggested, just before the silence grew awkward. Jesse had no idea if he really did, or if he was just jumping into the gap to fill it.

 

“Ok.”

 

Jesse turned off the computers and fished his bag out from under the desk. He shoved a few things into it, took out his keys and wallet and put it back. He might as well travel light. After all, this was only dinner, and it was Saturday night. He’d studied enough that week that one night off wouldn’t hurt anything. He nodded Aadon out the door, turned off the lights and the soothing hum they made, and followed him after setting the alarm.

 

“So,” Jesse rattled his keys. “Your car or mine? I should warn you, though, mine is just short of a death trap.” He fervently hoped Aadon would choose to let Jesse drive.

 

“We can walk, if you’d prefer.”

 

Did Jesse’s fear show through that much? He nodded. “Perfect.”

 

It was. The wind had died down, leaving only a few clouds scuttling across the sky, and the evening sun was warm enough. His sweater kept him from getting cold, but not so warm he would sweat.

 

“It’s a nice night.” Aadon commented as they walked from the library down the pink gravel path leading to the street. Jesse nodded. Small talk had never been his forte. “You’re in Anthropology?” Aadon asked. Again, Jesse nodded. “Law.”

 

“I know.” Jesse blushed when Aadon looked over at him, mildly surprised, and definitely pleased. “I pay attention.”

 

They turned onto the sidewalk, threading through a knot of students headed toward the dorms just past the library. The street was lined with coffee shops and books stores and a few coin laundries but at this time of day, most of the foot traffic was headed back to campus. The two men navigated against the flow for half a block in silence.

 

Finally free of the crowd, Aadon jostled him lightly. “I didn’t think you’d noticed.”

 

Oh, he’d noticed. He had definitely noticed. “Well, I had,” he replied, as casually as he could. It elicited a smile from Aadon he hadn’t expected. It felt good to have that effect on another man again. It gave him confidence. “You like law?”

 

Aadon nodded. “I’d have to, to put this much work into it.”

 

“And here I thought you were just there to see me.”

 

“A happy bonus, that.” He was quiet for a minute, and then answered. “Yes, I like law. Yes, my father and my uncle are both lawyers, but not the reason I decided to go into it. There are people in the world who need lawyers who can’t afford them.”

 

“Wow.”

 

All that, Jesse thought, and a big heart too. Obviously, this was too good to be true, and the other shoe was going to fall any second.

 

“Here we are,” Aadon said cheerfully. He stopped at one of the many diners along the strip and gripped the chrome pull. “Leo says they have the best veggie burgers in the city.”

 

“It’s a big city,” Jesse said doubtfully. He walked by this hole in the wall every day on his way to and from classes and never noticed it. Usually, he shied away from fast food places, and especially fast food veggie burgers. They typically had nothing to redeem them. Aadon held the door open for him, though, so he had no choice but to go inside.

 

It was nothing like what he expected. It certainly was not a fast food joint. There was a diner counter with stools, but stools that looked comfortable, and the counter had been resurfaced in something that looked like actual wood. The floor was wood, and on the left, a row of white, linen-covered tables stood, already mostly filled. Behind the counter was a young man Jesse couldn’t help but notice.

 

He smiled at Aadon. “Hey, you!” he called.  The man pointed to an unoccupied table. “Be right with, Sweetie.”

 

Aadon rolled his eyes. “Good thing he’s related,” he muttered. “Otherwise, I would have to call him out on that.”

 

Not a big fan of such endearments himself, Jesse nodded. They pulled out chairs and sat, and Jesse straightened napkins and cutlery in a sudden bout of nervous fidgeting.

 

This place was so much more than a simple hole-in-the-wall diner.  Only a few of the couples at the tables were mixed. That should have made Jesse feel more at home, but it only made him feel ill at ease. At the back of the room, where he expected to find doors to the kitchen, were huge glass panels, one of them hinged and sporting a long chrome bar at waist height. On the other side, it took him a moment to realize, was a full fledged bar, complete with dance floor and spinning lights, though no one had yet turned them on.

 

“How cool is this place?” Aadon asked. Jesse shrugged. He hadn’t been in a bar in a long time. He was trying hard not to let his nerves show. Aadon smiled at him. “Don’t worry,” he reassured. “There are no go-go cages or anything. It’s just a bar. You can go, you can dance, and no one will harass you.”

 

Jesse nodded. He’d met his last boyfriend in a place like that. It had seemed benign, at the time. So had he. Nothing was ever what it seemed, though. He’d found that out the hard way.

 

“Are you ok?”

 

Aadon sounded suddenly concerned, and Jesse knew he had been silent too long. He was saved having to find an appropriate answer for a practical stranger by the waiter arriving at their table. He turned a polite smile on the man and accepted the menu he held out.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“So what’ll it be, hon?” Jesse managed not to flinch. His companion’s foot moved under the table, clipping his own as Aadon kicked the waiter who only laughed. “Mimosa?” Jesse did flinch at that.

 

“Just whatever is on tap, please.” He glanced over the waiter’s shoulder. “You do have something on tap?”

 

“Sure, sure. Straight guys come in here too, you know.” He winked at Jesse. “But you’re ok here, sug. No worries.”

 

“I’m not worried,” Jesse replied, and immediately regretted it. It sounded so defensive it made even him wince. He glanced over at Aadon, but could see only the top of his blond head. If he’d heard, he pretended he hadn’t.

 

“Aadon?” The waiter swung a hip out in Aadon’s direction, coy to the point of dislocation.

 

Aadon looked up. “Beer’s fine, Mike.” He was rewarded with a wet tongue darting out from between Mike’s lips at him, and then he sashayed away. “He hates that.”

 

“Hates what?”

 

“When I call him Mike.”

 

“Is it not his name?”

 

“Sure it is. Everyone else calls him Sweet Thing.”

 

Aadon’s lips quirked up sideways and he rolled his eyes. Jesse thought he’d not seen anything quite so adorable in his life. It made him smile and forget for a moment that he was terrified.

 

In the end, it turned out Leo knew a good veggie burger when he tasted one. The meal left Jesse considerably more relaxed than when they arrived. He almost thought about ordering another beer when the lights behind the wall of glass came on, strobing red and green and blue through the diner. Unconsciously, Jesse gripped the edge of the table. He didn’t notice until Aadon’s hand covered his gently.

 

“You alright?” Jesse nodded. “I’ll get the check.”

 

He didn’t ask what was wrong. He didn’t make a big deal of it. He just went to the counter, paid the bill and walked Jesse out the door. The silence stretched.

 

Finally, Jesse had to say something. “Listen, I--”

 

“It’s fine.” Aadon turned that smile on him. “I’m not much of a dancer anyway.”

 

That had to be a lie. Jesse called him on it.

 

“OK, so I like to dance. But if you don’t--”

 

“I used to,” Jesse blurted. He hadn’t been dancing in a long time, and hadn’t expected to say anything to Aadon about it. “I used to go dancing all the time.”

 

“But?”

 

Jesse shrugged. But what? His last boyfriend had been a go-go boy--a handsome, fiery, controlling man whose memory made the thought of dancing into something that turned Jesse’s stomach.

 

“But, I don’t any more.” That sounded too final. “At least, I haven’t in a long time.” He was ruining everything. He had to relax, and the more he told himself this, the harder it was to do.

 

“There are other things to do besides dance.” Jesse looked over and was surprised to see Aadon still smiling at him. Maybe he hadn’t ruined everything. “There’s an old movie theatre on King that plays movies from the thirties and forties all night. We could check that out.”

 

“You like old movies.”

 

Somehow, Jesse didn’t believe this either, but Aadon grimaced.

 

“I know. All this,” he indicated his own body with his hands, “And I’m just a big geek on the inside.” He turned big eyes on Jesse. “So will you go to the movies with me?”

 

Jesse laughed. The man was outrageously confident and self effacing at the same time. It couldn’t be real, and yet Jesse was almost inclined to think it genuine. He couldn’t resist. And he had nothing to worry about, he told himself. The movie theatre was a block away, and it was a public place. A dark public place, sure, but they wouldn’t be the only ones there.

 

“Yes.” He smiled to hide the deep breath, and nodded. “Let’s go to the movies.”

 

 

“So?”

 

Jesse sipped iced coffee and serenely stared at his book without answering the inquiry. He wasn’t reading, and Sarah likely knew that, but he waited for her to speak again anyway. She went back to her paper and continued to write and hum to herself. Finally, he looked over at her. She was so much better at this than he was.

 

“So, what?” he asked.

 

She grinned at her writing a little longer before glancing up at him through her eyelashes. “So, you went out last night.”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“I called. You never don’t answer your phone. Where did you go?”

 

“Just out.”

 

“With?”

 

He smiled, knowing she could tell, just from that.

 

“And?”

 

He shrugged. “And what?”

 

“And, how was it?”

 

“It was,” he tilted his head considering. “Good.”

 

“Where did he take you?”

 

Jesse frowned. “He didn’t take me anywhere. We went for burgers. And to a movie. A really, really, bad, gawdawful movie.” A grin swept across his face. “It was fun.”

 

It had been fun, once he relaxed a little. Once he talked himself into believing Aadon wasn’t going to ambush him with anything he didn’t want. In fact, he’d been the perfect gentleman. He’d been perfect, period. Too perfect. He knew exactly what Sarah was going to say.

 

“And he didn’t…”

 

“Didn’t what?” The conversation just got a lot less interesting.

 

“He didn’t try anything?”

 

“No.” Jesse closed his book, all pretence of reading or playing this cat and mouse information game gone.

 

“I was just wondering.” She fingered the edges of her paper and twisted the straw in her drink. “I wondered, you know, because you’re so skittish.”

 

“I’m not skittish!” He hadn’t meant to yell at her. She just watched him as he stood and paced over to the fridge, opened it, closed it, and leaned on the counter. “Ok. So I’m a little skittish. But I have good reason to be.”

 

“Of course you do. I wasn’t implying that you didn’t. It’s just, I mean, it’s a big thing, Jess, dating again after.”

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Well, maybe you should. You know you never did. Maybe it would help.”

 

“I don’t need your help, Sarah.”

 

“Fine.” She gathered up her things and started shoving them into her backpack. “But what about when he tries to kiss you? What about when he reaches out to touch you, or wants to take you dancing? Are you going to tell him?”

 

“He doesn’t need to know.”

 

“If you’re going to get serious about him, he does, Jess. This is important.”

 

“We went on one date. Would you give it a rest?”

 

“Are you going on another?”

 

Jesse shrugged, non-committal.

 

“For you, that’s serious. Tell him. Or talk to someone. If not me, then someone.”

 

He let her bang out the door. She was frustrated with him. They’d had that particular discussion before, but it had been a while. She meant well, he knew, but he just wasn’t ready. He might never be ready. It wasn’t anyone’s business but his, and it didn’t need to shape his life.  He was still lost in thought, trying not to think at all when the phone dragged him away from the unpleasant memories.

 

He groped for it. “Hello?”

 

“Hey.” There was a pause. “You all right?”

 

“Yeah.” He sounded short, and tried to modify his tone. “I’m fine, Aadon. I was just thinking.” He grimaced.

 

“About me, I hope?”

 

No, definitely not about him. About someone who might, conceivably, be the very opposite of him in every way. “Um.” He cleared his throat. “Yeah.”

 

“Liar.”

 

It was said jokingly, and Jesse couldn’t help the smile that turned his lips.

 

“I was telling Sarah about last night.”

 

“Did you tell her how bad the movie was?”

 

Jesse chuckled. “I did.”

 

“Well, I want to make it up to you.”

 

Jesse sank to the floor to lean against the cabinets. “Oh?”

 

“Let me make you dinner.”

 

“Umm.” Jesse panicked. It was too soon. He should never have accepted the first invitation. He couldn’t do this, couldn’t be alone in an apartment with this strange, too perfect man. “Listen, Aadon, I had a great time last night, but--”

 

He didn’t get a chance to brush the other man off.

 

“I invited Leo and his girlfriend, too. Do you think your friend Sarah would like to come?” Jesse’s pounding heart slowed somewhat.

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Oh. Is that not her name? I thought,”

 

“No, that’s her name. Sorry. I--”

 

“You thought it was going to be more intimate than that.” Jesse swallowed, nodded, realised Aadon couldn’t see that, but Aadon was talking again. “It was, but you’re obviously not comfortable with that.” There was a pause, and Jesse could imagine the other man giving his tiny, self-effacing shrug. “Not to worry. I understand.”

 

“I want to come,” Jesse blurted, despite himself. “I’m sure Sarah would love to meet you.”

 

There was a smile in Aadon’s voice as he agreed. “Perfect.”

 

He gave the address and Jesse hung up the phone feeling completely drained. It took a little while to call down the hall to Sarah’s room.

 

“Want to go out tonight?”

 

 

“You didn’t tell me I would be a third wheel,” she whispered fiercely at him when the others had all disappeared for a minute.

 

“Fifth,” Jesse corrected her around the ice he’d sucked out of his glass.

 

She growled at him and smiled at Aadon who came back from the kitchen just then with another drink for her. “Thank you.”

 

“I would have invited another person,” Aadon said apologetically as he handed glasses of wine to Leo and his date. “But I wasn’t sure if I should ask Allison or Kevin, and Jesse here wasn’t giving me any hints.”

 

“It’s fine,” Sarah said sweetly, even as she glared at Jesse. “I’m currently not dating. Period. I couldn’t make up my mind, so I figured I’d wait until someone turned up, and no one has, so.” She shrugged and held up her drink. “A few more of these and I won’t much care.”

 

“Well, then I suppose I should get dinner on the table before you don’t care about that either. Leo, you want to get the table ready for me please?”

 

Leo muttered something about slave labour, but took Leanne’s hand, led her off to the dining area and began rooting through drawers for place mats and cutlery.

 

Aadon headed back to the kitchen. Jesse was busy watching him go when Sarah’s sharp elbow dug into his side. He looked at her angrily, but she merely pointed to the kitchen.

 

“Do you forget how to do this or what? Go in there and help him!”

 

Jesse made a face at her, but he did get up and go to the kitchen door where he leaned against the frame and just watched Aadon’s supple fingers gingerly pull tin foil off something that smelled like roasted meat. Beside him on the counter a casserole dish with shitake mushrooms and rice steamed and made Jesse’s mouth water. Other pots simmered on the stove and a huge salad bowl balanced precariously in the opening between kitchen and living room. He cleared his throat.

 

“Um. Can I help?” Aadon glanced up, then back to his work. Jesse got distracted by the fingers again when Aadon popped them into his mouth to lick the juices off. He didn’t at first notice that Aadon was watching him. When he did, he turned pink.

 

Aadon only smiled.

 

“Well, that helps.” He abandoned his task and sauntered closer to Jesse. “I was beginning to think I really was wasting my time.”

 

He was close now, and Jesse could smell his cologne. It was a nice smell.

 

“No, not wasting time.”

 

“Would it be a waste of time for me to ask for a kiss?”

 

Jesse swallowed, and found he really didn’t have a voice. He shook his head, and even he didn’t know what he meant by it. But he had to admit, he’d been thinking about this all evening, so when Aadon leaned close, he let himself be kissed. It wasn’t what he feared. Aadon tasted a bit like the meat juices he’d just licked from his fingers, but it was only one facet. He also tasted like the dark wine they’d been drinking, a salty residue from the appetizers and under it all, there was something that Jesse knew was just Aadon, and it was something he wanted more of.

 

“Hey! Aadon!” Leo called from the other room, and Jesse heard his girlfriend say something to him. “Aadon, we’re starving in here, man!”

 

Aadon was already pulling away. Jesse sighed and licked the last traces of that something from his lips. He rolled up his sleeves and went to the counter to stand close enough to feel Aadon’s heat.

 

“What can I do?”

 

 

Almost two hours had passed since dinner had ended, and Sarah eyed Jesse, clearly ready to be heading home. Jess would have thought he’d be ready by now too, but Aadon hadn’t stopped smiling at him all night. Their one short kiss seemed to confirm something for the man because he was more animated than Jesse had yet seen him. It made Jess feel powerful somehow, to have made such an impression.

 

In the end, it was Leo who picked up on Sarah’s ever more blatant cues, and stood, reeling just a little from the wine. His girlfriend let him lean on her as she, too stood and turned him to the door.

 

“We’ve stayed so late, Aadon. I hope you don’t have anything too early tomorrow.”

 

“Nope.” Aadon grinned. “Holiday means a rare day off. No studying, no research, no papers.” His smile broadened. “No office work. Just going to laze as much as I can manage in one day.” He turned to Jesse. “What about you? You working tomorrow?”

 

“No.” He gave a fake little cough. “I think I’m coming down with something.”

 

He didn’t often play hooky, but the suggestion in Aadon’s voice was too much to resist through the amount of wine he’d drunk. He might change his mind in the morning, but when Aadon donned his coat and shoes as Jesse readied to walk Sarah home, he though he probably wouldn’t.

 

Sarah looked at him, suddenly too sober for his liking. He chose to ignore the warning in her eye. He couldn’t hide from life forever and it had been more than two years. Most of the scars had faded. Soaked in a little bit of liquid courage, the memories would be easier to deal with if they even surfaced. Besides, Aadon had proved himself nothing like the last guy.

 

The streets were quiet outside Aadon’s building. They said good-bye to Leo and Leanne at Leanne’s car and strolled, three wide, down the sidewalk towards the rowdier downtown. Jesse let Aadon slip his bulk between himself and Sarah. He wasn’t interested in any more of her quiet disapproval. She had encouraged this, after all. He was just following through on the logical next step.

 

“So you two live in the same building?” Aadon’s question, directed right down at Jesse, snapped his attention from Sarah’s disapproval. He smiled and Jesse found himself a little giddy.

 

“Yeah. Down the hall from each other, actually,” Sarah answered. She peered around Aadon at Jesse and stuck out her tongue. “But I found the place. He followed me.”

 

“I always follow her. She’s the big sister I never had.”

 

“And you need a big sister? To what? Keep you out of trouble?”

 

“She’s always looking out for me.”

 

“Somebody has to.”

 

“I might volunteer for that job,” Aadon said, glancing at Jesse, but quickly turning to Sarah. “Give you a break.”

 

Sarah hooked her arm into Aadon’s. “I’ll let you know.”

 

“Is there a test?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Aadon chuckled.

 

Most of the rest of the walk was taken up by Sarah’s pointed observations of the drunken college community they walked through. Jesse giggled. Aadon mostly watched him. It was a pleasant trip, and Jesse found himself longing to link his own arm through Aadon’s as Sarah had done. He didn’t know how Aadon would take it, however, so he refrained.

 

They were turning onto their block when Jesse’s toe found a crack in the sidewalk and he stumbled, jolting into Aadon, almost flipping onto his face. He would have been embarrassed, but Aadon simply caught him around the shoulders, tucked him in close under his arm and kept walking. After a few steps, Jesse slipped an arm around his waist. He felt Sarah’s fingers in his a moment later. She squeezed his hand and let him go. It surprised him how much her acceptance set his mind at ease.

 

She didn’t linger over good-byes at her door when they finally arrived, and soon, Jesse was leading Aadon down the ugly purple paisley carpet to his door. They were only a few steps away when Jesse stumbled over the lump in the carpet that only seemed to be there when he was drunk. Aadon caught him and held him for a moment, close against his body. Jesse took a deep breath of aftershave, soap and maleness and thought he must be quivering in Aadon’s grip because every nerve tingled. He was far less drunk, suddenly, than he had been a minute ago, and torn between looking up into his face and closing his eyes to lean against him.

 

“This is you?” Aadon asked, pointing with his free hand to the door behind Jesse.

 

“Uh.” Jesse pulled himself together and straightened. “Yeah.”

 

“I think your phone is ringing.”

 

Jesse had thought the sound was his own nerves jangling in his head. He turned and looked at the heavy wood door. “Yeah.” He heard his phone faintly from inside and he fumbled in his pocket for his keys. “My mother just doesn’t get time zones,” he muttered as he slid the square-headed gold key into the slot and twisted.

 

The sound of the ringing increased immediately as the door swung open and Jesse lurched across the recliner for the receiver. He twisted as he slid sideways into the chair and brought the phone to his ear. 

 

“Hi Mom.” Pointing to the fridge, he made a drinking motion and Aadon nodded. Jesse watched as he slid out of his coat and shoes and opened the refrigerator. Framed in the only light in the room, Aadon’s muscled frame was making it hard for Jesse to concentrate on his mother’s voice on the other end of the line.

 

“Sorry, Mom. Say that again?” He sat up and swung his legs to the floor.

 

“I said, I talked to the lawyer today.”

 

“Why?” Jesse absently took the water bottle Aadon handed him, his attention now fully on his conversation. “Did he call you?”

 

“Yes, Jesse. He wants to talk to you.”

 

“About what?”

 

“About what happened.”

 

“I told him what happened. Why do I have to go over it all again? I thought they said Anthony took the deal.” A cold lump had formed in the pit of Jesse’s stomach. Of all times for this to come up again, why now? Why just when he thought it was finally over?

 

“Apparently, he got a new lawyer who told him if he had evidence that you and he were in a relationship, it could change his case. He’s looking to sue that last lawyer for incompetence or some such. He thinks he can get a lighter sentence.”

 

“Everyone knows we were in a relationship, Mom. It isn’t like we kept it a secret.”

 

“It’s the kind of relationship that matters, according to the lawyer.”

 

The cold lump grew to constrict Jesse’s breathing. “What do you mean?” He was suddenly, acutely aware of Aadon sitting on the arm of the chair, silent, listening to his every word.

 

“I--”

 

“Mom, I told you everything. We talked about this.” He got up, because he couldn’t sit so close to Aadon, couldn’t feel him looming over his shoulder while he talked about this. “What is the lawyer saying?”

 

“The lawyer said Anthony told his council you liked...” She hesitated, clearly hoping Jesse would finish the thought for her, but with Aadon in the room, he couldn’t. He waited, because even though he was fairly certain he knew what was coming, he had to be sure. “That you liked him to tie you up,” she said, the words spilling out fast, almost indecipherable. Jesse knew Aadon couldn’t hear her, but he blushed.

 

“That was different.”

 

He should have known it had been too easy. He’d been a fool to take up with Anthony in the first place, and fool to give in to his demands. The fact that he’d let the man do those things to him hadn’t meant he’d liked it. At least, not at first. When he’d started to see the allure, Anthony had pushed and pushed until it didn’t matter if Jesse said no, or what Jesse wanted, and that was when he’d finally realized he had to stop it.

 

It hadn’t been an easy call, and Anthony hadn’t been gentle about saying good-bye. That final scene had landed Jesse in the hospital, Anthony in jail and brought lawyers in on both sides. At the time, it had been a clear enough case of battery, and a deal to drop some of the charges had got Anthony out of his life. Now, all the ugly secrets were crawling out of the closet and Jesse had no where to hide.

 

“I don’t care what he says, Mom,” he lowered his voice and turned his back on Aadon. “I didn’t ask him to beat me up.”

 

“Is someone there with you?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Sarah?”

 

“No.”

 

“Who?”

 

“Mom, focus. What is the lawyer saying? Is Anthony trying to buck all the charges?”

 

“He says it was just rough sex, that it got a little out of hand and you were embarrassed. He says he doesn’t deserve to be in jail. The lawyer wants to talk to you again, get your side of the story.”

 

“My side. I told him everything there was to tell already. I don’t want to.” He pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and finger, aware his voice had risen, aware of the note of panic that brought out the sharp edges, and tried to temper it. “I don’t see the point in going through it all again.”

 

“The point is, if you don’t he gets away with it.”

 

At what point did Anthony’s punishment become Jesse’s agony? He didn’t have the strength to go through that night again. It had been terrifying the first time, painful to tell it all to a stranger, and damn near impossible to explain it to his mother. Now, when he finally thought it was behind him, they wanted him to tell the story again. He wasn’t sure he could. He thought maybe he didn’t care whether Anthony got away scot free or not, so long as he didn’t have to relive it ever again.

 

“I can’t, Mom.”

 

“Jesse,”

 

“Mom, just. I can’t.”

 

He hung up on her protests and stood very still. The room was spinning around him, and he didn’t really think it had as much to do with the wine as with his own distress. He could feel Aadon behind him--breathing, waiting, just being there, and all his reasons for not ever bringing a man into this apartment came rushing back on him, burying him, making it impossible for him to turn.

 

“Is everything all right?” Aadon asked at last, when the silence had become a thing in the room with them. It was obvious from the timbre of his voice that he knew the answer.

 

“Aadon, I--”

 

“I should go.”

 

There was a rustle of sound and Jesse spun. Aadon was pulling on his coat. He glanced up, and it struck Jesse. This was not the man he hated, not the one who had hurt him, not anyone he needed to fear.

 

“You--”

 

The phone ringing cut off Jesse’s thought. He looked at the illuminated screen and frowned. Gently, he placed it on the table beside the recliner.

 

“Answer it, Jesse.”

 

“I can’t talk to her about this right now.”

 

He couldn’t explain why. Her concern, her placid calm concern was soothing when he was in the same room with her, but infuriating when he was half the country away and in need of a reassuring hand. The ringing jangled and he grimaced.

 

“She’ll be worried.”

 

“She’ll be fine.’

 

Aadon shook his head and picked up the phone himself. The beep of the call button was loud over Jesse’s pursed lipped silence.

 

“Jesse Turbul’s residence. Yes, Ma’am.” He glanced at Jesse. “That’s what he said, yes.”

 

Of course she would know exactly how Jesse would react. She was his mother. She knew. Jesse listened to the broken conversation, practically hearing his mother asking the questions Aadon was answering.

 

“Is he all right?”

 

“No, I wouldn’t say that.”

 

“Who am I talking to?”

 

“Aadon. Aadon Dounias.”

 

“Who are you?”

 

“I’m his friend.”

 

And that’s where Jesse’s certainty failed him. He didn’t know what his mother would make of that.

 

“I can. If he wants. Yes, I do. I’ll do that. No, I won’t. I promise.” Finally, Aadon hung up and passed Jesse the phone.

 

“What did she make you promise?”

 

“Not to leave you alone. She’s worried.”

 

“I’m fine.” There was a waver in his voice, though, and only a complete idiot or someone needing not to get involved would believe him.

 

“You’re not fine. Should I go get Sarah?”

 

“No. She’ll be sleeping.” He didn’t want to bring her into this. He wanted the whole thing to go away. He wanted to go back half an hour and not answer his phone. He wanted this to be the night he finally put this mess behind him.

 

“You need someone.”

 

“You’re here.” He wasn’t sure why he said it, why he asked. Aadon didn’t need to get involved either. He’d be better off walking away now.

 

“I may not be the one you need spending the night.” It was a reasonable thing to say, and he was probably right. “Whatever this is, Jesse, I don’t want to make it more difficult for you. Just tell me what you want. That’s what I’ll do.”

 

It couldn’t possibly be that simple. If Jesse told him ‘I want you to stay,’ would he actually do it? Just because Jesse asked, would he really do it?

 

“I want to tell you.” He was going to say ‘but’, however, once the words were out, he found he meant them. If Aadon wanted to know what was going on, he would tell him. He just didn’t know where to start.

 

“There’s plenty of time for that. Tomorrow, or the next day. Right now, you need to sleep off the wine and not say anything you don’t mean, not do something you’ll regret.” Aadon kicked off the shoe he’d put on and took off his coat again. “Do you have an extra blanket? I’ll sleep in the couch.”

 

Jesse nodded and went to the closet in the short hall leading to his bedroom. He rummaged past the towels and facecloths, behind the poorly folded sheets to the heavy afghan at the bottom of the pile. Bringing it back to the main room, he handed it to Aadon. They stood facing one another in the light of a lamp Aadon had turned on. For an awkward minute, neither off them spoke.

 

“You’re sure about this?” Aadon draped the blanket over one arm. Jesse nodded. “I can still get Sarah. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.”

 

“No. She wouldn’t. But I don’t want her. I don’t want...” He hesitated. He had been about to say he didn’t want her harping that he should have listened to her and talked to someone.  He merely shrugged. “She puts up with enough from me. I’ll let her sleep. Tomorrow I’ll call her.”

 

Aadon nodded and went to the couch where he spread the blanket over the worn upholstery. “Fair enough.”

 

He sat and looked back over his shoulder to where Jesse was still standing in the middle of the room. “I know I don’t know what’s going on, exactly, Jesse, but I can make a fair guess. If it means anything for me to say it, I won’t move from this couch until you come out. Close the door, lock it if you want. It won’t hurt my feelings.”

 

“Is it weird,” Jesse asked quietly, “that I’d rather you slept in the bed with me? That I want you closer?”

 

“Not weird. But not smart. And you aren’t in any condition to make a smart choice about that right now. Go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning. If you want.”

 

Jesse didn’t actually sleep for a long while. He knew Aadon was still there, just beyond his half-closed door. He wondered if he slept. When morning came, would he have had enough time to think it through and realize he didn’t want anything to do with him? Jesse wouldn’t blame him, but he knew it would hurt. It was best he didn’t hope for too much. Rolling over in the dark, he watched the wall across from the window as a neon sign somewhere outside blinked off and on, the blue light splashing across the white paint in a soothing, predictable pattern. Everything in life should be that easy to deal with, he thought. Everything should be. Nothing was.

 

Morning light wasn’t enough to wake him. The alarm clock shrilled through an unpleasant dream he managed to forget by the time he’d pulled himself up out of cotton-headed sleep. He moaned around his headache and for a blessed few minutes, managed to forget that his life, once again, had dipped into that dim, ugly place where he couldn’t see far enough to know it would pass. Then a noise from the washroom, the toilet flushing, brought him upright with a painfully spinning head. The phone rang, but only once. A deep voice spoke and a moment later there was a soft knock on his door.

 

“Jesse?” he didn’t answer right away. “It’s your mom. Should I tell her you’re still sleeping?”

 

“No.” Jesse swung his legs to the floor, groped for a pair of jeans and went to the door. Aadon was standing in just his jeans, his chest and feet bare, and holding the phone. Jesse swallowed hard, took the receiver and retreated back into his room.

 

“Mom?”

 

“Hi, Honey.” There was a pause. Jesse waited. He knew what she was going to ask without really asking. “That young man is still there.” Which translated as “Did you sleep with him?”

 

“No.”

 

“Honey, you have to be careful.”

 

“I know, Mom. I am. He slept on the couch, okay?”

 

“I worry.”

 

“Well, don’t.”

 

“Jesse, I have to. I’m your mother.” Another pause would be followed by some variation on ‘How are you holding up,’ which would be code for ‘have you picked up a new batch of razor blades from the pharmacy?’

 

He headed her off.

 

“I know.” He sat on the bed. “I’m sorry. I just woke up. I haven’t even had coffee yet, and my head hurts. And I know what you’re worried about,” he said, a little more quietly. He didn’t want to risk Aadon overhearing. “I am not going to turn stupid again.” He’d almost said it out loud. Almost. They both knew the scars on his arms were self-inflicted. Neither of them had ever said so out loud. Maybe the day he would actually be healed would be the day he could say ‘I used to cut myself, but I don’t any more,’ out loud. She didn’t say anything in reply, so he moved past it. “And Mom--”

 

“Yes?” It was like she heard but didn’t hear. He didn’t know if it bothered him that she didn’t acknowledge it.

 

Jesse sighed and let it go. “Tell the lawyer he has everything there is. There’s nothing new to tell. If Anthony appeals, then he appeals. I don’t want to do this any more.”

 

“And if he gets out of jail and gets away with what he did?”

 

“Then let him.”

 

“Jesse--”

 

“Mom. I’m done. I’m tired and I’m sorry. I know you want there to be some sort of divine justice on this, but it isn’t worth my life going tits up to keep him in jail. He’s out of my life, and that’s all that matters to me, okay?”

 

“Jesse, I don’t think it is okay at all.”

 

“Well, it isn’t your life, Mom.”

 

“Jesse, just--”

 

“I have to go. I have company.” He hung up. He didn’t like cutting her off, but he wasn’t up to arguing about it. He was never up to arguing over how crappy the justice system was or how it let people get away with things they should never get away with. He mostly didn’t like to defend how he had let Anthony get away with things he shouldn’t have let him get away with or think how the man had taken something he might have actually enjoyed and twisted it into something that now terrified him.

 

“Jesse?” Aadon’s voice cut through his thoughts. “There’s coffee.”

 

“Um.”

 

He stood, looked around for a shirt and found Aadon was standing in the doorway watching him. Jesse fell back a few feet before his brain caught up and stopped his feet. It didn’t stop him crossing his arms over his chest to try and hide.

 

Aadon backed up too, and waved one of the coffee cups he was holding back toward the other room. “I’ll just--”

 

“It’s okay.” Jesse let his arms fall and willed himself to not touch the scars.

 

Aadon’s eyes flicked down and back up to rest on his face. Jesse’s nerves thrummed. His breath came too uneven and he was sure Aadon could see him shaking.

 

“I’ll wait out here.”

 

“You can come in.”

 

There was a pause as they sorted out what the other had said.

 

“Jesse, it’s fine.”

 

“No. You might as well.”

 

He motioned for Aadon to enter the room. It was hard to let him see the scars as he reached for his coffee, hard not to yank his arm back when Aadon looked.

 

“I didn’t know how you take it.”

 

“Black is fine.”

 

More silence. He should say something, but it seemed pretty self explanatory. And, he wanted to know if Aadon would do as even his mother did and pretend to be oblivious.

 

“That’s why she didn’t want me to leave you alone?”

 

No pretending, then. Jesse nodded. “It’s. When. I just.” He stopped, closed his mouth and shook his head. “I should find a shirt.”

 

He put his mug down and dug through a dresser drawer for the black shirt he’d decided against once before. Pulling it over his head, pushing his arms through the sleeves, felt good. He had his armour back. Facing the world was easier when no one could tell what a mess he was. He turned, but Aadon had left the room.

 

Jesse sighed and told himself he hadn’t really expected anything else. Picking up his mug, he went out into the main room. Aadon was stuffing his foot into his shoe. He already had his coat on. He really hadn’t expected anything else. Still, the bottom dropped out of his gut.

 

Aadon looked up as he reached for the doorknob. “I have.” He pointed to the door with his other hand.

 

“Sure.”

 

“I just remembered.”

 

“Yeah. I get it.”

 

“Jesse--”

 

“It’s fine.” Jesse pulled the door open for him. “I’ll see you around.”

 

“I’ll call you.”

 

Jesse held the door open, but said nothing. Aadon ducked past him and jogged down the hallway.

 

“Sure you will.”

 

Jess closed the door quietly behind him, poured his coffee down the sink and went back to bed.

 

Dressing didn’t seem like much of a priority the rest of the day. When Sarah called, he begged a headache to get her off the phone.

 

“Come on, Jesse. I know he spent the night. I saw him walking away from the building this morning. Spill.”

 

“No.” He hung up.

 

A minute later, the phone rang again. He didn’t even check the caller id, but buried the headset under the sofa cushions and turned up the tv. He wasn’t interested in another conversation that led anywhere near men. The phone rang three or four more times. He didn’t bother to see who it was.

 

She knocked on the door sometime after the evening news, but he didn’t let her in. She came back later with pizza, which she had to leave outside his door since he wouldn’t answer her muffled inquiries. When he was sure she was gone, he opened the door, retrieved the pizza and retreated back inside. Settling on the couch with a depressing movie and pizza didn’t make him feel any better, but it saved him having to talk to anyone. He fell asleep there and knocking on his door woke him sometimes after the sun had come up.

 

“Jess?” There was more knocking. “Jess? Honey, please let me in. I’m getting a little scared.”

 

“Coming.”

 

He opened the door and Sarah came in with two huge, steaming ceramic mugs. She didn’t even hand him one, but put them both on the counter and took his hand. Turning it palm up, she pushed his sleeve out of the way and ran light fingers down his forearm. That’s what he liked about her. No beating around the bush. He pulled his hand free and picked up the coffee she’d brought, handed her one and she folded herself onto his sofa. Lifting the cup to her lips so she could peer at him over it, she waited. He clicked through the channels with the sound down.

 

“You can surf all day. You know it won’t bother me.”

 

A quick glance showed him she had lowered her mug, but was still watching him.

 

“If I tell you what happened, will you go away and leave me alone?”

 

“You know I will never go away, Jesse.” She took another sip. “Did he? Go away, I mean?”

 

Jesse nodded.

 

“Why?”

 

Jesse shrugged. “Guess he just decided he wasn’t that interested after all.” He looked over at her and knew she wasn’t going to buy so simple an explanation. “My mom called.”

 

“And?”

 

“Anthony has a new lawyer.”

 

“So?”

 

“He’s suing the old one and appealing his sentence.” He sighed, but Sarah rose and came to squeeze into the chair beside him. “When we settled the first time, it was about that one time. One night. One.” He drew a breath and shuddered. “Now he’s suing his lawyer for incompetence for not basing the entire case on the history of our relationship.”

 

“I’m not sure I follow.”

 

“Everything we did together is going to be fair game, Sarah. Everything.”

 

“So?”

 

“So?” Jesse squirmed out of the chair. “So. I’m not interested in my sex life being a matter of public record. No one needs to know that I--” He snapped his mouth shut. “It isn’t anyone’s business.”

 

“So you like subbing. So do I. It isn’t an invitation for anyone to smack you around.”

 

“Thank you.” Jess slammed his mug down on the table. “Because I want everyone to know that wasn’t the only time it happened.”

 

“It wasn’t?”

 

“You know it wasn’t.”

 

“What does any of this have to do with Aadon? Did you tell him?”

 

“Not really.” Jesse sank into one of the kitchen chairs. His arms rested across the table and he ran a thumb down the inside of his right forearm. “According to Leo, he wanted to know why I’ve never had a boyfriend. He satisfied his curiosity, and that’s all he was interested in. So what? It’s not like I expected a whole lot. Who wants this much baggage?”

 

“Stop that.” Sarah had risen from her comfortable seat and come to stand beside him. She placed a hand over his, stopping the rhythmic rubbing. “You had a bad few months after it happened. You did some stupid things. It’s behind you. You will find someone who isn’t worried about baggage. We all have it.”

 

“Sure.”

 

There was a knock at the door, cutting off any more placating from her. Jesse groaned.

 

“It’s okay, sweetie.” She patted his shoulder. “I’ll make whoever it is go away.”

 

She went to the door and opened it a fraction.

 

“Hi.”

 

The low, liquid voice sent a shiver down Jesse’s spine. His hand started to move again, up and down his arm. He couldn’t feel the tiny scars through the fabric, but he knew they were there.

 

 Sarah just stood with the door half closed and said nothing.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

“Why? What do you want?” Sarah’s voice was far from welcoming.

 

“I just wanted to see he was okay. I had to kind of run out yesterday, and--”

 

“He doesn’t want company,” Sarah said, curtly cutting him off.

 

“Did he tell you what’s going on?” 

 

“He told me you took off out of here yesterday like your tail was on fire.”

 

“His mother called.” Aadon’s voice rose a tiny fraction, hardening and turning frosty around the edges. “He didn’t give me any details, but whatever it was, it shook him up and he wouldn’t answer the phone yesterday. I was worried.”

 

“Maybe he just didn’t want to take your calls.”

 

“Maybe I’d like him to tell me that himself.”

 

“Maybe the two of you should stop bickering over me like I wasn’t here.” Jesse rose from the table to face them. “Let him in, Sarah.”

 

She stood back and held the door open, but her expression was dark and her eyes glittered.

 

“Hi.” Aadon stood just inside the doorway. He looked awkward in tailored pants and a dress shirt, his jacket hanging open and his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides.

 

“Hey.” Jesse managed a quick glimpse at his face but his eyes quickly dropped again to the floor just at the toes of Aadon’s shoes.

 

“I’m sorry. I know it was odd yesterday. I didn’t explain.”

 

“No need.”

 

“There is. The way I took off. It was rude.”

 

“Forget it. I gave you an opening and you took it.” He shrugged. “No harm, no foul. I don’t blame you really.”

 

“Jesse. Shut up and let me explain.” Jesse clenched his teeth. “I did have somewhere to be. There was a meeting. I couldn’t miss it.”

 

“And you couldn’t just say?”

 

“Maybe, with everything, I didn’t think you needed to deal with my s**t too.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Look.” Aadon took a few steps forward, shuffling his expensive loafers across the ceramic tile of the entrance. “It’s a long, involved story.” He lifted a shoulder and his lips quirked in a little self-deprecating half grin. “My nice, white bread family is completely screwed up and you can’t get to know me without hearing the whole sordid tale, but it doesn’t have to be right this second, does it?”

 

“I think it does,” Sarah said.

 

“Sarah.” Jesse shot her a look.

 

“I’m just saying.”

 

“Well, don’t.” Jesse appreciated her protectiveness, but not the teeth behind it that she seemed quite willing to sink into Aadon. “I can say perfectly well whatever I want to say for myself. At least I’ve learned that much.”

 

“Are you sure?” She sounded dubious.

 

“I’m sure.” He pulled open the door. “You can,” he pointed out into the hallway. “I’ll bring your mugs back later.”

 

“Because I can stay.”

 

“Oh, I know you can, but you aren’t going to. Out.”

 

“Call me if you need anything.”

 

“Out.”

 

“Fine.” She shot Aadon one more look. Jesse couldn’t decide if it was less hostile or not. He closed the door behind her.

 

“Quite the guard dog.”

 

“She’s really just one of those little yappy poodles.”

 

Aadon chuckled. “Sometimes, that’s all you need.”

 

“I wish I’d had her around years ago,” Jesse conceded. “She would have spared me a lot of trouble.”

 

“You wouldn’t have listened to her.”

 

“Probably not.”

 

Jesse led Aadon into the apartment and sat on the recliner, pulling his feet up under him. Aadon followed a little more slowly, kicking of his shoes with a sigh and shrugging out of his suit jacket. He folded it neatly and hung it over the back of a kitchen chair before sitting on another.

 

“You do believe me, don’t you?”

 

“About yesterday?” Jesse shrugged. “It doesn’t matter if you were freaked. Most people are. Most people who know, anyway.”

 

“I take it not very many do.”

 

“Just Sarah. Mom.” Jesse looked up and caught Aadon’s gaze. “You. And I’m not quite sure why I told you.”

 

“They looked like old scars.”

 

“They are. And they aren’t. Something...” Jesse searched for words for a minute but came up with nothing really suitable. “Happened. I handled it badly.” He lifted his arms slightly from where they rested on his knees. “This was a less than helpful solution. Some days, I can look back on it and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Other days, it’s not that easy.”

 

“Yesterday was one of the other days?”

 

“Yesterday was one of the other days.”

 

“And today?”

 

Jesse sighed. “It might be a little early to tell.”

 

“You know you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

 

“It’s like what you just said, though, isn’t it? If you want to get to know me, you have to hear the whole thing. I would like to say it doesn’t matter, but--”

 

“But maybe it doesn’t matter today.”

 

In the end, they didn’t share. They sat on the couch and watched old movies, ate popcorn and drank cola until they were both bloated and the sun was going down. Finally, Aadon rose to leave, but offered to take Jesse out for dinner. The emotional energy to leave the safety of the apartment was too much for Jesse to muster, so Aadon went alone. He surprised Jesse by coming back an hour later changed into jeans and carrying take out.

 

“That was a quick change,” Jesse commented, holding the door open for him and taking the tray with two cartons of milk and two steaming cups of coffee that smelled like vanilla and caramel.

 

“Actually, I had the clothes in the car,” he admitted. The bags rattled as he plopped them onto the coffee table. “I hope you like Chinese. Meatless is a little tougher to come by than I would have thought.” He paused, looking at the blue and white milk cartons. “Oh. Do you drink milk?”

 

“Does a body good.” Jesse smiled. “Tell me you got this from the place down the street. They have the best veggie stir-fry in town, and their rice is never sticky.”

 

“I did.”

 

“Good.”

 

Jesse brought plates from the kitchen, the clatter of dishes and the warm aromas of sauces soothing his nerves like all the hiding the day before hadn’t managed to do. He sat down beside Aadon on the couch. They were close enough the hairs on Jesse’s arm stood on end when their shirtsleeves brushed. It was closer than they’d gotten all day and Jesse realized how careful Aadon had been with him.

 

Now, Aadon glanced over measuring Jesse’s mood by studying his face and waiting for him to speak first. Jesse had no idea how to break this silence without a confession he wasn’t sure he was ready for. He concentrated instead on manipulating the chopsticks and veggies. It was a bit of a relief to discover how hungry he was under the stress and misery. The food helped even out the rough edges of his nerves. In the end, it was Aadon who spoke first.

 

“About yesterday.”

 

“You don’t have to explain. It was a bit much. I just. I don’t know why I showed you.”

 

“Why I left had nothing to do with that.” The self-mocking grin flashed across his expressive features. “You are a lot braver than I am, Jesse. I ran out of here without an explanation because I was being selfish.

 

Jesse waited until the moment of explanation stretched thin and dangerous. He looked over at Aadon studying his plate in a show of self-consciousness that did more to endear the man to Jesse than all of his previous perfection had managed.

 

“You don’t have to tell me anything, Aadon.”

 

“Yes. You deserve some explanation.”

 

“You explained. You had somewhere to be. If you want to tell me the rest, there will be time.” Jesse put his plate down and turned, pulling a leg up onto the couch to better face Aadon. “If there isn’t going to be another opportunity, then maybe you shouldn’t tell me at all.”

 

“I had a meeting I couldn’t miss.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“My older brother is in Havenside.”

 

“The half-way place?” This surprised Jesse a bit. Aadon gave all the signs of coming from a wealthy, happy family. That he had a brother with drug problems severe enough to require rehabilitation didn’t fit with the image Jesse had been constructing in his mind.

 

“It isn’t half way to anywhere,” Aadon replied, his voice gritty and bitter. “It’s assisted living. He put so much crap in his system during high school, by the time they flushed it all out, there wasn’t much of him left. He couldn’t look after himself any more. Now someone has to meet with him and his councillor every two weeks or they kick him out. Dad’s finished with him, and Mom just can’t face it alone any more. That leaves me.”

 

He’d delivered the entire speech staring at his plate while he twirled his chopsticks between his fingers. Now he looked up at Jesse and shrugged. “He’s ten years older than me. I don’t hardly even know him, but he’s my brother. It isn’t the kind of happy families story you want to share with a whole lot of other people.”

 

“I guess not.”

 

“And yesterday, that was the first time I ever came close to not being there for him, even if he has no idea who I am most of the time.”

 

“Sorry I dumped my s**t on you.”

 

“I don’t mind.” Aadon reached with a free hand to pat Jesse’s knee. Instinctively, Jesse dropped his foot to the floor to avoid the touch and for a split second, Aadon’s hand hung in the air before he slid it under his plate and began pushing the food around with the wooden utensils.

 

“I’m sorry.” Jesse slumped back against the cushions. “It isn’t you.”

 

“You don’t want to be touched right now. I get it.” He put his plate down finally and looked back over his shoulder at Jesse. “Whoever did that to you, he shouldn’t get away with it.”

 

“I don’t want my life to keep being about what happened. I just want to put it behind me. Forget about it.” Jesse sighed. “That was what the phone call was about. Anthony got a new lawyer. Someone to tell him there’s a way to convince the world what he did was okay.”

 

“But it wasn’t.” Aadon wasn’t really asking a question. Even though he didn’t know the details, there was enough evidence, Jesse supposed, for him to draw a few conclusions.

 

Maybe he wouldn’t have to spell the whole thing out in all the humiliating details. “No,” Jesse admitted quietly. “It wasn’t.”

 

The room wrapped around them for a few minutes, enveloping each in his own thoughts. Warm lamplight and the soft popping and rumbling of the old water heaters under the windows made the place safe. Aadon’s presence wasn’t a threat. He fit in the room, another comforting presence Jesse was almost afraid to count on.

 

“If he appeals and you don’t come forward to tell your story--”

 

“I told my story already,” Jesse interrupted. “I showed them the bruises and the casts.” He paused and when he spoke again, his voice dropped, the anger not enough to compensate for the humiliation. “They have the rape kit. They don’t need to hear it all again.”

 

“You don’t want to tell it again.”

 

“No. I don’t. Why is that such a crime?”

 

“It isn’t.” It was Aadon’s turn to shift positions, sitting cross-legged beside Jesse, facing him so there was no way Jesse could hide. “But why would you let him tell his version and not make sure it was the truth?”

 

“We were together a long time. I’m sure whatever he says will be true of our relationship at some point. He can make his case without having to lie.”

 

“Not lying and telling the whole truth are not the same thing at all.”

 

Jesse studied Aadon’s face. The man was trying to help, he knew. He couldn’t be angry at him for wanting to understand. He’d already invested enough of his own emotional baggage to prove he wasn’t just curious, but that didn’t mean he was here for the long haul or that Jesse could trust him with the uglier details of his and Anthony’s relationship. “Maybe I don’t want the whole truth out there.”

 

“Look.” Aadon fingered the strings trailing from the cuff of his jeans. “I don’t know anything about what you and this guy did when he wasn’t beating you up and forcing you.” He looked up again and Jesse couldn’t look away from the intensity of his gaze. “But I know enough about the scene to make a fair guess. If he ever used your submission against you, whether or not you liked any of it, he wasn’t treating you like a partner. He was controlling you, and that isn’t what it’s about.”

 

Jesse got up and paced across the room, unable to resist the urge to rub at the scars under his shirtsleeves. He turned at the far end of the room to face the sofa and Aadon’s placid calm. Still, he leaned on the end of the wall near the entrance with his arms crossed tightly over his chest, his shoulders up tight and stiff, and his back pressed hard against the cold wall. “How would you know what any of it was about?”

 

For a long minute, Aadon just looked at him, a slight frown on his face. “I know you don’t know anything about me.” His frown deepened. “But you can trust me.”

 

“That’s what Anthony said.”

 

“I’m not Anthony.”

 

“I don’t know if I’m ready.”

 

“Then you’re not.”

 

Aadon got up, every motion fluid and softly non-threatening. He picked up their plates and carried them to the kitchen, dumping the contents into the trash and setting the dishes in the sink. Silently, he packed up the food and put it away in the refrigerator, threw away the soiled napkins and empty containers, and washed his hands under steaming water. Jesse watched him, too tightly wound to help or act as though this was just the end of another date.

 

At last, Aadon stood in the kitchen doorway, the space of a few feet and a gulf of uncertainty between them. He smiled, this act, as every other, completely benign. “I’m not going anywhere, though. I should, with all your issues.” Jesse pushed himself away from the wall, a spark of anger giving him the strength to break his shell at last. It brought him a step closer, within reach of comfort, within reach of being hurt, but Aadon only held up a hand. “But I’m not going to because I want to help you. I want to show you how this is supposed to work.”

 

“How what’s supposed to work?”

 

“A relationship where you can be vulnerable with another person and not worry they’ll use it against you.” Aadon took a small step forward, then another. “Submitting doesn’t give your partner the right to do whatever they want.”

 

Jesse frowned, fear a heavy lump in his throat he couldn’t quite swallow around, leaving him too weak to move, too cowed to even step back. Aadon’s aftershave drifted around them, permeating the air, adding its heavy scent to the underlying smell Jesse had observed and appreciated once, just a few nights before.

 

“You’re in control,” Aadon said gently. “Just say what you want.”

 

“Too close,” Jesse whispered, wondering where the fearlessness that had let him kiss this man had disappeared to. Immediately, Aadon stepped back, removing himself back to the kitchen doorway and leaning on the frame. “I just want to not feel this,” Jesse said after a minute, examining his own shaking hand, glaring like that would be enough to make the fear dissolve and the tremors cease.

 

“It takes time,” Aadon said.

 

“I feel safe around you,” Jesse looked up at him with a faint smile. “Most of the time.”

 

“You have to take your own life back, Jesse. No one can do it for you.”

 

Jesse slumped back against the wall. “If I tell them everything, how I let him--”

 

He hesitated, but Aadon only waited, watching him patiently. “I let him do things, Aadon. I even,” he blushed, the heat of embarrassment rushing up under his hair. “I liked it sometimes, when he wasn’t . . . when he didn’t hurt me.”

 

Jesse sighed and let himself slide down until he was sitting on the floor, leaning on the wall with his knees safely up close to his head. It made his emotional wobbles a little easier to bear. “If I tell them I willingly let him put me in that position, where I had no power to stop him, they’re going to say--”

 

“What?” Aadon’s voice dropped the word, like a heavy blow, into the middle of Jesse’s mumblings, making Jesse look up. “That you deserved it?” he crouched to better peer into Jesse’s face. “No one deserves to get hit. No one deserves to be raped.”

 

“It was just part of his game.”

 

For a split second, Aadon looked so angry, Jesse though he would lash out himself, but the moment passed. The anger remained. “That’s a sick game.”

 

“I didn’t know,” Jesse said quickly. “I was a kid, barely out of high school. I was hardly even used to dating other men and he was gorgeous and a little dangerous.” He shrugged. “A lot dangerous. But I didn’t know that until it was too late.”

 

He cleared his throat, trying to find the right way to explain how he’d let things get so bad. He picked absently at the corner of a loose lino tile and didn’t notice Aadon move until he could once again smell the man’s aftershave. He didn’t dare look up, but he let Aadon still his restless fingers by putting a hand over his. He stared down at their hands and managed to tell the rest of the story without falling apart. How he had tried to move out while Anthony was gone. He skimmed over the beating. Most of it, he didn’t remember anyway, and finished with the barest facts in a subdued voice.

 

“He raped me and just left me there--broken wrist, broken ribs.” He shivered with remembered cold. “I didn’t see him again until he came to court to answer the charges.” Jesse turned his hand over to grip Aadon’s fingers. “I never want to see him again. I never want to think about it again.”

 

“Then don’t.” Aadon settled more comfortably around him, letting him lean against him, offering only the comfort Jesse wanted.

 

“Will you stay?” Jesse asked, surprised at the idea he’d rather trust in Aadon’s gentle good will than be alone in the dark remembering the long, freezing night of aching muscles and broken bones Anthony had left him with.

 

Aadon kissed the top of his head softly. “On the couch. But I have an early class.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Still, Aadon made no move to get up. He didn’t seem inclined to rush Jesse through the process of putting himself back together. When they finally rose, both of them a little stiff from sitting so long on the cold floor, only the small lamp by the sofa and a sliver of light from under the bedroom door illuminated the space. Somehow, the near dark gave Jesse a little bit of courage, a tiny blanket of safety, and he reached up a hand and touched Aadon’s face.

 

“I’m not so helpless as I was then, you know. I can fight back now.”

 

“I hope I never give you a reason to.”

 

Gently, he took Jesse’s hand from his face. Holding his wrist in a loose grip, he pulled it down to the small of Jesse’s back and held it there. Jesse’s heart thudded a staccato rhythm against Aadon’s chest.

 

Aadon smiled and leaned close. “Kiss me.”

 

It wasn’t a request. Rising up onto his toes he gently touched his lips to Aadon’s, automatically doing as he’d been told, hard experience telling him it would be better than resisting. Aadon’s tongue flicked against his lips and he gasped, his spine going rigid in response, his heart beating painfully hard. He twisted his wrist a tiny bit in Aadon’s grip, felt Aadon’s fingers loosen, ready to let him go. When Aadon tried to pull him a little closer, he resisted and was instantly released.

 

He stepped back, dizzy, breathing harder than one little kiss warranted, bewildered at the sudden freedom.

 

“What?” he blinked at Aadon, the dim light working against him now, making it hard to see the other man’s features.

 

“Believe me.” Aadon cleared his throat, easing a bit of the huskiness from his voice. “When you’re ready to, I would love to explore that side of you a little more.” He took a deep breath and stepped outside of Jesse’s space. “But not tonight.”

 

For a long time after he lay in bed, behind the safety of a half-closed door, Jesse could still feel Aadon’s hard chest against his. He could smell the other man on his shirt, feel his lips, and wonder what it might feel like to hear his voice whispering gentle commands in his ear, and the thought didn’t terrify him. For the first time in a very long time, he could imagine a future when he wouldn’t smile from behind that wall of fear at a world he didn’t actually live in. He’d grown so used to the fear, to small things, like dancing, kissing, comfort not being a part of his life that the idea he might enjoy them again was a little baffling and a little intoxicating at the same time. He hadn’t been willing to take the risk in so long, but Aadon made so many things seem possible. His mere presence made a sound sleep free of dreams possible.

 

Jesse woke not remembering having fallen asleep, but the smell of coffee brewing and the sound of the shower running drifted down the hallway. He buried under the covers and indulged in thoughts of a very naked, very handsome man only a few feet down the hall. Maybe he wasn’t ready to act on the thoughts yet, but he could see a time coming when he could and the world looked a little more pleasant from this new perspective. For once, he let himself believe it would last.

 

 

 

Reviews

[Shadow Katt]

My oh my, I'm left wanting more. Its an endearing story. I'm attached to Jesse because of you and I demand to see his reward.....giggle....oh gosh... lets never mind that, but to leave it at that end is awfully cruel. It definitely leaves a reader wanting more. I hope you post more stories soon.

[Star Catcher]

Wow, that was a very good story. I had fun reading it. Poor Jesse. I'm glad someone finally helped him.